The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been to alanon meetings before but recent events have pushed me to realize I need to talk with others who may be experiencing the same things I am.
I have a dear friend who I've known for almost 20 years that was recently hospitalized because she couldn't stand up. She and I speak on the phone regularly but I haven't seen her in a few years. When I stopped by the hopsital to visit I was heartbroken. She had a tremendous amount of fluid buildup in her abdomen, she wasn't able to walk or roll over and she just looked old and defeated. I realized after speaking with her spouse that she has been drinking non-stop for the past 3 years. She was always a drinker but I think on some level I wouldn't acknowledge the signs of her alcoholism because she was functioning. I speak to her daily - she will be in the hospital indefinitely - and know that she's suffering from chirrosis and her liver is dying, although I don't know that she understands what that means for her. It's changed her personality as well, making her angry and difficult to talk to.
I am trying so hard to not be angry with her as she is so sick but I can't help feeling she did this to herself, then I feel guilty for thinking that. Her symptoms were getting progressively worse this past year but she ignored them because she knew a doctor would tell her she'd need to stop drinking.
Any advice for me? My heart hurts for her and her family.
I can say, welcome here, you have come to the right place. You can seek refuge in face to face alanon groups, I found groups online through the alanon website in my state. I am pretty sure you can find the phone number in the phone book still too, in order to find a local meeting. The meetings will help you understand and deal with your feelings. Alanon is for us to help us. Again welcome here :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi there it sounds like you are in the right place. Under the serenity prayer under my share you will see a number you could call to find an Al-anon face to face meeting in your area. That is where I found others who could understand me and my struggle to understand Alcoholism. I have found great support in the meetings and I hope you will also.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
It is okay to be angry and feel that but then you must let it go. Yes, it hurts to see how some people choose to live their lives bc they are hurting themselves in the process. We hurt in that process too, if we blame and ask why. Our lives are not personal - they are merely a consequence of the choices we make. God is not punishing us, we get back what we put out.
Give your friend the dignity and respect to die in peace (if this is the outcome/prognosis). Nothing you can do will change how she thinks or feels, certainly when we care more about thier problem/life then they do, they pity us and they resent us for it, just as we resent the choices they made. All we can is live our own best life, the best we can with what we have at that moment in time. I am sure she is scared and already loathes and blames herself and feels terribly guilty. She likely thinks there is nothing she can do and perhaps that is true and it is too late now. Love and support her, offer her dignity and forgiveness, then maybe she can think about forgiving herself before it is too late. You are powerless to change or control her, but offering her dignity, grace, love, support and forgiveness is very powerful and can offer her a glimpse of peace, seeing that love in your eyes. Compassion and forgiveness are the most powerful tools of love and it is never too late to forgive.
May god strengthen your way, I hope you learn more about how to stop enabling and how to detach with love from blaming yourself or others. Take care & god bless. Please share your thoughts and feelings with other alanons, we do understand and in program you will find peace and acceptance.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you. I am an adult-child of a recovering alcoholic that never really addressed the affects of growing up with a mother who was in my life but emotionally absent for most of my childhood and teen years. Now to watch the person who was closest to me during those years suffer so painfully breaks my heart. I know in my heart she is dying, her liver is terribly scarred and the ascites keeps returning. I love her like she's my family and need to acknowledge the best of our relationship during this awful time.
I will look into attending a beginners meeting and try to work through these feelings.
Sounds like a great idea to me and I bought the book "The 12 steps for Adult Children" by Friends in Recovery recently for under $9 on Amazon and it has been a great find. Glad you are taking care of yourself!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Your opening post could have been written about my mother. She too refused to see a doctor for decades in her younger years -- she was afraid to be told to stop drinking. She was eventually hospitalized a few times as a result of drinking and had to accept some medical care.
Her liver was slowly failing, then she developed esophageal varices that ruptured and she was vomiting blood for a few days. Again, scared to go to the doctor. Finally she was so weak that my father had her taken to hospital by ambulance. She had to get transfusions right in ER, and got admitted to ICU. Later they drew off 6 litres of fluid from her abdomen so she could breathe more comfortably. Unfortunately she was just too weak by this time, and her liver was too damaged. She passed away about 3 weeks later.
There was definitely a lot of stuff for me from growing up with an alcoholic mother (and father) but I chose to put it aside and concentrate on making her last days as cheerful and happy as possible. At times she was very unstable mentally when toxins built up in her brain because the liver was no longer processing them properly and I just had to try my best to ignore the irrational delusional stuff to keep things pleasant.
I'm sorry you have to watch your friend go through this. Al-Anon can help.
-- Edited by ythannah on Thursday 19th of May 2011 01:23:35 PM
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
For me From Survival to Recovery is a powerful Alanon book that specifically addresses growing up in an Alcoholic home. It is an amazing book to me as I am an adult child of an alcoholic parent.
My heart is broken to hear of your friends condition. I pray that you consider going to a newcomer meeting in Alanon. The program saved my life.
