"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Heartbrokem beyond belief

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now. I certainly understand them.

You can get through this.

I am finding some of my answers by attending Al-Anon meetings and reading the literature. I'm still seeking a sponsor so that I can work the steps properly. I'm certain while working the steps I'll continue to find answers.

Have you tried meetings? There are online meetings here, as well.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

((((CORGI2))))
Hugs!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there anyway for you to not look at facebook? I tended to do that too, when I was obsessing about my A and snooping in his accounts. My A wasn't up to any cheating, but I was looking for it anyway. That said, when I stopped snooping and checking his stuff and accounts, and got busy with myself, I felt a lot better. I am looking for a sponsor still, and have gone to face to face meetings and I now have a few people I can call from the meeting, which helps so much. The phone doesn't weight 400lbs anymore, I am more at ease with calling my fellow alanon people and just talking. Hearing that voice on the other end helps so much! Coming here helps too, so keep coming back! I don't know if you two broke up or not, but for me, I would just pretend he was away and start focusing on me and what I want to do. Work in the garden, plant a tree, get a cat, read a book, watch a movie, take a bath...take a hike. Another thing I am doing is learning what I like and don't like, so I made a list. I am getting better at figuring out what I actually like! I am getting to know me, and what I want out of life. I slip into old behaviors a lot still, but I am working on it...progress not perfection. As Canadian Guy says here: He is either going to drink/party/cheat what have you or not, what are you going to do?
Take care!
It works when you work it and you're worth it!
youfoundme

mslouise · Senior Member

Dear Corgi2...hang in there....and three years is long enough to put one through a roller coster ride....I can very much relate with the party scenes, girls being there, wondering what's going on, not knowing, etc....doesn't mean he is doing anything but you know how our mind wanders. Please take care of yourself as you can't control what he does...he will drink if he wants to...etc....Think about yourself and how your worring about him and how his choices or disrespect are affecting you. Choices has become one of my favorite words because we all have them!!! I too think FB can be an awful thing...I have learned what to "see" and what not too....you have choices here too....block him....then you can't see anything..and he can't see you!!! Or just remove him as a friend, hard I know, but it may give you peace of mind not to see things and to put the focus back on you. Again...I feel for you and know what you are going through...please remember that you are worth so much more and deserve no drama, no worries and a good happy day! It's hard...but meetings help, hope you can find one... take care

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Corgi - sorry to hear you struggling, but the reality is most likely that his addiction is "winning" right now, and he is choosing his addiction over EVERYTHING in his life at the moment, including you....

My wise old sponsor explained some of the dynamics of this when he told me "of course she is mad at you, because you are making it uncomfortable for her to drink!"

Many active A's, who are not ready to choose sobriety, will simply seek out others where they will not be challenged, or held accountable, etc...

I would encourage you to get off Facebook and stop torturing yourself with this - dive into YOUR program, and turn the focus & energy OFF of him, and back onto you....

Take care

Tom

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Corgi2. I understand how bad you are hurting. One time I went through the house in the middle of the night throwing open all the windows because I thought I couldn"t breathe.

Corgi, I think Canadian guy pretty much hits the nail on the head. It doesn't matter who he is with right now---he can't give them any more than he is giving you. so, don't waste your energy on jelousy. His true mistress is the alcohol.

This isn't about you, or any other people. It is between him and his illness. Hate the disease.

With overwhelming emotions it can help to write every thought and feeling on paper. Pour it all out---then TEAR it up immediately. Cry as much and as loud as you need to. Then, get away from facebook, get around others that care, walk until you are exhausted----anything to get your mind off of what you can't control.

My heart goes out to you. It won't always be this way.

Sincerely, Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Friday 10th of June 2011 01:12:08 PM

All I can be · Senior Member

I had prepared what I wanted to tell you in my mind. I read the other posts first and found them to contain a lot of wisdom.

Don't try to find sanity in the insanity of alcoholism. It is just not there, and it's not your fault.

God bless you

ythannah · Senior Member

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. (((hugs)))

I love what Otie said about him not being able to give anyone else any more than what he is giving you -- so true.

