"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Something that is bothering me...

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow that does seem inapropriate to me too, but just know we are all there because we became sick and have work to do within ourselves. Maybe he was thinking of someone else's story and applied it to you. You have no idea what goes on in sick people's heads. In my head some weird things come out and I wonder where in the world that came from, but it takes time to fix a sick mind. Try not to put too much energy into what others say or think, I used to use up a lot doing just that and it just distracts from yourself. I however agree it was out of line and just give him a wide berth. Do you have a sponsor to talk to about this? It always helps me to take things that really bother me to my sponsor and she can usually steer me on how to handle it if I am unsure. Sorry that this happened to you.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Always bear in mind that we are here bc we are a lil screwy and what we have done in the past, brought us to the brink of insanity. It is real easy for someone to say, "just leave" and yes, I agree that is inappropriate. Learn to boundary things that others say, if they do not suport your program, clearly this falls into that category. If you ask me it was insensitive of him and even manipulative. What others think of me, is none of my business, so ignore it -- that is his opinion and he is entitled to it- let him have it. Give him right back to HP/god and get this guy out of your head.

You dont have to answer that question - or u can say flat out, "I have no intention of leaving right now" or "I am not prepared to go there yet," even if you are thinking about it, it is none of his business. Or, just learn to say nothing and let go of what does not sound like alanon, bc that comment isnt. Alanon is about us, learning what is healthy for us, not for others. This means, we have to apply it to our own lives and see what works for us, actually. Not just in theory.

Tht guy is judgemental for saying that, maybe he has not yet forgiven himself for trusting other A's that hurt him in the past or who knows -- just let him have it and believe it is not about you - it is coming from his own unresolved junk.

I try to be ginger with new people, it is a bitter pill to swallow that we need to change, when we first get to alanon, then to hear -just leave- that is not the only option, not at all. Our lives are complicated and we only learn to create peace and simplicity by working it through one day at a time and actually changing it. Let this guy, "go in peace" and dont give it another thought! Dont rent space in your head - you be the voice that you listen to, okay?! biggrin Every person has an opinion and it is none of our business. If he wants to talk program, ok thats different -- if you see he doesnt have such a solid or great program, it is okay to detach and let him have it. We are all in different stages of growth and recovery. Focus on what you are doing and work to let go of this junk and it will get better. Think of it like a boundary that you dont go around~ what others think of me, is none of my business and detach with love by loving you first.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

My sponsor would say that the person giving advice may be sick at this moment, and that the advice falls in the "leave the rest" part of "take what you like and leave the rest." His issue. No need to justify your decisions to anyone else. I have found that when people give me unsolicited advice, it works fine to interrupt them and say, "Thank you, you might be right," just like we learn to do with the alcoholic. And then I can leave the physical proximity of the person if they are going to keep up the advice giving.

We all come in to the program sick, and in time we learn that we are unqualified to offer advice to anyone else. May just be that that person has not gotten to that point yet.

Summer

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

youfoundme wrote:
Without that spirituality, living with an alcoholic/addict is too much... am I wrong? THanks for your help!

I can not speak for the entire world but for me, yes, without my spirituality and AlAnon I would not have survived living with in the environment of alcoholism and addiction. The effects on my well being were too much.

Only you can decide what is the best course of action or life for you. And for the most part the people I have met in meetings respect that idea as they either are making or have had to make hard decisions themselves. But because I spent alot of time perfecting my habit of knowing what was best for someone else, I have had to really work on not falling back into forms of that behavior. Perhaps the gentleman's comment were a slip on his own program or an innocent comment of not knowing that it is not appropriate. And I don't think your reply was meek, honest and polite were the words that came to my mind. One of my most favorite benefits of working on myself is having gotten back that trust in my gut reactions and inscints to situations, much like yours to this comment, that would have eaten at me causing doubt in myself before. The tools I would use here are, what others think of me is none of my business, how important is it and let go and let HP.

Jen

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your kind responses :)
Flop: I don't have a sponsor yet, I do have a couple of phone numbers of ladies I can call, so maybe I will do that at lunch today. I haven't figured out in the group who has worked the steps yet, and it hasn't come to me to ask any certain person yet, but these two ladies reached out to me and the one I called the other night really helped. So great idea, I will call :) Even though the phone weighs 400lbs some times... :) LOL

Kitty: Thanks, I like your perspective! Something I tend to do is take on what everyone else thinks or says and wallow in it. You are right, what he thinks of me is none of my business.

Summer: Yes, I don't have to justify, maybe that is why its whirling around in my head? That I wanted to justify to him why I am staying? I don't know. I did tell him that I wasn't ready to make that decision yet, so that may of stopped him from saying further, because he did walk away after that.

Thanks :)
youfoundme

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Jennifer: Thanks! I hadn't looked at my response to him in that light. See I am glad I posted this! It was eating away at me, and the reason I said meek was because I felt like I was being chastized a little bit by this guy who barely knows me. I am the youngest person there, mostly the people there are in their 50's and 60's and I am in my 30's. So thats probably why I felt like I was being lectured or something...you are right, it is none of my business and I don't have to let it bother me...

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

My two cents - that comment from the guy was very inappropriate (and let's remember that this was an individual, and not the 'program' speaking) - I believe that he (hopefully) said it from a good heart, and not a wish to manipulate, per se...

One of my favorite things I saw from Toby Rice Drews (author of the GTS series of books) was:

"Nobody has the right to tell you to leave your relationship, not even your counselor"

Wiser words have not been said

Take care

T

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Tom, I hope so, that it came from him being nice and not that he was wanting anything. I do not do well around men usually, especially older men with white hair (childhood trauma by an old man)...I clammed up really after I said what I said...At least I got that out... I remember reading something like that too, which is why I was asking here. Thanks!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He may have felt a kinship with you for one reason or another. Maybe thought you looked and were so nice that he felt compelled to say that.

Again, if you feel ok and safe, we can always say,"What makes you ask or what makes you say that?"

We are all on different levels in our recovery maturity, some are not as careful about what they say.Maybe he really cares.

As far as the nice guys out there... WHERE ARE THEY HIDING!! haha. geez

I will share in my experience, Al Anon teaches us how to face and deal with so many things that happen. Next time this happens you will know what to say or do.

It would depend on the situation but I would said,"What makes you say that? do you want a date?"

hugs honey,deb

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb :) LOL...yeah, I don't know where he was coming from, but being that he was at least 30 years my senior...thanks for the giggle...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I am still learning Alanon ways. That type of comment would not be bad in AA because we do "call each other" on certain things. It's a challenging question yes. Only you can answer it and it probably bothered you not just because of the actual question, but what it means for you. You are still figuring out the answer to it.

If he asked it in a sleazy way like "Plenty of nice guys out there LIKE ME" than that is a different story.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"