"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Della · Member

The cause of drinking

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Della I wouldnt even try to answer your question , and I doubt an alcoholic could answer it either with out turning it into an excuse . Years ago I heard an AA speaker say I could tell you that my father beat me every day that my mother killed herself when I was 12 and that was the reason I drank then he said now all of that is true but I drank because I liked it period it did for me what nothing else could . I am sorry you lost your fiance to this terrible disease . (hugs) Louise

Della · Member

abbyal wrote:
Della I wouldnt even try to answer your question , and I doubt an alcoholic could answer it either with out turning it into an excuse . Years ago I heard an AA speaker say I could tell you that my father beat me every day that my mother killed herself when I was 12 and that was the reason I drank then he said now all of that is true but I drank because I liked it period it did for me what nothing else could . I am sorry you lost your fiance to this terrible disease . (hugs) Louise

Thanks.

I find that interesting. Although it is true that no one else forced someone to drink, I do feel that nobody drinks without a reason. alcoholism is a very much misunderstood illness. even my own parents don't know the real cause of my fiance's death. I won't tell them because like everyone who doesn't understand it, will just be judgemental and unsympathetic.

Aimee · Veteran Member

Hi!

When I first read your question, Della, I thought, does it really matter why they drink? But, when I first began my recovery I remember feeling the same way. I wanted to understand the disease of alcoholism because I thought it would help me forgive my husband for some of the pain and destruction his drinking has caused. And learning about the "phenomenon of craving" described in The Doctor's Opinion and Chapter 3 More About Alcoholism in The Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous has helped me so much. Also going to open AA meetings can be really helpful.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll pray for you to find the answers you are looking for and that they bring you peace.

~Aimee

clep · Senior Member

Last night my A and I were doing a new parenting program we just purchased. In going through chapter one about he negative skills that cause poor behaior in children, we couldn't help but notice our son and my A (his dad) have the same thinking and skills. Dad did mention that he felt his addictions might have been caused by lack of skills and the requirement to take them away.

My A fights off distorted thinking all the time. Both my son and A have a way of thinking where they are victimized all the time by anything or anyone, are not capable, attention seekers, have one way boundaries, harbor resentment and anger easily and especially the false sense that their situaition is unique. Their thinking that their feelings and situations are so very unique allow them to believe the rules of life and boundaries should not apply to them. They are then unnacountable for all of the issues listed above.

I have noticed this with many A that I come across.

We will never know if this lack of skills caused alcoholism or if alcoholism caused these lack of skills.

I fear for my son in seeing these things in him and I would like to believe that there is an environmental and behavioral cause for alcoholism, not that some are just born with it. In that way there might be hope for my child. :)

I work hard to teach him positive ways of meeting his needs just in case it is environmental and behavioral based. If it isn't, those skills can't hurt anyways.

I do think about it from time to time like last night what the cause may be. Then I wake up and remember the cause doesn't matter to me really where my A is concerned. I spent two years looking for a cause so I could aid in curing it, then realized I was just spending a monumental waste of my time trying to yet control something else.

I am not an A and where others that are A are concerned, the three C's work for me just fine. :)

Sorry for your loss.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is just my own understanding of the disease. The way I see it, alcoholics have an underlying genetic predisposition to the addiction. My alcoholic ex said that the first time he tasted alcohol, he knew it was dangerous. He said it made him feel good the way nothing else did. Now, I don't say I could never be an alcoholic, because I don't think anyone should rest easy. But it's never given me the kind of feeling my ex describes. It makes me feel kind of weird and loopy, not blissed out. If it made me feel blissed out, I might be a compulsive drinker too.

But my guess is that that's not enough to make someone an alcoholic. They also need to have problems that they don't know how to cope with. Likely they come from a dysfunctional background (which is a huge percentage of the population anyway). In that kind of background, no one knows how to teach you to cope with problems healthily. And there are more problems, because no one knows how to cope, and "hurt people hurt people." So they escape any way they can: through alcohol is a big one. Add years on, and the person has years of experience coping through drinking, and little experience with any other kind of coping. Then once they've started drinking a lot, the alcohol distorts their thinking, and they lose perspective. And the worse life gets, the more they cope the only way they know how: by getting that blissed-out feeling from drinking. So it just feeds on itself.

