What to do when you have a little one? - Al-Anon Family Group

annemarieski · Newbie

What to do when you have a little one?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Anne

I am glad that you are familiar with al anon meetings and know how powerful they are. Now that you have a little one it is just as important to find an alanon meeting in your community and attend. You can find a meeting by going to:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html .

Do not worry about bringing your little one to meetings. When you call to find a meeting check if you can bring your child as meetings have room for children.

It is so important to connect, break your isolation, and gain the support and understanding that you need in order to make intelligent constructive decisions.

You are not alone and with the program, and a Higher Power you can grow and build a successful life for yourself and your family.

sdisnie · Senior Member

This right here is exactly where I've always struggled.....it's SO much easier to work a program on a daily basis and worry about yourself if you don't have children to worry about. This is where I'm not sure on where to draw the line, I feel it can be a very fine line here......sure we can ignore the A and let them deal with their own crud....yet when our child is with that person....then what? It's not so easy!! I find myself beyond stress when I have to face this because I know what I lived with all those years....do i want my children put through that? NO! So that's when it becomes my business and then i obsess about the A...how can I not? I'm very confused on how to deal with this part of the whole situation........if your child is young, then all i can say is be a mom and do what you have to do to protect your child.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

For your childs sake you continue going to meetings and take the little one with you if you have too . the rest you will figure out as you go along . keep the focus on yourself and child and your gonna be okay .

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

I relate to this so much. My A wife is a stay at home mom and cares for our 4 year old and 2 year old. It is hard, and there have been times where I've had to choose between following what the program recommends and doing what I think is right to keep the kids safe. Fortunately it hasn't been quite that dramatic or black & white, but there have been times that I've done things that I know are contradictory to what the program recommends but I felt good about it because of the kids. That being said, the program is my guide for the overwhelming majority of the decisions I make these days.

I will also say that relying on my higher power has been a life saver. Without that, I just worried and worried everyday about the kids. I think it's a must to maintain any level of sanity.

clep · Senior Member

When I was in this position after reconcilling I put my program first and the rest fell into place. I learned about options to keep my child safe without having to leave my A. I never would have even thought of those options without my program.

I had to have program in mind all day every day via lots of different avenues. I still do that.

I worked around lots via new boundaries I learned and how to set them. Now our son learns those boundaries he takes with him through life.

When I didn't know what to do I left that with my HP. I have always been guided and most times in ways that I never would have imagined.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I did the best I could with what I had at that time which was never perfect. I parented and love unconditionally. I helped them learn from school and life; from fishing to boating to skill work. I helped them with their social skills, being a part of the community and at times I wasn't the one that should have been the teacher. I let the elders into the "raising the kids" situation when I knew that was best and tried to take care of myself at the same time while wondering if anyone or anything on the face of the planet would or could save my marriage. The church had no idea and wanted me to keep coming back anyway. Some of my friends suggested a new wife and had referrals ready to go. In the end the suggestion to divorce came written on a prescription pad. Since the using had not ended and was getting worse and since two separations had not made her come around I quit "dieing" for it and went to court where I lost it all including the kids. It wasn't good being a man and husband and father back then. Thank God for Al-Anon and the entire fellowship who saved my life and then helped me put it back together again.

Great question...still reading. smile

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have two kids, and what I am learning is to keep my focus on me and work my program, get to meetings, listen and learn and find my own spirituality. Then I can pass it on to my kids. I remember the words: Remain calm (esp. when he drinks), Don't React! (again esp. when he drinks), let go and let God, as well as let it begin with me. Keep coming back, hope you have some face to face meetings you can get to!!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Work your program and live the best life you can. Learn how to not enable and get your life back. Practice changing what you can and loving yourself with dignity, respect and honor - that will show/role model to your child how to self love and how to value and protect yourself through boundaries.

Growing up in this disease is tragic to a child - it makes them lose their childhood to see and hear adult issues and themselves in all of the emotional enmeshment. Learn to detach with love from ur A and the consequences of his actions created by his behavior. Worrying is a negative emotion and a waste of time (keeps u busy, gettting you no where)- so no, dont worry (I pray my worries over and hand them to the HP/God) or wait for someone else to do something - waiting and wishing is another word for having expectations- which allows us to have resentments.

Learn how to define your own needs and get them met- value and prioritize yourself and dont compromise you for another person bc all that will do will further show your child how to be a codependent enabler and how to sacrifice the self. Model what is healthiest for you and do not discuss adult issues or argue in front of your child - they dont deserve our emotionalism, plus it is scary when we are emotional and out of control. BE calm when you talk to your child. Be honest but be age appropriate. Learn to focus on you and know how to take care of and prserve yourself. Kids will emulate the healtheir parent, kids want structure! Stand up for you bc if you dont, no one else will. This will teach her how to live well. If you work it and find peace and happiness (inside jobs) your kid will be happy and have peace too.

Growing up in this insanity - all I ever wanted and wished for was my mom to be happy and she never seemed to get there -- which always hurt me. My pain hurt her and she took it personally - that is how it is with two bleeding heart martyrs. I had to focus on finding my own peace and forgiveness and how to take care of me, bc now that I meet my own needs - I am peaceful and happier bc I get that stuff from me first and not them.

We teach our kids how to be and act by our behavior. She will emulate you and soak up what you do around her like a sponge. I saw my mom was a codie martyr and I tried to be the biggest and the best martyr I could be - I even attempted suicide three times over a 21 year period --- god was not going to let me go without a fight and I did not get to tragically end my existence. So I work my program like my life depends on it - bc it does. If I dont fight for me, I am losing me by focusing on them, then we both resent each other and that is insanity.

Today I stand up and fight for me, and I do it in quieter and quieter ways now - I may merely leave the room -but that takes me out of the drama and out of the contest of wills. I surrender others to HP and I work on what I need- my own approval and respect. Today I get validation and love from my own self, on the inside from my HP. I dont need others to validate me bc I value what is healthiest for me and detach with love from what they want for me. Their wants and opinions are none of my business.

This is your life, your program and about your serenity -take no prisoners! You are worth fighting for and discovering. You can nurture you and re-parent where others left off if necessary... it certainly was for me.

annemarieski · Newbie

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support! I don't know what I'd do without this program. I will try to get to a meeting soon. For now, my A is doing OK, but it is ODAT...

stephaniej · Senior Member

I struggle with this too; my A and I have a one year old, and I have two older kids from my first marriage. Tom here at MIP stresses making sure that children know they are loved, and that they are safe...no matter what. That has helped me a lot.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.