The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling confused, mad and hurt again, in that order. I am smiling because I know this too shall pass.
My exAH is back in prison. He explained to me that he drank and his SIL reported it. Of course there were plenty of circumstances and excuses as to why he drank blah blah blah. He is worried a particular friend of his and family members are trying to contact me. My gut tells me why .... of course according to him I did something to make this happen and as long as there is no contact each person believes the lie. Except me, this ain't my first rodeo. I am thinking it may be my last one.
My instinct a year ago was to run as far and as fast as possible. But afte time I thought facing my fears with the support of my program and faith in myself and my HP would be the best option for me. My confusion comes from how to stop feeling guilty for moving on ... my hurt is from being used as an excuse again ... My anger is complicated. I am so grateful to this program and have such respect for it that my exAH's misuse of the material is so offensive to me that I am having a hard time letting go of the anger and it stirs up that little pot of residual resentment. Maybe this time all of it will be released, I hope. Thanks for letting me share.
HUGS Jen! I was told in a meeting that I don't have to answer the phone if I know the person is probably going to upset me in some way...is that something you can do? Was this his one phone call to you? To rag on you? :( Sorry that happened. HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Feeling guilty for moving on - man is that a familiar scenario - I was there too. I was told if I felt guilt over doing what was healthier for me, that is was false guilt - bc guilt only comes to us when we feel we are doing or have done something "wrong." Guilt comes after and action, not before. Ignore the false guilt and keep doing the next healthy/right thing ~ for YOU. Forgive yourself for feeling guilty and identify that as the disease, bc it does not want us to change the status quo.
Focus on YOU and take actions that allow you to feel your own self resepct. I used to think this Earth was purgatory and we were all being punished for our actions. It is not like that, HP doesnt judge us, we are the ones comparing. Choose to be kind and gentle to you first and allow others to be who they are and deal with the consequences of their own actions. As long as we feel bad for them or study their life choices, we feel hopeless. Our lives are merely a consequence of the choices we make ~ it is not personal.
YOU only have one life, make it about you and what you can do to empower yourself. Detach with love and respect from what your AH says and thinks about alanon. A's are master manipulators and being mad at him for being manipulative, wont help you or him. Trace th4e anger and face what is underneath it - anger alwasy comes after we are hurt. Embracing my pain is the only way I have discovered to let it go - but it hurts a lil while before you are ready to relinquish control or power over it.
When I was confused, I was told in program that there was something about reality I was not accepting. Accept what you cannot change and change what you can. It does get better!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha Jen...Your post reminded me of a humorous thought I had in the early days of recovery where my disease of enabling had killed me and I was standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked me "what are you doing here?" I replied that I had died and was seeking a place in heaven. He turned to check the record and then said to me "What I see here is the record of the life of your alcoholic wife." I looked at the record and sure enough it was. "What do I do now?" I screamed and St. Peter said "you gotta go back and do it all again and different." I wasn't happy and I didn't wanna do it. I heard in the rooms ages ago..."The life you have is God's gift to you and what you do with it is your Gift to God." There should not be any guilt in that I think. (((hugs)))
I may have to go back to no contact. I was OK with being a member of his support system but not his entire support system which it was turning into. I am too busy living my life, with school, work, volunteering and taking care of me, to take all those phone calls. Not to mention that while similar in concept AlAnon and AA are not the same thing. I understand why doctors should not treat family members ... and I do not want to be privy to my exAH's stumbles through his program whether it be true or false in nature. Nor do I want him to be watching mine. It is not a healthy environment for me. Glad to say just getting those thoughts out helped get rid of the hurt, anger and confusion .. the guilt I am going to do some research on survivor's guilt and add that knowledge to my base
I am smiling because I know this too shall pass.