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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> "Mourning" (and my introduction)
Post Info TOPIC: "Mourning" (and my introduction)
Party of Five


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"Mourning" (and my introduction)
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Hi, Im PoF and Im a newbie.

I wont go into the details of how I ended up here, only that once upon a time I had the perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect home, perfect lifeand alcoholism took most of that away from me.

After (too many) years of attempting to help/support/cure/coerce my ex-husband into recovery, he showed up (drunk) at the hospice where my siblings and I were dealing with my ailing mothers last moments (she had been battling aggressive cancer for 8 months). It was the final straw, and I never went home again. My children and I immediately (upon burying my mom) moved into my mothers home and survived on nothing more than a very small life insurance pay out, and a few changes of clothing.

I mean, theres a lot more to that story leading up to us leaving, and I guess Ill fess up on that someday if by sharing it helps someone else, but I can say that our history is sad, sometimes violent, but mostly just sad.

Ten months have since passed, and were still living in my mothers home. I finally did find work (and man was that hard after being a stay at home mom for so long!) Of course, I make entirely too little, and its made worse by receiving zero in financial support from my ex. Between work, afterschool activities, homework, dinner, bathtime, laundry, dishes, my days are extremely long.

But somewhere in there, I did manage to meet someone. At first I almost backed away, but I thought its just a date. But that date turned into a second date, and a third, a fourth, him meeting my children, and here I am a few months later with all of these conflicting feelings, and Im not even sure if Al Anon can help me reconcile this part.

To me, it feels like my ex is dead. I mean, I still talk to him (very) occasionally, so its obvious that hes still alive and actively drinking, but he is absolutely not the same person any longer. The man I adored and planned on spending the rest of my life with? Gone. And hes been replaced by this crazyman who, even when he isnt drinking just acts strange. Ive recently called his behavior Charlie Sheen-ish when trying to describe his behavior to my boyfriend.

Its as if Im mourning our old life, and the old him. I absolutely cannot let go of my love for who he *was*. That said, I know that its absolutely impossible to ever reconcile our marriage and family. Im over that part the ship has sailed. But its absolutely terrifying to me, that I cant seem to move on *emotionally*.  When the boyfriend and I have discussed this, and Im utterly honest with him concerning all of this, he ends up frustrated, because I cant seem to fully move forward.

 

Is this normal??? 



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Jerry F


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Aloha PoF and welcome to the board...Hope you find the time to attend face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area.  MIP has a majority of Al-Anon members and it is not Al-Anon as a registered site.  

What you are going thru is "normal" for alcoholism.  You and your family have been affected by the incurable, life threating disease and now it has hooked into your boy friend...he is getting frustrated also.   "The disease of alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with...period".   When I started to "move on" away from my alcoholic addicts...immediate family and new relationships I moved on with the affect.  Normal for me is from within the disease of alcoholism and addiction it is what I was born into, worked, played and reacted to and what I know about most naturally...therefore normal.  I relied too much and too often of the alcoholics and addicts in my life to provide peace of mind and serenity for me rather than finding out what that was from my very own best work and therefore became "co" dependant within the disease of alcoholism.  Alcoholism is a progressive disease and fatal if not arrested by total abstinence.  Lots of things die as a result of the disease including relationships, families, jobs, financial security etc.  Loosing everything including self worth and self motivation is normal and when we continue doing those same reliances upon others for our happinesses the disease continues on.

There is hope; was and is for me and that came from and comes from the fellowship of the Al-Anon Family groups...that miracle of people who had and have been where I was and learned in the groups of those who came before them what it was like, what was newly learn and how it is now.  We can change "us".  We can learn to rebuild our minds, bodies, spirits and emotions.  We can find a Power Greater than the disease that took everything away from us.   I lost "it" all several times to the disease of addictions...alcoholism, drugs, and other. "It" also including my sanity, my spirituality and my willingness to live.  I didn't come to end my life I came to ending how I lived my life and then got it back better than I could ever expect it to be. 

Today no one is responsible for my happiness or sadness...not an alcoholic or addict or non-alcoholic/addict.  I don't hold others responsible for me.

The journey has been difficult and horrible for your children also and there is help for them too.

Welcome again and keep coming back.  This works when we work it.

(((((hugs))))) smile



-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 02:28:07 PM



-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 02:28:53 PM

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Otie


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Dear Party of Five.  From what you have shared, I can see that you have been down a rough road---but, I see you are still standing.  You must be pretty strong at base line.  You didn't say, but I assume you have 4 children?

