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Over the last several years my girlfriend has put herself in harms way everytime she had a drink. From falling flat one her face to driving blacked out. It is kind of a long story, but i am sure everyone's is. It went on too long with her doing something really stupid like hitting me, to where i shut down emotionally towards her. So she moved out eventually. For some reason I still cared for her. She is a very sweet girl when she is sober. She had been going to AA on and off not because she wanted to but because I suggested it to her. This past winter she called me up and wanted to hang out. I really just wanted to hang out by myself that night. So she treated it like a personal attack on her. I decided to go over there to surprise her, low and behold she wasnt there. I waited for a few hours. I checked her bank info the next day(I just know it from living with her for so long), and she had been out most of the night drinking. I let her fall right into her lie i already knew she would tell the next day when I spoke to her. "What did you do last night?" I say. "I got home from work and ate then went to sleep." she says. Pow I broke up with her. So she professes her love to me , and joins AA really knowing she has a problem. So I let her back in with her new found aspiration.
She has always been a needy clingy person. which I am not. I tell her over and over and over that you cant be selfish in a relationship. I have needs I have to fulfill that make me happy, and you have to have things that you like that make you happy. And when we come together we can share what makes us happy , because we both have the freedom to be happy with ourselves. I said take a step forward with me or we will not last. So , she gets mad at me , and breaks it off with me because I am not in love with her family.
Her parents are a different story. They have enabled her to do all the past things she has done. It started about 6 months after i met her. I pointed out the crap about to hit the fan, and they did nothing but called me a bad person. Thinking I am calling them bad parents. And time and time again everything I knew would happen did. Still they did not listen or try to help, or even talk to me. In my opinion that makes them bad parents.
This is the short version. But, I need someone's help to get over this. I know it's crazy. But I need to wash this crap out of my head. thanks for reading
Hi and Welcome!! I am sorry that you are going thru this. There is nothing wrong with caring for her. However i would recommend you read about detachment. i am new here too and I know how scary all this is. I am absolutely sure she is a sweet girl when she is sober. I think my ABF is the greatest thing since sliced bread, when HE is sober. I would suggest you read as much as you can here and go to a F2F meeting. The more you read and hear the more you will be able to relate to others stories. This will help you in so many ways and help you come to your own understanding of your situation. I think by by reading, learning and going to a F2F this will be key in helping you "wash this crap out of your head" Keep coming back!! ((((hugs))))
Aloha Jamfu...welcome to the board and you're needing help because the disease of alcoholism has its hooks in you. Like me who loved (I thought) someone who would not do her life as I saw life should be lived. I got addicted to her in more ways that one could count and more than I knew existed. Alcoholism had its hooks into me big time. I could rationalize what it was I should do for me and then end up being entirely into her...that was my addiction. I try to manage other peoples' lives and don't do a passable job on my own. She drank and my life went to hell in a handbasket in such absurd ways. I also use to "track" her financials and then when we got together my financials became her financials. She had BKed twice and I made a great management decision to co-sign her financial life. I got way to deep into something I didn't want to and did anyway. Isn't that an insane behavior?
So continue to talk...tell us more about yourself and then listen to what comes back at you. Most of the membership here are also members of the Al-Anon Family Groups a spiritual based 12step recovery program based upon nearly the very same 12steps of AA. We don't attend (or shouldn't) for the alcoholic. We do it best when we do it for our own peace of mind and serenity. That is what worked for me and the person who suggested it for me. It is what I can suggest to you for that reason. We don't give advise cause often we are not that right on about where the other person is and what they should be doing. We talk about what we did.
Continue to read prior posts and responses. Scroll back in time and read your story told by many others and listen to the responses and how it worked out for them. Keep coming back...cause this site is really about Miracles in Progress and you can have lots of that also. (((hugs)))
So glad you found us. Highly recommend you read through these posts and to continue posting as needed. Also, I have found that Al-Anon meetings are an excellent source to learn a philosophy of life that will be enriching, regardless if the alcoholic is in your life or not.
I discovered meetings a little over 3 months ago. I had been married to an alcoholic for 36 years. Through attending meetings and reading literature that is Al-Anon approved, I'm learning to take care of myself much better. I now accept that I'm truly powerless over a person's drinking; it took me a long.... time to accept that. Attending meetings and listening to others truly made me see that we can't control others.
Come as often as needed here. Lots of great people on this board.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Jam, there sounds like some toxic dynamics going on here. Obviously there were reasons for you to break up with her in the first place. From an outside point of view, this relationship sounds like a big canker sore that you keep biting. You know it's going to hurt to have ongoing dealings with her, but you do it anyhow. Granted, most of the sick behavior and addiction is on her, but you do have to own that you keep coming back to her for some reason thinking you can help her or change her or fix her in some way. You can't.
The best suggestion I can give you is to give her over to the care of whatever God you believe in. Only God (or your HP) can somehow change or inspire her to be sober and grow as a person. You can set limits and stick to them...the rest is up to her.
So I suggest handing this whole quagmire over to your higher power to deal with because you cannot change much of it at all. Pray on this and know you are not alone because pretty much all of us here have been in love with very sick people and wanted them to get better more than they wanted it for themselves. It's horrible but you have to detach in some way or let go completely or it will drive you mad (like it sounds like it is at the moment).
You are absolutely right. I had lost my identity with this girl. And you could not have put it better than saying...
"you do have to own that you keep coming back to her for some reason thinking you can help her or change her or fix her in some way. You can't."
In the past I have had zero tolerance for BS, and thought I was being too hard on people when in fact i probably wasnt. But, I saw a genuine love in her, and nothing else mattered. which is why I still stuck around no matter how bad it was. That is what I have to own up to everyday I think of all this. It's not that I can help, but realize that I have to let it all go. It is not in my hands. She called me and told me she cannot imagine a life without me. that just pulls my heart string ever so tighter. However this is after she broke it off with me. I think to myself this girl is freakin nuts. Oh boy
pinkchip wrote:
Jam, there sounds like some toxic dynamics going on here. Obviously there were reasons for you to break up with her in the first place. From an outside point of view, this relationship sounds like a big canker sore that you keep biting. You know it's going to hurt to have ongoing dealings with her, but you do it anyhow. Granted, most of the sick behavior and addiction is on her, but you do have to own that you keep coming back to her for some reason thinking you can help her or change her or fix her in some way. You can't.
The best suggestion I can give you is to give her over to the care of whatever God you believe in. Only God (or your HP) can somehow change or inspire her to be sober and grow as a person. You can set limits and stick to them...the rest is up to her.
So I suggest handing this whole quagmire over to your higher power to deal with because you cannot change much of it at all. Pray on this and know you are not alone because pretty much all of us here have been in love with very sick people and wanted them to get better more than they wanted it for themselves. It's horrible but you have to detach in some way or let go completely or it will drive you mad (like it sounds like it is at the moment).
Welcome Jamfu: