The fact that you don't feel good about the comments you made is a good thing, and great self reflection and awareness on your part....  Saying you're sorry to an active A - hmm...  never a "bad" thing, but sometimes a dangerous one.....  My preference, and something I had to learn, was to make amends, in the way of an acknowledgment....  as in:  "I regret saying what I said to you last night, and am working on my program to try to not repeat my behavior"....  I tended not to worry about whether or not to include the words "I'm sorry", to my then-active A, as that would seem to trigger the manipulation (on her part) to use that against me, and as yet another excuse for them to continue in their addiction.

I fully believe in the gentle mirror and affirmations - "you did the best you could, with what you knew at the time"....  you are growing, and moving forward every day

T

canadianguy posted before I did!  I knew he wouldn't pass this post up

I have said some mean things in my day, that I couldn't take back and in every case it was because I was where I wasn't supposed to be in the first place, in someone else's space trying to get them to do things my way, so my amends includes not only apologizing and acknowledging the hurtful behavior but acknowledging the fact I was where I shouldn't have been, on their side of the street trying to control their behavior, this was the decision I made based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt, so for me it's not just "saying sorry" but learning what actual real changes I need to make in order to change my own behavior since I learned painfully that I couldn't change their behavior or I would have never made it to Alanon in the first place

Thankfully I have the steps, in this case Step 10 which says

Step 10 "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it"

it helped when I worked the first nine steps first, but I learned that "withholding" an apology for the purpose of "reward", "control" or "manipulation" ALSO fell under the behavior in which I needed to make amends, because for me with-holding an amends falls under being passive aggressive and controlling, "owning" and "owning up" to my own behavior is the antidote to the whole cycle, that and setting boundaries about what is mine and what is someone else's, if they try to "sandbag" I firmly but gently, and with a LOT of love say "we aren't discussing that right now, we are discussing this, would you like to discuss that sometime? because the time to do it is not when we are discussing this, I will be more then happy to address your concerns if and when you bring them to me, but NOW is NOT the time"

me staying out of "their yards", Boundaries and ownership of ones own actions and good communication heads off most of this stuff before it ever happens for me

My job is to keep MY side of the street clean, what THEY do with MY amends is not on me

MY program is MINE, my tenth step is MINE, and it's not "conditional", and it's not my job to be on their side of the street in the first place which is what gets me into trouble

Like Jerry I get to translate my behavior from my fears, "I was fearful of this, so I reacted like this", then I express an HONEST regret for harms done, if that means saying "I am Sorry I said that" I say I am sorry, and then the ACTUAL amends is my living amends, I don't do it any more, I learn to say "I am afraid, I am angry, I am hurt" etc

For me withholding an apology just because someone doesn't behave the way I want them to falls under the category of what I am here to recover from, but I am funny that way, I take those step thingy's literally, so when it says "Make amends PROMPTLY when YOU are wrong" I make amends and not conditional evasive passive aggressive admission of partial guilt that will be remedied when they start behaving the way I want them to, accepting people for exactly who they are is included in my step one, when I admit I am powerless over them I get to stop trying to get them to do it "my way" and start concentrating on keeping MY side of the street clean, part of that exercise is staying off their side of the street because that is what makes me crazy

Making amends make me STRONGER in my recovery not weaker, saying sorry doesn't put me in a subserviant weak position, rather the reverse is true, not saying sorry is just me trying to have control over the other person

Someone else's behavior is just that, someone else's behavior it's not my job to moniter or babysit them, because when I do this exact thing happens to me, I yell "you are doing it wrong you @$^%#@ IDIOT!!!!!" and then I have to make an amends, for not only yelling at them but for pitching my tent in their yard, for thinking it's MY job to clean up THEIR messes

Now it's more like, "oh look, the maroon is racing headlong for a cliff" /waves hanky as he sips lemonade safely on his side of the street "tooodledooo have fun dear.......let me know how that works out for you...."