Well as Most know I have been Seriously struggling with Juggling everyday life here of late, and I was saying that i needed just a Small 'time out' to feel strong enough to go on... Well I ask, and I Recieved in Full

This past week has been nothing short of stressful, But on the Up side of things, this past weekend was just what I needed... My Neice & My Sister ask if they could have my son one fri. & one sat. and since he didn't have a game this weekend "for once" I was very happy to allow it :0)

My Husband & I jumped on our harley's and headed to the unknown...This was the 1st time I have been able to get on my bike and ride AT ALL since last Oct...  That is something I love about my bike, when I am on it, It is Me & HP... My Focus has to be Clear and I Can't allow ANY Distractions because it is just to dangerous... But it is So Freeing to my Mind, to know that I don't have room in my head when I am on my bike to deal with the Everyday that constently makes the hampsters in my head go MAD!

It amazes me the PROGRAM that comes to me after a ride on my bike, its like Life that was once Foggy & Confusing is now Clear & Do-able... I came home today feeling relieved and in many ways Grateful that I allowed myself the time to Re-Focus... The Time to Find ME again...

While Riding I am always praying to HP, Praising him for my Blessings, and My Progress...This Program that helped me Regain my Faith, and Make it stronger...  And tonight when I got home I had time to FINALLY make another F2F Meeting, and some of my Nearest & Dearest were there, and it was Magic... My Friend lead on CONTROL & ANGER.... Yep... Last week  they both were my Problem from the word GO!

How is it I can Know what is Right & know what is Wrong, but still feel the need to try & control things that are For Sure OUT of my whelm of things ... Anger Has been another one I have been battling for sure, I know that my Anger has improved, and tho it doesn't seem to last Near as long as it once did, I still have to work the steps and get thru it, I am Grateful I now have the Steps in my Life to help me balance what is OUT of my Control... Here lately I am learning ALOT!

Another friend of mine at the closing of our meeting shared about those that come into the walls of Al-Anon and never work the steps and just sit there, and only practice the program when in meetings, and then when outside the doors revert back the "Drama" filled life they have always lead... When I 1st heard it I thought WOW... for me...  yeah I made improvements with my Alcoholics... BUT!

Those that did not have the disease of alcoholism, I still very much struggled forgiving them for their actions, I felt like they wasn't why I was in my program, so there for they should just NO BETTER then to Hurt me.. Even tho I in a sense was hurting them by allowing myself to be available to them everytime they ask... I was trying to control our relationship by Never saying No, and always being on stand by! And Even when they didn't ask... I would Volunteer...Just so they would see I was Trying to Please them... "People Pleasing Comes easy to me" Taking care of me, I truly Have to work at....

WOW have I Payed the price for that one, now i guess it is time to Accept the things I Can not change once again, and leave the past in the past and time to move forward, this has had me down for some time, and there are things I have Very much accepted and other things I am still struggling with, most of it being the hurt...

When i was younger and I had hurt feelings, they was pushed aside, and I was pretty much told, "Well....It is what it is, so Deal with it!" Reguardless of the effects or how much hurt I was feeling... So I learned to Compact my hurt and cram it down over & Over till it just left the surface of my mind! which as most know, when it compacted and returned... It came back as ANGER...

Since recovery has "Started" I have been working really hard to bring Alot of my Old Hurt to the surface & Deal with it, but in doing so I found that tho I can forgive that that happened years ago, the new stuff I have not found a way to work thru the hurt yet... I don't know if it is too "Fresh" to think clearly on or if I just haven't given the time it needs to breathe before I go any further...

So I am Listening to my HP, and when he says "How important is it" I'm really weighing the ups and downs, and in all my meditating over the weekend on my bike, and in my quiet place before bed, all I hear is WAIT! its not Time! So I am Trusting that to be true, I am trusting that I haven't had time to Heal the Hurt, I haven't been away from it long enough to think clearly on it, but i know its time to set my focus back on me & HP and remove my focus from those outside of my own Holla hoop!

I am Slowly learning there are times that ALL that I can do for me, is to remain inside my holla hoop, and thats OK, I'm learning that as long as My Side of the street is Clean & Clear, then Its not so bad... And I am Re-Learning that what Others think of me is NONE of my Business... That is Tough ... Really is... I have been so wrapped around the lives of others that I forgot how to Live for ME! and now I am finding it tough at time to untangle myself from the lives & concerns of others... I still have some work to do, but bringing this all to the surface has been nothing short of blessings, and it is ALL because of this Program & the People here that TRULY do Care about me, and TRULY do wish me happiness, and not at the expense I have been paying, but just because I am ME! the New & Slowly improving ME!   Progress not profection Right :)

Thanks for Letting me Share.... Doing my Best to Move Forward, without Controling or Being angry at not only others, but myself... Time to Remember.. "I Can't, He Can... I Think I'll Let Him":

Love, hugs & Prayers to all

Jozie