Miss independent here finally asking for help :) - Al-Anon Family Group

danyell · Newbie

Miss independent here finally asking for help :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Danyell and welcome to the board of MIP. Many if not most of us know how your shoes fit because to some degree or another we have done or been doing what you have been also. I thought I was a great fixer...if it doesn't fit, force it until it breaks and in the end it wasn't able to break anymore and my Higher Power provided me all the opportunities to get into the Al-Anon Family Groups after on my very own I refused to be a part of it. One of the things I learned early on was to "self" focus and take the focus or "weight" off of my alcoholic/addict wife. Alcoholism is a compulsion and obsession with an allergy, a life threatening disease that if not arrested by total abstinence progresses into insanity and death. Under a relapse the alcoholic/addict never went back to the first drink and always continued again as if she had never stopped. Cunning, Powerful and baffling. The disease trambled on and then took away my desire to love either my wife or myself and losing love for myself is deadly because I then don't take care of my needs at all just like the alcoholic does with addictive drinking.

You've got help here at MIP...lots of it and more will be coming up besides me. I am going to suggest what worked for me...Attend face to face Al-Anon meetings. The hotline number should be in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and get the times and places we meet in your area and then go as quickly as you can. Your alcoholic has 7 years of knowing what to do. When he continues with that he will be fine and then this is about you who is the only person you can hope to fix. Stay willing and honest and go as quickly as you can and listen to the membership guide you into health.

Good luck and keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Danyell and Welcome to MIP

I see that Jerry has already extended a warm and powerful welcome to you. I would just like to second his message.

I am so glad that you found us and had the courage to reach out and post. The great news is that you are not alone and that you do not have to travel this road by yourself.

You are right, living with this the disease of alcoholism is painful and affects everyone it comes in contact with. Remember that you did not cause it, cannot control it ,and cannot cure it, but you need to find support so that you can live your life with courage, serenity and wisdom

I urge you to look up alanon face to face meeting in your community and attend. They can be found at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

I found that the simple tools of focusing on myself, living one day at a time, reading a daily meditation, attending meetings enabled me to grow and change my attitudes so that a new world opened up for myself and family.

Please try our program You are worth it

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP! I can relate to you more than you know and I shadow the other 2 in saying face to face Al-anon meetings and finding a sponsor are what saved me when I hit my bottom. I am glad you found the courage to reach out and I am sending you love and support!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Danyell)))

I also extend to you a welcome to MIP. I can relate to how you felt. I had never had a problem fixing any problem I had face in my life. But I finally had to admit alcoholism was a different animal. I finally gave up and gave in and waved the white flag. My next step and the best step was finding the rooms of Al-Anon and surrounding myself around members who had walked in my shoes. I knew the first night I had made the right decision. The program changed my life, and gave me hope. Being in a room filled with members who understood me, accepted me, didn't judge me, was God sent. I was around members of kindred spirit who wanted me to have what they had, and I truly wanted what they had. I knew the minute I walked into the room I wasn't alone in this disease anymore.

Take the next right step and find a meeting in your area, you deserve it. Keep coming back. We understand you and what you have going through. You have found a new caring family, you are not alone anymore, start you recovery.

HUGS,
RLC

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We love it when someone takes that step into MIP!! Glad you are here, if you stay, practice what you learn, you will find many miracles! I mean that!

We should be taught about addiction in school, seriously!

I was like you, had NO idea what I was getting into. We too were two peas in a pod and he wanted to work on things.Sadly a brain surgery took that chance away. He is too brain damaged.

Keep coming, there is so much here that will help you on your path. Take a little at a time, one day at a time. Do your best each day, take care of what you have to then have fun, read, rest.

Getting Them Sober, toby rice drews, good book, you can get it at Amazon.

With both partners going to 12 step programs the possibility of your relationship lasting is much better.

You have reason to have hope! love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Danyell, so glad you have found this site. I hope you can also find face-to-face meetings too, and get a sponsor. No one should have to go through this alone.

Your husband has good practice at sobriety in his seven years sober. I hope he was working a program like AA during that time. If so, he will know what he has to do to stay sober longterm again.

Before I got too far on my journey through all this, I wish someone had told me that most alcoholics do not achieve longterm sobriety. The statistics are that 5-30% of them make it. This is not to say that your husband will not make it. His seven years sober are a promising sign. The reason I mention it is that I spent years and years and years waiting. I thought that most alcoholics got sober as soon as they went to AA and then everything was solved and we could go on as if nothing had happened. I kept thinking the solution was right around the corner. So my whole life was on hold.

