Thank you for your post.  In this forum or in face to face meetings I will say that we are all here because we are not all there if you know what I mean.  I think you will get many different types of responses on your topic.   Certainly you are free to ask any question you like.   I hope you still have the courage to do so since you have experience with feedback that was less than loving. 

Two most helpful pieces of information that I like are in the Alanon pamphlets. 

1.  Alcoholism, the Merry Go Round Named Denial P-3

2.  A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic  P-7

In A Guide for the Gamily of the Alcoholic, there is a page that begins with "Begin with Self"   I think you alluded to that when you said in your post that you should educate yourself on the disease as it is a family disease.   For me it was most helpful to my family and loved ones who suffer when I dove into my program, learning all I could about the disease and begin working the steps with a sponsor.  I have found for me that my observations, perceptions, and judgements about the disease were skewed and that it was safer for me to not comment on someones drinking nor label anyone as an alcoholic. 

I have discovered over the years that alcoholism is a self identifiable disease.  Only one alcoholic can identify with another alcoholic through the sharing of their experience, strength and hope.   I myself am not one.  As such any comments I made to suggest were taken very poorly and often damaged relationships.

So today I keep the focus on myself and practice the program one day at a time.  When I live this way I step out of the role of educator, advisor, and scorekeeper.  I discovered by doing so, I gave the disease back to my loved ones and they did come to the realization they have a problem with their drinking.  That did not happen because of me.   It happened because I gave them the dignity to suffer the consequences as a result of their choices and actions.   I think that is what happens when we mind our own business and keep the focus on ourselves.

There is an expression, "God has no grandchildren."  God has had a unique way to get my attention and show me it is a full time job running my own life.  If I believe that quote, then he also has a unique way to reach my AH loved ones that I cannot.

Thank you for sharing your post so courageously

Respectfully Yours,

TC

Tommycat
I like what you say. actually it's spot on. I live with an active alcoholic and about to separate and I keep wondering what if he admitted he had a pb.....
When these types of thoughts occur I go back to al anon literature and message board and I get the answer like today.
So I work my steps and try not to react and explain myself and I feel better for it.
But it is hard work
So thank you so much for making my day :)

Good for you for asking! How someone responds is their problem. NOT YOURS. Please don't take it personal. Of course ask questions.

For me I took many classes on addiction. I have always been interested in it. It was teh clinical part. Then Al anon filled in ALL the holes!

My experience is some people drink a lot, then decide they don't want to anymore, they have family or are getting older or whatever. Once they get passed detox and the habit, they find they can drink socially and not to dang forgot how to spell excess. doesn't look right? Anyway they were never an addict, just a habit. fortunate are they!!

Addicts have markers in their dna that they are predisposed to being an addict. Once an addict always an addict. They need a strong program to be sober and keep their life on track. They almost always relapse.

Yes their disease is progressive thru their life. We always pray for a long, healthy recovery!

So you are right.

The person remember is in Al Anon for a reason. Who knows what they have gone thru. Now I am thinking what would have said it better is, we only take our own inventory, their disease is their own. We don't diagnose. BUT that was not what you were asking.

You can ask here anything you need to! Keep searching!

It made me soooo much more compassionate once I learned the truth about this horrible disease.

hugs! Hey i  hope you let our hugs and friendship cancel out that turkeys bolony!

debilyn

"but he claims that his dad was but now in his late years can drink socially and control it."

I may be able to wrestle an alligator and win. But why and for how long?

Dear sdisnie, I read your post and then I went and read your profile--and I "get it"---I get why that would be a logical question for you to ask.

I did not get the impression that you were asking with the motive to just go around labeling people.

I don't think it is ever wrong to quest for knowledge.  If that is your motive, then  every question that you don't understand is, at bottom line, a valid question.

I know, for myself, it is hard for me to just accept an answer if I don't understand it.  My own background is based very much in the sciences.  I have been asking questions all of my life.  We would still be back in the dark ages in many ways if people along the way did not at least question the status-quo. 

Remember that many of the LAWS of science did not become so until a very long time of questioning the hypothesis--testing and retesting and still questioning  some more!  If something is accurate and true it MUST withstand all questioning and STILL hold up.  Scientists are always willing to question, challenge, and fight tooth and nail.  You will never find a good scientist who doesn"t have more questions than answers.  As a matter of fact---question the scientist that proposes to have all the answers.

I know that you are probably not trying to parade as a "scientist", and I am waxing very philosophical here.  But this is my view and I hope you get the drift. LOL.

Gee, it was within my own lifetime that alcoholism was considered simply a character defect and not a disease at all.  The DSM did not recognize it as a disease.  The concept of DNA markers was just a vague hypothesis whispered in the back rooms of scientific pioneers who were probably told a gazillion times to "shut up: it's none of your business"  "Don't rock the boat, baby"

In the 60's and 70's, it was plastered everywhere--"Question Authority"

Not too long ago, I asked your same question, here on the message board.  I invite you to look at it and the responses that I got.  That might be elucidating for you.  I asked it because I was struggling to understand (not label or stir up trouble).

I got many different answers.  After a while, I came to the conclusion that made the most sense to me.  I do believe that, NOW, I understand more than before I asked the question. 

I'm glad to see you on the board.  I think you  were courageous to make your posting (as some others have recognized). 

Just like in healthy families, we can agree to disagree sometimes!

I offer this postingly respectfully and lovingly,

Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 29th of May 2011 03:16:32 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses, I love everyone on here and how open and real they are, it has always felt like a safe place to come.....

I wanted to personally thank Otie for reading my profile and 'getting it' that means a lot! Thank you!

Just to explain, i never asked the question in anyway to label anyone, what i really wanted to know was if an alcoholic can ever drink normally, but I asked it in the way that my friend had brought it up. I have a constant thirst for knowledge, in just about everything. I question everything and want to know things and have always delved deep into psychology and especially addiction. I did not grow up with addiction and therefore knew nothing about it....from the time i was 17 until now at 39 I have dealt with an 'alcoholic' I watched him become one and it wasn't until about 2006 that I started to really want to know everything about this disease and I still question it and want to know...the ins, the outs, the arounds!

So when I posted a question on another board, I was really taken aback by the fact that I felt I was not allowed to be asking any questions or opinions at all..

But thank you all for always being here! I've been on here since 2006!

What affects you is none of your business?  Huh?  Of course it is your business.  I liken it to if someone in my house has an epileptic seizure and breaks my lamp.  Sure, they have a disease and everyone can see it.  But my lamp is broken and it has affected me!!  I think this person simply can't bear to think of alcoholism as a disease. 

Hot Rod....I understand all that completely...however, what about the children we are raising that now have a 50/50 chance of becoming an alcoholic too? If it is in fact a disease, don't want to want to know about it, take preventative measures to teach our children to be careful because they are susceptible to the disease as well? We would do that if a type of cancer ran in the family....so why should this be any different?