The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling at the moment with a very sick AH who is not eating - I can get my hand round his upper arm - and has a very damaged liver, gastric tract, etc.(for those who don't know - I have been married to AH for 39 years + and he has been alcohol dependant for the last 6 or so years, gradually getting worse and worse). Clearly he is not going to survive - I am just amazed he has lasted as long as he has.
Our son has a learning disability which means that although 30 he functions around the age of 12. I have been trying to prepare Son for the fact that his father is not going to live. But every time I approach it with him he changes the subject - he doesn't want to know. I have been talking about the happy times he has had - and he used to have a very good, loving relationship with his Dad, with common interests in cricket, football and snooker. Has anyone else been in this same situation? If not with a disabled child but children who are old enough to understand but still love their Dad? What do I say? How can I prepare him if he doesn't want to listen? It really is very difficult.
I understand how hard this can be. Your son knows what is happening and . he is processing it on his level and at his ability I would not push it. Try to do what you are doing and remember the good times and try to make these times as good as you can.
My son was only 15 when his dad contracted cancer of the esophagus He was given 6 months to live. My husband went from 200 pounds to 120 pounds in that 5 months . My son talked to him, watch games with him drove with him to the doctor, talked to him about his life and how he loved him and the night he died my son came out of the room and asked "When did Dad get so thin?" He had not seen the obvious because he could not deal with it.
Here in the States we have a liquid vitamin drink that might be helpful for your husband to get some nourishment it is called Nutriment and is found in pharmacies and food stores Just maybe you could use this since eating is difficult.
What I did with those friends and relatives who seemed to be on the terminal side of the disease was to practice turning it over and prayer with hope. I've seen real miracles and haven't managed to create one yet except by working the program for myself. I've stood by them, hugged them, prayed with them, 12th stepped them, and told them there were alternatives if they wished to understand and follow thru. For the ones I were married to or in a mutual relationship with I did nothing that worked for them but worked for me...I got out of the way between them and God and turned myself over to God as I understand God also. Somehow I have decided to follow the suggestions rather than take on the creativity I had before program which never worked.
Practice the tools and alternative choices you have learned in the program and keep coming back. Prayers being offered for him and you and your son. Try the prayer on the back of the "Just For Today" pamphlet. (((((hugs)))))
Honestly, I don't think preparedness helps a whole lot. Several times I have known someone's death was coming, as a child and as an adult. Never was knowing it any easier. I believe the healing can only come after, when we learn we can go on without them.
(((hugs)))
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Dear Tatty, I also agree that your son is processing at his own level and ability. I am sure that he knows that you are there if he wants to talk or needs comfort. Kids don't always know how to verbaize their feelings as they are happening. He knows what is happening.
I have been in the same situation with loved ones as an adult--and I agree with others on the board, knowing doesn't necessarily change anything. I think we are all "protected" mercifully by a certain level of denial so that we can get through things.
(((Tatty))) I'm sorry, I have no ESH to offer concerning the situation with your son. Just want to let you know you and your family continue to be in my prayers. I know this is a very difficult time, please remember to take care of you.
Do you have Hospice where you are? I'm wondering if they could give you advice based on the experiences they've had dealing with death - just a thought. Another thought would be to consult with those who work with the mentally challenged for insight - does he have case workers/helpers? I transport a developmentally disabled kid and he has several adult helpers in his life that work at easing him through difficulties. Best of luck to you.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
One of my Uncles died when I was 12. It was from an accident caused by his alcoholism. There was no capability in my family to deal with grief. Indeed my mother sent me to school that day where I burst into tears. Needless to say no one at the school asked me what was going on either.
I think your son has plenty in being able to have you to go to. In some ways even though he is 12 there may have to be other resources other than you to go to. Are there grief support groups in your area. I went to one when a friend of mine died from AIDs it was very helpful.
Sometimes we want to make everything right when we can't. The fact that it is all out in the open is so key for your son. No one is hiding what is going on. No one is sugar coating it. No one is pretending otherwise. That alone is such a huge gift.