If I had to do it again, I wouldn't have put my life on hold waiting. I would have worked my own program as hard as I could (I thought I didn't need that because he'd be fixed soon). I would have chosen to live my life fully without waiting for things to be right. My A's life was full of chaos and awfulness, and I would have assessed that for what it was and taken steps to establish healthy boundaries, rather than thinking, "I only have to wait a little while until this is over..."

Everyone's situation is different, so I don't mean to be saying anything about yours. These are just some possibilities to take into consideration.

Keep coming back and taking good care of yourself.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome here! I just wanted to say, what was suggested to me when I got here: Attend alanon meetings, open AA meetings, find a sponsor, listen carefully at the meetings, share when you are moved to, reach out to fellow alanon members, and when you get a sponsor work the steps. I am going to meetings, and I am LOOKING for a sponsor, but I have a couple of people I can contact now that help me re-set my thinking problem.

We learn in Alanon that we didn't cause the A to drink, we can't cure their drinking and we certainly can't ever ever ever control their drinking. Thats the 3 C's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. We also learn about detaching with love and that changed attitudes actually change things in the house. When I become calm and serene, don't react to his drinking, and focus on me, things go great. If I react, get upset, lose my focus, we get in an arguement. Its not easy, but with more practice I am getting it. Its like this: If I have a problem with chocolate (which I do) and someone gets on my case because I ate 2 hostess cupcakes, I am going to feel even worse than I did just by knowing I ate them. If they "rub my nose" in it so to speak, that "there you go again, eating chocolate, when you know its bad for you" it makes me mad at that person. In the same regard, why is it ok for me to "rub his nose" in it when he drinks? I can say something that I mean, and not say it meanly, like "oh hey, you drank huh? Oh well, I have faith in you, tomorrow is another day" if I say it nice and not sarcastic and then leave it at that, things go MUCH better.

So anyway, getting to meetings is the best thing I have done for me. The face to face real time meetings is the best and by going I have people to call now, to help me in the moment. And I even got invited to go out for coffee before a meeting this week! I feel so special! The phone isn't as heavy when I keep practicing my program :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Welcome!

I certainly "get" where you're coming from! I was there, too. However, it took me longer than you to reach out for help and admit that, I too, had a problem. I used to think that we'd be great IF he just stopped drinking. I figured that we could work out our other issues if he just stopped drinking first.

You sound like a strong woman, but I guarantee you that you're not strong enough to beat alcoholism.

I was married 36 years, did all the things that you shared with us and then some. This month marks our first year of divorce. Ex hubby got far worse in his disease after the divorce, not better like I had thought he would. I really thought that the divorce would be his rock bottom. (He'd alreadly lost his job and driver's license for a year). But nope. He got worse. My emotional baggage was getting heavier; private counseling wasn't lightening the load. So I tried Al-Anon meetings.

WHOA! meetings are the remedy for me. I've begun to unload so much that has been weighing me down for years. Meetings were a bit awkward for me at first. But I'm so glad that I kept going back. There were a few members there with smiles on their faces all the time, even though 2 of them are living with active alcoholics. They intrigued me. I wanted what they had, whatever that was. So I returned and keep going back weekly.

I haven't gotten a sponsor yet, so haven't worked the steps. However, I read Al-anon's 2 daily readers: Courage to Change and One Day at a Time The answers to my questions can be found in those 2 books.

Great people here!

Glad you joined up. Keep coming back!

danyell · Newbie

I am overwhelmed by all the encouragement and support. ty!!! I took everything to heart that each of you shared. I can not express in words how you have uplifted me and encouraged me to continue to fight and I promise...i will find an Al Anon. I have already been online checking for local meetings. Also some good news to report...as I am typing this now, he is at a 12 step group at our church that just started tonight. i am cautiously optimistic. I have a lot to learn about my role in all this and how i can better support his sobriety instead of playing judge and jury. (youfoundme...i love your analogy with the hostess cupcakes...it is funny...but oh so true!!!) I am going to remember that everytime I start to get on his case for making a "mistake" ty :)

I know each of you have had your own struggles and heartaches. So i thank each of you for takng the time to reach out to me in my time of need. You have blessed me...ty!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy

-- Edited by danyell on Tuesday 7th of June 2011 06:41:02 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.