From what my ABF has told me about his younger drinking days (he eventually became an isolating solo drinker), the party scene is just part and parcel of the denial. It allows him to pretend that he's just having fun drinking, like everyone else around him. That includes posting pics on Facebook, it just screams "Look at what a Great Time I'm having!". To my way of thinking, he's trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

It hurts. Allow yourself to experience the feelings fully, because that's the only way through it.

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

You're not being dramatic, you have articulated feelings I have had quite well. I have since learned that the pain I was feeling was mine. Pain is not a bad thing, it is telling us that something is wrong that can potentially harm us and change needs to be made. We can keep our hand on the stove and hope the stove becomes less hot, or we can move our hand. What that means to you is yours as well, for me it meant changing my perspective on what I can expect from my relationship with my wife. My hand still gets hot sometimes, but at least I know that the pain is mine and I have the ability to make changes to relieve myself of the pain when I feel it.

parfait624 · Veteran Member

My ABF does the same thing....when his addictions are in the drivers seat no matter which one is in control he simply ignores me. If I text he won't respond, if I call he will rarely answer. Then you start to wonder what he is doing etc. Lucky for me mine doesn't have a facebook he has become an isolated addict with his new addiction of gambling he doesn't need friends to join him. With mine it's not about other women or not loving me even though he will say those things to me to push me away. It is often about having to be accountable to someone if they are in a serious relationship. If there is no one around to answer to then they are free to do whatever their little addiction desires. It is hard for us because we can't turn our feelings on and off. To have love and then have it ripped away for no apparent reason is the most awful feeling I have ever felt, especially when it is a cycle. You are finally up and then you are kicked down again. Just think like this when the addiction is in control that is not the person you love, that is an alter ego. My ABF will even admit he is two people. I am going through the same sorta pains you are right now, being excluded and it isn't easy. But we can't do anything to help, they have to help themselves. I know people on the outside say move on you deserve something better, but love is blind. Sending hugs.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Corgi2,
I am so sorry to hear your pain! I can relate to you and I HATE this disease. You have been given great advice here and all I can say is take care of you right now, block him on FB if you can bring yourself not to monitor his painful actions. I obsess too about my A's partying and girls around, but he is going to do it and I am focusing on me. Let Go and Let God! I am sending you love and support!

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

you guys are the best. you keep me going

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

First may I say...your Corgis are beautiful. I have a friend who has a couple, and they are great dogs.

Now.....try to stay off his Facebook page, and try to resist the urge to phone or text him. By phoning and texting, you are hurting no one but yourself. I think you will find your serenity easier to come by if you think of yourself first and foremost, and stop doing the things that kill your soul.

He is an active alcoholic Corgi2, and as such, he is thinking of himself, not you. I have been where you are. I understand feeling like you are going to die. AlAnon can help you through the worst of it, if you will give it a try. Pain may not be a bad thing, as some else has said, but it surely seems bad when you are experiencing it, doesn't it?

Be kind to yourself. There is goodness and joy out there waiting for you.

Best of good wishes, Diva

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Corgi2,

I too have been where you are today and understand your pain. the hardest part about my partners drinking was when he went missing and I knew he was parting with girls but I could never prove anything, then one day I found out and that is wjhat brought me to al anon. Today thank GOD my partner is sober and going to AA. Sometimes he does have slips and drink I stay out of this and look after me.

he had a big slip last year I went to lots of meetings, I never contacted him, I read lots and lots and came on here. I rang my sponsor and other members. anything except obsess and watch him. Your mind feeds on what ever you feed it. When he is active if I sit and think he is drinking and with others gorls I go crazy. If I go to a meeting or come on here I am feeding my mind positive information. I do not know if you have contected with your Hp but when I am hurtig I pray to my higher power for his love and support. The addiction has hold tightly of your partner you need to look after you and hand him over to Hp only he can help him. Take care of you if he is unfaithful it is not because you are not pretty or enough it is because he is drunk when he comes out of it he will have to face the consequences of his actions .

hugs xxxx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"