That's the way I understand it. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Della I was born into Alcoholism and after several generations of drinking...cultural and compulsive also I made my entry at the age of 9. My Grandmother turned me on with a cultural first drink of Portugese Rose while my Mother tried to stop her from serving it to my self and my siblings. For me I arrived at an Atomic Test and a realization that God lived in the bottle. Nothing could be wrong with it and nothing is wrong with it. It is not a moral issue but one of disease. Four years later I was drinking on my own with a group of drinking buddies and then the USNavy which was the largest alcohol distributor I was working for at that time and then back into my family of origin after discharge. It progressed in me because it was there, available and I drank because it was available. There was nothing wrong with it and I didn't see what it was doing to me. It did the same thing to my family of origin, both sides, so It was natural. The drinking progressed up to and thru several overdoses, toxic shocks and then I stopped because it wasn't fun drinking and trying to fix a drunk at the same time. God presented another alcoholic/addict (after many others) into my life so that I would stop and then enter Al-Anon and then years later AA. So the short of it for me as I identify with it is...an alcoholic (myself) drinks because he can and its there. No fluff, no psycology, no science, no excuses.

((((hugs))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry you lose a loved one.

Addiction is a genetic disease. People are predisposed to be an addict by their genetic markers. Some people have more markers than others depending on their ancestors.

It's a horrible disease. They can develop the symptoms just by taking cough syrup with alcohol in it.

It's a disease no one causes anyone else to get, its no ones fault,no one to blame.

Again you are so young in your grieving.Be very good to yourself. love,debilyn

sdisnie · Senior Member

I know two alcoholics personally.....(one I was with for 20 years since I was 17)
My first one said he started drinking when he was 11 or somewhere around that age....His dad and grandpa are/were both alcs....his mom was a prescription popper. He claimed his childhood was crappy and that he got no attention etc, his brother tells a different story completely. I thought he just drank like everyone at our highschool drank...which was all the time...parties etc....but as we got older, he was just consumed by it until he was 22 and he had his first bender, the benders will last a week or so and usually put him in the hospital. He's told me he likes the taste.....he likes the way it makes him feel, he craves it and he just wants to be 'normal' Those are the reasons he's told me

The other guy I know just flat out says he likes the way it makes him feel, he likes to numb his feelings and it makes any pain he has go away, I dont understand what pain he could have, as he had a great childhood, so he says.....this guy doesn't go on benders, but he's also obsessed by drinking, he has to drink every single day. YUK!

Della · Member

Thanks for your replies guys.

Ive never thought about genetics before.

Going through what I have with my partner, I realise I must have quite a strong mind. I feel I have experienced worse things in life than my partner yet I didnt turn to drink or any other substance. Hes got a good understanding and open minded family aswel as a good partner in me if I must say so myself. He had everything to live for, which makes it all the more sad.

Yet he turned to drink when anything upset him. He got in trouble with work once as he was caught going online during work time, he turned to drink. When he was diagnosed with pancreatitis he turned to drink, he had anxiety about flying so and was prescribed some diazepam I think its called from the doctors and he took that with drink before our flight. Drink was the answer to everything.

I couldnt see the logic in it. OK, I understand if it helped in the short term, dutch courage we call it. But any (dare I say) normal person would deal with lifes usual pressures/anxieties more head on and face it. He got himself into trouble by making promises to people, tell them what they wanted to hear, didnt deliver, upset everyone, took the wrath then drowned his sorrows. Did he not know the consequences of making promises that he didnt intend on carrying out? Of course he did but he did it anyway and I cant understand why he did that to himself. And thats why I came to the conclusion he had a weak mind as he just couldnt say no to anyone.

I understand nobody causes anothers drinking habits, but as another member said, its usually a form of escapism.

-- Edited by Della on Monday 6th of June 2011 03:38:34 AM

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Della.... I always say my ex-AW "came by her alcoholism honestly, as both of her parents are active alcoholics"...... I think there are definitley genetic factors in play, but also environmental.... I remember when I first realized that her parents were alcoholics, and then subsequently learned that she was as well.... My (non-addictive) brain said "wow, if I had grown up in that awful environment, I don't think I would have ever touched alcohol"..... The stats, unfortunately, tell a drastically different story....

I think a mixed-up set of priorities can definitely be a contributing factor.... As an example, in my ex-AW's upbringing, her alcoholic father was physically abusive to her Mom, had numerous affairs, was a rager, seldom praised any of the kids..... and then, on Sunday mornings would insist that the whole family sit in front of the tv to watch Billy Graham, because "we were a Christian family".... This kinds of inconsistent behavior certainly didn't help..... Now, that being said - three kids grew up in that environment..... One fled and has tons of issues, but never drank..... One kind of dove into the church for awhile, and seems to be reasonably well adjusted and "normal", and my ex-AW ended up as an alcoholic....

Tom

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

Della,

My late husband said that he was always an alcoholic even when he didn't know it. He barely drank in college. He was always the designated driver. The alcoholism just didn't manifest itself until later on in his life. His Dad was an alcoholic, sober now for over 30 years. He had a disease. He couldn't manage it. It's a disease that you are never "cured", but you can learn how to manage it. Hope this helps. Please keep coming back to us.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"