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Ok, here's my dilemma. During my AH's relapse he had 2 one-night-stands with two seperate women. Both of these women are now involved in a casual relationship with my brother-in-law (Yes, I am painfully aware how twisted this is....) So last night was the first time, since I became aware of the infedelity, that I was in the same room with one of these women. Seeing her brought back a lot of pain and anger that I had (or thought I had) let go. Noone knows about the affair (except for our AA and Al-anon sponsors) and the whole scene was just very painful. Seeing my sister-in-law talking and laughing with this woman just about killed me.
I'm just wondering would it be better for my recovery to totaly avoid any social gathering when I know these women will be there? If seeing them is so painful and brings back all those old feelings of resentment and anger should I try to avoid these feelings or should I face it head on?
Last night I decided to go out, knowing she would be there, because I thought it would be an opportunity to use my shiney new al-anon tools and maybe it would be an opportunity to grow even more in my recovery. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. It just feels wrong to hide and let this situation dictate where I can go and what I can do, but I also don't want to cause any damage to all the progress I've made so far on my forgiveness to my AH and the rebuilding of our marriage.
Hi Aimee, I don't have the same situation you describe but I can relate to taking myself out of social situations almost completely. We were members of a couple of clubs, named after animals - you know the kind? And he still frequents so I have not gone, will probably not go back if ever because why should I put myself through it? He has probably filled them to the brim with tales of the evil wife's hateful ways and though they might not believe it (because they know him well) I choose not to make them uncomfortable either. There is a small resturant in town that is also a tavern and I don't go there much as well, not because he's around, since he lives in the next town and only comes here when he wants something - more for the purpose of giving myself time to heal and space to do it in. I also do not want to give any one of the gossipy idjits any ammo to fire at me when "he's" mad at me again. I feel THAT time is passing though, maybe its the warmer weather, more people out and about, I've stopped by a few times, chatted with a few, it felt good, so I'm beginning to feel its the end of my self-imposed seclusion.
I would find it impossible to be socialable with women I knew were in a "casual" relationship with a sister-in-law's (or anybody's) spouse, I REALLY do not understand that facet of our modern society; I can accept someone else's infidelity as their business but it would be a big lie for me to socialize (be nice to) with someone who I know is doing something to hurt someone else, someone i care about. I would probably find an excuse to stay away to keep myself out of the game altogether - the only winning move being not to play.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hi Aimee, I remember reading about this before and it stirs me up everytime. I was cheated on a few times in the early years and I confided in my close friends about it. I felt uncomfortable in certain situations in this small town when I had to run into these women and wanted my good friends to know why. I am not sure if it was right or wrong, but I wanted those dearest to me to know and I wasn't involved with Al-anon back then. As time has gone on I have gotten more and more over it. My friends were however helpful in giving me support when the girls were near. We live in a very small town and when it is nice out people of our age tend to flock to the same few hang out spots. I know I can be judgemental at times and am working on it, but I like to know what people are about and where they are headed before I let them get too close to me. Hopefully you can talk this over with your sponsor and hand it to your HP and see where it leads you.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
My heart goes out to you having to deal with such a difficult situation. I also applaud the strength and courage that you show in your commitment to rebuild your life and marriage.
One thing that I've learned in the short time I've been in the Al-Anon program, is that we have to face our feelings and work through our emotions. I believe our response to those feelings is what helps us progress or sets us back.
I think as long as you're honest with yourself about what you're capable of dealing with, you'll make the right decision for you.
Just remember to treat yourself with patience, kindness, and compassion no matter what.
I relate and with more program it became the opportunity to sit at my sponsor's knee and to learn more along with the counselor I was using at the time. Sponsor was more helpful because of the shared experiences. I learned to feel the feelings without reacting and then to feel the feelings, accept the event and my powerlessness over it and then to not drag the past into my present and then into the future...cause if I kept bringing it up and whipping myself with it everyone else was going on with life...I was miserable...and the only one thinking and feeling bad about it. Also it wasn't a reflection on me and I was taking the weight of it as if it was some cross I was supposed to hang on because of the sins of others. LOL I am no saint and this one wasn't one of my bad moments. I learned to own just my own bad behaviors and allow others to own their own without me being involved...mind, body, spirit and emotions. ...And besides resentments really do suck as I've been taught in Al-Anon...I don't like resentments...short or long term.
You're growing Aimee...keep coming back and you'll get past this one too!! ((((hugs))))
I would be more inclined to practice forgiveness with these women. If I can forgive my spouse, who has committed to not cheat on me, I can do the same with someone else.
I can be around my spouse daily and survive it and I can do the same with the other women.
It is quite common for cheating to be a part of the equation with and A and was with my relationship.
When I think about it, I don't know the woman he cheated with, nor do I know her challenges. I can forgive my A I guess because I know him intimately, what may have brought him to do such a terrible thing and because I love him.
Since I dont know about the other woman, I can only determine that there is something lacking in her to have her do such a thing, as she knew he was with me at the time.
I pray for her, that she will hopefully grasp other productive ways of meeting her needs. It's hard to be resentful of someone when I am praying for them.
It just feels wrong to hide and let this situation dictate where I can go and what I can do, but I also don't want to cause any damage to all the progress I've made so far on my forgiveness to my AH and the rebuilding of our marriage.