The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know why it took me so long to realize that the tolerance that I offered my exaH over the years, (the OVER tolerance), was all about ME, not HIM. At one time I thought I was loving him, offering him the support and understanding he needed and deserved. I thought I was not turning my back on him. I was not giving up on him. I was being there for him, through thick and thin, good and bad, in sickness and in health. I was dedicated. I was comitted. I was ... all those things. I was just plain saintly....wasn't I?
And, after this last experience with my exaH with him going to rehab and me exploring a reconciliation with him for a period of a couple weeks and him quickly relapsing and spiralling out of control in a way that I would NEVER have thought possible, I see everything differently.
I am not dedicated, comitted, going to be there through it all, in sickness and in health, supporting and understanding HIM anymore, but I will do all those things for ME. I realize I did all that over the years, because I DID NOT WANT TO FAIL. I did not want to end in divorce. I did not want to break up our family. I did not want to admit that there was a problem as HUGE as alcoholism and addiction (and mental illness quite possibly) in our lives that was going to destroy us. I did not want all those things, so I pretended that I was POWER-FULL and that I could somehow adjust and shift and scramble and deek and ... and... and... and control it all.
After nearly 3 years of separation, I am willing to admit that I am powerless over the disease.
Great Step One I know that when I eventually examined my motives I too found the tools I used to not deal with reality. Denial and pretend worked for many years, to keep me from admitting that alaoholism was indeed in my family and needed to be addressed.
I had a similar epiphany in program at three years... I suddenly saw in the situation (it was actually during hurricane Ike-the first next morning) that I was still acting in denial- and attempting to control my mom, her husband, her friend and my boyfriend. I saw me- acting and being manipulative and it was suddenly so obvious to me it felt very surreal like HP/god held me and just gave me a few feet of objectivity- or it felt like I was pulled back, out of my body slightly and I could see this thing- and my perspective was shifted instantaneously.
I suddenly saw I was in denial about controlling others- and I saw it and did the most total 180* turn I could-- bc from then on- I worked to gain full control of me and me only and I began detaching from other people's reactions and feelings - bc I have no control over that... I became determined to focus only on what I was doing, how I felt & thought about it and I was able to prioritize my own life in a new way (after practicing to love me and put me first for three years in program- I suddenly learned a new way to do that or something).
Shrek said he's "an onion" and I see program that way too, it just keeps getting deeper or suddenly new perspective couples with clarity and your eyes feel openen in a new way. The miracle blossoms and we learn to love ourselves a little bit more. Keep detaching with love and compassion and working your program to the best of your ability (detaching, forgiving). Keep determing your own needs and figuring out what they are - they help us to use our boundaries. Today I practice boundary-ing what I am powerless over and this gives me tremendous peace! Way to go, accepting your own human-ness and nurturing what YOU need first bc no amount of sacrifice conveys loving to others, unless we grasp it for our own lives first. YOU are so worth it! Acceptance & surrender are very powerful tools. The forgiveness allows us to completely transform! kcb & be ruthless about your serenity ~ take no prisoners!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I had not thought about my saintly pedestal in while. I don't miss it one bit. I do really like my feet firmly planted on the ground and my head in reality.
(((((Rora)))))...we get it when we get it. I found out why it took me so long to get it and other things about myself in my 4th steps. The program is about progress...not...perfection.
Thanks Rora for helping my awareness grow with your share! I stepped down too, but it was more of a tumble and fall flat on my face. But yes I am progressing and thanks again i needed to read this.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Answers come when are most ready to receive them. You weren't ready to see the answers eventhough you had them all along. Now you are ready and that's the beauty of our recovery. All in good time. I'm proud of you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