I have lost a relationship from rejection and I have lost one from death (most recent).  In both situations I have gone through the grieving process.  I can tell you from my experience (and what I have seen in others) that nothing is as terrifying as the thought of embarking on another relationship.  So yes, I think your feelings are "normal" for where you are now. 

From my experience, I found that being very honest about my feelings and taking it as slowly as I felt comfortable was the way to go.  I think that 10mo. is not all that long for the amount of adjustments that you have been tryig to make.  This is a time of tremendous adjustment for your children as well.  This takes its own time for all of you.

You have the time.  Nothing needs to be ruhed.  Get all the help you can.  Alanon and alateen (if the age is right) are certainly good sources.  Also there are good books on grieving process (helped me a lot) and about "blended families".  I feel that supportive counseling can be a gift to yourself if you so feel you would llike that.  After all, you have given out so much---I'll bet it would feel good the have some support in your own corner for a change? 

There are a lot of people on this board to help you.  Ask if you need it.  OOPs--you just did.  LOL.

Over time (and with some support), I believe things will get better.

God bless you, Love, Otiesmile



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canadianguy


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Hi, and welcome to MIP... I don't have much to add, over & above the two great replies you have already received, other than to say....  my counselor used to almost have to yell at me,

 

"Tom, you are trying to save a white picket fence marriage, but guess what - yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!" 

Our stories seem somewhat similar, and I think you'll be astounded at how many others do as well....  "moving on", emotionally, typically takes some recovery on our part, and Al-Anon is a wonderful place for that to take place....

In the immortal words of my wise old sponsor - "it is neither good, nor bad - it simply is".....

Your past is your past....  It's okay to "look, but don't stare"....  You've taken a positive initial step in breaking the chain, by posting here today

 

I wish you well

Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Pof, welcome!

You just described my journey. cept he was on the phone being a jerk while I was standing over my MOther as she was dieing.

My kids were grown. I told him to get out of my house.

He came back with flowers and card. Was good for a bit longer.But didn't last. He had had a brain surgery before mother died. woke up a monster.
Relapsed after years of strong program.

skip to after he left, I was like you. I pray and sobbed to HP to make me not love him. Then I realized I did love the man I married. Like you he is dead to me. He honestly is so brain damaged and relapsed that he is no one i want to know.

then I would get tugs to want to call him, see him.But he never called me or anything,never offered to help with EVERYTHING  he left for me to clean up.ALL His bills, taxes etc.

I thought wait a minute, he does not care about me or love me. I would think this when ever I got a tug. Then the feeling went away., I don't even remember how it felt when he did love me. the man in his body is a monster.

With Al Anon skills believe me you will feel better.

It is my thought we need to be balanced by ourself before we have a relationship.

But you have met someone. totally up to you.

Hope this helped in some way. Glad you are here and hope you keep coming.love,deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
GailMichelle


~*Service Worker*~

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sun.gif  Welcome PoF!

I'm glad you found us.   This is a great site!

First, I'm sorry of your mother's passing. 

Second, I do think it's normal to feel as you do about relationships.  I divorced my ex-AH after 36 years of marriage.  This June, will mark the first anniversary of our divorce.  I still don't feel divorced; I feel more separated since we talk on the phone some times.   I have absolutely no interest in another relationship.  The thought of one makes me want to run! 

I still feel a lot of emotions for my ex and I have a lot of emotional baggage.  It would be unfair to become involved with someone else at this time. 

I've begun to attend Al-Anon meetings, for a little over 3 months  and read some of the literature daily.  At first, I wasn't too sure about the meetings; however, each time I return, I became more comfortable with the format and began to understand the rational behind the format of the meetings.

I began going to meetings because I felt desperate.  I had lots of private counseling for years.  It helped to some degree.  But I found that attending meetings provides me opportunities to listen to others who have been or still are in my type of situations.  It helps tremendously to learn how others have gained & maintain some degree of serenity. 

I hope you give meetings serious consideration, and I hope you join us regularly here at MIP.  There's a lot of great members.

 



-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 05:09:44 PM

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi there and welcome! I tried dating once while I was seperated from my exAH and it didn't go well for him. I was codependent on AH still and the bf codependent to me. It was a mess, so I vowed not to get into the next relationship until I feel comfortable in my own skin and am ready. You are already in a realtionship and Al-anon usually says to not make any major changes when first starting to work your program. I am still not ready and know I have to spend some more time with me before I am ready to make the jump into relationships. I do think about it and get lonesome at times, but I want to feel healthier within so as not to make some more major mistakes in choosing a mate. I am glad you found MIP and hopefully you are attending Al-anon face to face meetings too.

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
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