The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband's uncle is an alcoholic. He has been in and out of rehab the past few years. He refuses to follow reccomendations and just last Friday left a treatment facility after doing 3 days of detox. He says he doesn't want to do treatment, doesn't need AA, can do it on his own, blah, blah, blah.....
I'm ready to say -you can't be around me or my family until you go to treatment. But it is much harder for my husband and in-laws as they are not ready to set that boundary/consequence. We are a very close family and see each other about 2x's a week so this would be a big deal for all involved. My husband's fear is if we say our family won't be around him then we will "ruin" holidays/special occasions for his parents.
I cannot stand by and watch him kill himself and then just smile and make nice at family gatherings. At some point there has to be a consequence for his decisions.
I'm curious what you do with your families and young children in this type of situation?
Welcome to alanon. Alanon is all about you & how u can empower your own life and be the healthiest role model for your children. Kids need structure, boundaries and consequences. Boundaries are for you, to protect you- not control another adult. You will have to decide for yourself and yes, when we change and set limits with the A's, the family involved- it will be hard and most likely cause conflict bc: 1) alcoholism is a family disease 2) A's and codependent enablers alike may wish to keep the status quo- bc change is painful and when others change we may take that as a threat.
When we do start to set boundaries and consequences it is imperative that u stick to and follow through on the action/consequence or it is just a lame empty threat, which no one will have respect for. If u dont want ur kids around the active A- go elsewhere with ur kids- leave, go to a park or whatever.
You cannot expect a family that is in denial, codependently enabling all in the name of keeping peace when there is none. It is one huge manipulative dynamic and the only one you can control or change- is you. Kids deserve one sane parent- they will emulate the healthier one. Search for archives on these topics and u will have tons to read and apply.
Also, I would suggest u get to f2f mtgs and find a sponsor (program mentor to work with) we need help and guidance in program- its how it works. This disease is submersive, insidious, its a global epidemic- and- most codependent enablers are in just as much denial and often times are more screwy than the A's (alcoholic and addicted) are--- bc of the emotional enmeshment & confusion that "people pleasing" invites.
I hope you give alanon a fair shake- recovery is self discovery and u and ur kids are worth the effort to know and stand up for. Happiness and peace are inside jobs. I grew up in this disease and at 36 began focusing on me to change my life. It can be done, my life is very hopeful and completely different today. Learning how to give them dignity and respect- meant that I gave it to me and quit jumping to their rescue/s. All that ever did was create resentments anyway. Today I work on me and that keeps the resentments out of my heart.
Adults will do what they are going to do in spite of what we do. The magic question here is, what are YOU going to do to allow you to feel better about yourself &/or the situation. Get emotional health for you- let them solve their own problems you cant do it for them anyway.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I love what Kitty wrote here and I just wanted to say welcome to MIP and hopefully you can find Al-anon meetings and get help for you, which will help steer your kids away from this family disease. As you have already seen this disease is hard on everyone around. I have been practicing dettachment with love and trying to remember my Alcoholic is not his disease. I am sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Aloha Marisa...Your boundary is okay...really necessary for you and for the uncle. Tomorrow on a larger scale I will be giving information to 3 political reps from my area trying to get state government to set up a similar boundary; the "Say No Boundary" to those who have problems with alcohol and drugs. Those who don't have a problem don't have a problem so no need for that boundary.
You're okay...it is necessary other wise it is enabling it to get worse. Locally we have husbands and wives in membership of the Al-Anon Family Groups for their own recovery. Alcoholism is a Family disease. Call the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and get the times and places where we meet and help and support each other in positive change. Keep coming back here also. MIP is help and support (as you have already found out) for those who need it. (((((hugs)))))
