The material presented
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level.
My ah is a functional drinker who drinks beer after work. He normally just drinks and he is pleasant .Two nights ago he drunk 3/4 of a bottle of straight JD. For some reason I brought up something in the past that was upsetting me , he then brought up an incident from the past where I was raped (I usually know better than to try and discuss things while he is drinking). He said the most horrible things like I probably lead the person on, he wanted to see video proof, why didn't I tell him as soon as it happened and much more. I went to bed and put the blanket over my head and put my fingers in my ears so I couldn't hear the things he was saying. The next day he contacted me and said he was sorry and would get out of my life. Because he was so low I said how it was very hurtful and so many other people in the world treat me with more respect than he does, but that I have done some bad things in the past and he has forgiven me.
All that said I cannot get over the pain caused and he is the last person in the world I want to be around. I am so confused what to do? We have broken up so many times over the years, we have 3 children together.
I can share with you that my A is very newly sober, 30 days today in fact. I am just begining to work through some of the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger I have toward him over things he said and/or did while drinking. It is not easy, it is very much a process of letting go and focusing on you. I grew up in Alateen and transisitioned to AlAnon as I got older, but I can say confidently, I think this is the first time I have truley embraced the program and my own recovery. When my A decided to get sober I dabbled in my own recovery, when he went back out, so did I. Looking back, I believe I would have been a better person for myself, and those around me, had I kept working on me no matter what he was choosing to do. You are taking the right steps in looking to help yourself. These rooms are amazing places, you will find strength and hope here and in face to face (f2f) meetings. I urge you to keep posting, read other threads, read and post responses. Have you tried f2f meetings at all?
Dear light blue, abuse is abuse. There is no theory under which it is o.k. It doesn't matter what you did in the past or if you are a perfect angel. It doesn't change the fact or diminish the pain.
Light blue, alanon will help you and your 3 wee ones. You have already started by coming here. Grab on---life is gonna look better.
HUGS! Welcome here! I hope you are able to find some real time meetings to go to for Alanon is the place for me to get better. Rape is a huge thing to process, I was sexually abused as a child and raped a time or two, and have not yet gotten to do the 12 steps in alanon to actually process it. When I concentrate on my abf, I don't have to think about the pain in my life. I obsess about him and don't have to LOOK at me. Alanon is teaching me to focus on me. I haven't yet found a sponsor but I have this board and I have several people from my face to face meeting I can call when I need it. Keeping focused on me and staying busy in my spiritual program helps me feel better and takes the focus off of him. When I get better and change my attitude, he sees it. I don't have to tell him "I'm changing" I just do the changing and he feels it and knows it...I am working on that. Alanon is for you, to take care of you :) Welcome here, and take care! youfoundme
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I appreciate the responses to my post. I honestly thought no one would respond, and each of your posts helped to shed light on my confusion. I am going to go to a f2f meeting today. I am greatful for the kindness you have shown by replying and I feel like crying that people actually care enough. Thankyou.
Jess