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Hello all....well today is my ABF's bday and I wanted to have a nice day. He hasn't been drinking for the past couple of months, but today he sent me a text message telling me that he is having a party on saturday and asked what I thought about him drinking. Everything went numb. I don't know what to do anymore. For whatever reason I can't see my life without him, I hate thinking of us breaking up and him moving onto another girl and falling in love. But I can't be around his drinking. He said its a one time thing, but Im not stupid. I feel numb...just numb
I'm afraid that is a fairly common thing - I think in their mixed up brain, they want to ask our permission, so as to push their decision onto us.... it's not fair, or right, or healthy....
After the first couple of times it happened, I had to learn to simply not bite, and allow them to own that decision fully
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Toms right on , agree and its your fault . My God this disease never fails to amaze me . If he chooses to drink you can leave the party and go back to your home . no discussion needed just leave . Take care of you . Louise
An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. They will still manipulate even if you are not with them anymore. The toughtest part of my recovery was staying out of his. All we can do is concentrate on ours. His decision are his alone to make. The consequences of those decisions are also his responsibility. Keep coming back to us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh, I'm sorry for your predicament. No way would I get pulled into that discussion if I were you. And I would say ONCE that I didn't think it was a great idea, and then drop it. Remember to give yourself a plan B. If things get ugly you can make a getaway. But maybe things will be okay. But, but, but......
This is such a double edged sword that the alcoholics hit us with when they ask us if they can drink. If we say yes and then they do, how can we get upset? We said it was okay. If we say no, we're being controlling. Either way, if we start to believe that we have some kind of say in the decision and control over the outcome, we lose. That belief is what got me a seat here in the first place - the belief that I could get the A to not drink anymore.
Plain and simple, the decision whether to drink (or not) rests with the A and the A alone. Unfortunately, even if we say "no" they're ultimately going to do what we want anyway. Making it seem like we have a say just sets us up for disappointment.
Good luck,
Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Monday 30th of May 2011 05:55:45 PM
Aloha Corgi...try some detachment language, such as..."Your drinking and its consequences are not my responsiblility". Then go do something for yourself...whatever makes you feel good. ((((hugs))))
I would definetely not get involved in his decision, other than to tell him you choose NOT to be around his drinking. He can make his decision accordingly. Hopefully he will choose not to drink, at least while you're there, but hopefully not at all. But he has to make the decision for himself. Giving you that power is unhealthy for the both of you!
Sorry you're faced with this situation. I know what it feels like, my AH used to ask if it was ok all the time...... and I never knew what to say. It never mattered what I said, he would push and push and never drop it until out of pure frustration I would finally yell "do whatever you want"...then I'd be the bad guy for 'exploding'. In that case, he drank because I was so evil, or he drank cause I said yes, or he drank cause I said I didn't care, or he drank cause I said "no, it's not ok" but really later said it was ok (even though I never did!), or he drank cause I never answerd, or he drank cause I walked away, or he drank cause everyone else was, or he drank cause he hasn't had a drink for a week, or a day or an hour!
If you can somehow though, letting him own that decision, as others suggested,... is the lesser of all the evils, so to speak. Although, in my experience, it always got turned around on me, didn't matter what of the hundreds of responses I provided over time. The times I did leave it to him to own, then walked away or got on the phone or left or whatever, well then he would just lie and tell me I allowed it, that I said something I never did.
Thank you all so much for your sincere input. I really appreciate all the ESH that you share with me. Things are tough, but hopefully they will get better =/
