The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
"I had/have a big fear of losing my compassion thru detachment. I am beginning to understand, though, that my first concepts of detachment were erroneous. It seems that it doesn't make sense (completely) until you actually start practicing it."
It does seem confusing Otie, I have been pondering my relationship w/ my A/Son, and I get stuck wondering what can I be generous with now, it can't be money or monetary things, it now needs to be "Love", but there are so many descriptions for Love. I now have to offer more of myself, personality, humor, example. Still am keeping an arms distance because I am still weak in the enabling dept. But it will be a whole new relationship when it comes to fruition. I have looked back now and see I wasn't much of a person, I was more of a codie. Working on myself now is so much more important. What do I have to offer my family, my friends, the world. I don't want to be a problem, but a solution in this disease. Unlike you I do not have a fear of losing my compassion, I think it is innate in most of us. I have a concept of detachment, and what comes to mind when I think about it is mostly physical, and mental detachment (ex. not to engage in nowhere conversations etc.). I wonder if you could explain to me what you mean by "erroneous detachment" and how you understand detachment NOW. Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Hi, oldergal. I am pleased to respond to your post.
By "erroneous'---I am referring to the fact that I did not fully understand what detachment meant (in the context that we speak about on this board). I thought that it meant cutting the A completely out of my life. I thought it was sort of like an amputation.
I now understand it to mean to disentangle myself from the behaviors that keep me enmeshed in behaviors that support the A in continuing in his/her disease. This includes BOTH my behaviors and the A's behaviors. I now recognize that it is a dance. (It takes two to tango).
Example: My son is Very angry with me right now because I have refused to let him come into the house if he is intoxicated or hungover from the night before...He must be of good attitude and respectful or I will not speak to him on the phone. This free me up because if he is drinking or spewing verbal insults----I will be hurt, get angry back, possibly shout/cry et. My blood pressure will go up, it will ruin my day, cause me to "hate" him, feel victimized, etc. In return, he gets to blame me for everything and use this as further justification for his drinking and bad behavior. He does not have to look at himself as long as I enter into the horrible exchange/ I now know that he doesn't want to look at himself because he hates himself (and the disease) so much.
I guess what I am trying to say, older gal, is that, for me, it boils down to basically to seperating the person from the disease. I can seperate from the disease as long as I can recognize it for what it is. Then, I can still love the person. I get so confused and entangled when the two are so blurred together.
Oldergal, I believe your son still loves you as much as he did when he was say, 10yrs. old. You are still his mother in his heart---always will be. He loves the essential person you are. It is not about the material things at the end of the day. His bad behaviors (whatever they are), I believe are a smoke screen ,even to him, to protect his level of comfort and ability to continue his relationship with the substance that exerts a mighty pull. I see it as: Fight the disease, not him.
I hope this explains where I am coming from at this time. If not, please ask for more clarificationI am more than happy to try to do so.
Love and hugs, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 12th of June 2011 05:56:10 PM
Dear oldergal, maybe a better way of wording it would be: REACT to the person, but not the disease.
I recognize signs of the disease when I hear 'quacking'. When I hear quacking, I now turn off the entire circuit breaker. I also try to visualize a giant "S" on the forehead for sickness (tip from canadianguy).
Love, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 12th of June 2011 05:54:23 PM
I never felt any emotional detachment from my family until I set and followed through on a boundary. When I was driving home, following my own consequence-- I felt so high, it was thrilling and I felt my own sense of self and self esteem. I felt so happy inside and empowered bc at 38 I stood up for me instead of compromising me and feeling/defending the disease.
Yes, u can love and support him by listening and caring but the second u feel guilty or pity or want to save him- u lose you and feed the disease. See that as a trigger/sign and redirect yourself back to you, where u are effective. Seperate you and him from the disease. When we change our behavior it challenges them- they get mad and scramble bc they are losing control over us. Focusing on me and emotional detachment from all I cannot control ( other ppl: their feelings, issues, attitude) allowed me to work on mine.
If ur son is an adult- mothering feels like smothering and we both resent it. Changing requires us to love us as our own priority. If we do not emulate loving compassion, digntiy, forgiveness and respect- how can we expect others to see what we are talking about. It is so much more effective to not fight bc the drama feeds our disease. Keep sharing ur feelings with us in alanon- we understand. I used to tell my A's and family just how much they hurt me- all that did was give them more ammo to hurt me with. Now I take it to alanon and HP.
-- Edited by kitty on Monday 13th of June 2011 07:10:36 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
