The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, ah who drinks every day managed to not drink all day on Friday for my birthday. But he's made up for it, now on day two of a binge. I've tried TCOMF, pretending that he isn't even here, as in reality, he isn't. His body may be here, drunk or passed out, but HE is not. I've been doing my own things, working in the garden, walking & playing with the dogs, making meals for myself. I went to the barbecue in town today to have a nice dinner. A woman there asked me if I was alone because T was drunk? I told her that he was sleeping when I left. She then proceeded to tell me that on Thursday she had seen him on the street drinking ffrom a bottle of liquor. I replied ¨I'll tell him you asked about him¨ and went ahead to my table. I thought I was handling things well until I got home. He was still passed out in the guest house. On Friday he was supposed to clean the kitchen before my birthday party. His idea of cleaning is to stuff things into bags and boxes and move it into another room. I asked him yesterday to please move the stuff out of the bedroom where he had stashed it on Friday. It was still there today. Around 6:00 I went in the guesthouse and woke him up. Told him he had fifteeen minutes to move the stuff or I was going to throw it off the deck. (I don't know why, but throwing things gives me great satisfaction) I told him I was so angry with him that I didn't care if the things got damaged. He obviously didn't care, so why should I? At two minutes before the deadline he came and moved the stuff back into the kitchen. Then went back into the guesthouse where he is now fast asleep, again. And here I am still feeling frustrated and angry. Partly at him and partly at myself for letting him to get me and for losing my cool. I don't even know the purpose of this post except that I think I needed to vent someplace safe to people who understand. Thanks for being here.
I am so happy that you can have somewhere safe to vent. You dealt with the situation perfectly, I think. It's ok to get angry and it's not like you were out of control.
Vent away! I have done it more times than I would like to admit.
((((pineapple))) You did the best you could with what you had at the time...I think you handled the situation well - with the woman who told you she saw him drinking on the street. You didn't engage and allow yourself to be pulled into it by asking questions or starting a rant about him with her. I hate when people used to tell me they saw my AH here or there doing this or that or they thought he was drunk when they saw him at this event ect... It was so hard for me to not ask more questions. I would want to figure out exactly when, then go back and look at my calendar to pin point what exactly he *said* he'd be doing when in fact so and so saw him someplace else...why? Cause that's my disease...cause it was easier to play detective than deal with my own crap. You didn't get pulled into it! Good for you!
ps. throwing things gives me great satisfaction as well, or at least I think it does, in the moment, until I have to pick up the broken stuff or feel guilty.
Take care:) I'm glad you came here to vent.
Danielle
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 07:48:38 PM
Vent away. Remember, we are human too. We are allowed to get angry. We are allowed to throw things. We also are the responsible ones, so we end up cleaning up our own messes....darn it. You did good with the lady who wanted to tell you all about what your A was doing. I was on the receiving end of the news that "the wife is always the last to know" and I couldn't say anything back, but nod my head. I knew. And I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't know any details and I wanted it to stay that way. But I knew he was using the viagra on someone, and not me.
It's O.K. when we reach a point that enough is enough. Throw anything you like, frying pans included. And as Jerry mentioned once, you can go outside, have a fit, and punch and kick the sky. I've been there and will go there again. We take, take, take, from the disease, we work our program to the best of our ability, we use all the tools the program offers, we detach, we don't react, we take care of ourself first, keep the focus on ourself, and when the disease wins it doesn't mean we have loss. It only means we get to start over tomorrow, the program allows that.
Tomorrow the sun will come up, your dogs will be there for you, your garden will have new weeds for you to pull, (sorry inside joke), or maybe go to town any find something special for yourself. If you think I'm trying to make you feel better and think about yourself, then your right.
You are keeping remarkably cool. But the whole situation is hard, isn't it? Very hard. Remember that you don't have to put up with any of it. I'm afraid I don't remember your personal circumstances, if you have explained them, but the vast majority of us have a choice of whether to stay with our alcoholic or not. Are the pluses greater than the minuses? Often it's a choice between two situations we don't want (being with an alcoholic vs. being on our own).
For me, sometimes I stayed with the alcoholic because my rage and despair was so great that it was easier for me to distract myself with the chaos of his life than to be alone with my feelings. After a while, I was paying too great a price.
Anyway, my point wasn't to say that you should leave -- we all have different circumstances. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we feel as if we have no choices, when we do. Just knowing it's a choice instead of a trap can be freeing.
(((((Pineapple))))) go ahead and choose better...it's okay to choose better. It's our responsibility to choose better. We own the consequences; good or bad. I'm growling with you. GRRRrrrrrrr.
Thanks everyone for your responses. You've helped me see that I have made some progress and that it's OK to be angry sometimes. (And to have a hissy fit once in awhile too) I've been telling myself ¨progress, not perfection¨ and that helps. And as RLC said ¨...we get to start over tomorrow, the program allows that.¨ And I am much better on this new day. Thanks again to all of you. I don't know where I'd be without this place.
