Sad today - Al-Anon Family Group

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Sad today

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{{{{{{{{{{YMF}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I feel the sadness in your post. It is a rough road getting started. Something that has always helped me was to say the first three steps in short form: "I Can't" = Step 1 "He Can" = Step 2 "I'll think I'll Let Him" = Step 3. Saying that over and over in my mind really helped me. Another tool was saying the serenity prayer over and over. Even just one line of the prayer helped.

We are here for you to give you love, support and understanding. I hope you are able to make a meeting tonight. They seem to lighten my load.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks TommyE....I am going to start saying that now...anything to hang on for just a little longer :)

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

((((YouFoundMe))) When my AH was at his worst, I had to totally detach. I don't know how I did it, but I went into survival mode. I had to treat him like a roommate/acquaintance and not my spouse. I talked to him and treated him with compassion, but I had to stop it from ripping me totally apart. The Courage to Change and other Alanon literature really helped. It seemed like whenever things were at their worst, those books would give me a sense of calm. I also used the back of the books to find pages on detaching, etc... I have to say, this program works, if you work it. The longer you practice, the easier it gets. I wish you peace YouFoundMe...

-- Edited by Sweet Stanley on Wednesday 18th of May 2011 09:17:25 AM

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Sweet Stanley...I needed that... I need to go get those books I guess. I don't have them. Can't read them online, I found the AA big book online, but nothing from alanon online... Will look to purchase them soon.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree it's pointless to argue with someone while they are drunk, but on the other hand, the goal is not to ignore his drinking, blacking out, being a bad influence on your son, and failing to be a good partner for you right? Why are you beating yourself up for reasonable expectations?

It sounds like you are feeling all the guilt and sadness for the both of you. Doesn't sound like he's feeling sad and he's the one messing up. I do hope you find peace and serenity. I just hope you remember that detach doesn't mean for you to settle for less than you deserve. I think detach means just to know you didn't cause the drinking, can't control it, can't cure it and to focus more on yourself. You are still focusing all you mental energy on him by feeling all guilty for something you did that probably wasn't productive, but it wasn't wrong of you persay.

You sound like a very strong woman to even be living in this situation and taking care of the whole house. I do really respect that.

This is all just my opinion and you can take it for whatever it's worth.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Pink Chip, I appreciate your words. He did apologize this morning for getting drunk, and I know that it doesn't mean anything without action, so I take it for what its worth... I always feel all the guilt for the whole world, which is why I am here. That is another story though. I realize I am focusing on him, but I don't know how to NOT focus on him. That is my disease, my people addiction. Thank you for your respect. This is a tough road. I am not ready for any major change, and I know that when I can get a sponsor I will begin my journey. Tonight is a meeting at 7pm. I am going. Thanks again!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I clearly have the fix it and take it upon myself problem too as my gut reaction to hearing shares like yours is to want to rescue you from it. You have your path to follow and it does sound like you are doing well... Admitting codependency is good, but I wouldn't put yourself in the same range of being an addict as your boyfriend.

member922 · Senior Member

(((((youfoundme)))))

I don't know too many things, but I think that what you did was normal. Plus that fact that you are trying your butt off. It is so hard to be around people like that and NOT react. It took me awhile to be able to do that, and I still had some slip ups.

I'm very glad that you are getting to a meeting tonight. I think it will be helpful.

I got my couple of books on ebay or half.com. I don't believe in buying new things too much anymore lol.

Hang in there and make sure to tell us about the meeting.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Pink Chip and Member...Pink Chip, I say I am a people addict, because I use people to not have to feel my pain, just as the addict uses drugs. I am codependent. Thats for sure...

Member: I just ordered from amazon The Courage to Change and One Day at a time in Alanon used, very good prices. No, I can't afford new... So I am trying and I am learning. Thanks :)

-- Edited by youfoundme on Wednesday 18th of May 2011 11:54:36 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Boy, I can identify. I needled my A about a thousand times, I think. It would be abnormal not to feel angry and sad when you see someone persisting in his addiction, caught up in the insanity, unable to be present for his family. Who wouldn't feel angry and sad? Probably only someone who's numbing himself with alcohol or drugs.

What helped me resist the temptation to snipe at him uselessly was turning my anger around. I thought, "He's wiped out his own day, I'll be d***ed if he'll drag my day down with it." I got angry at the disease. It seemed to me that if I got sucked into the bad mood too, the disease wins. That helps me look at it from a distance. "There's the disease down there, he's caught in it. I'm going to make my day a good day, not a disease day."

It sure is hard. Hugs.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Mattie. I am making today different. So far, I have decided for me to call an old friend whom I trust with everything and reaching out to her made me feel better. And I have that meeting tonight that I am looking forward to. I am going to go no matter if he drinks or not. I cannot sit and stew anymore...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Please don't be hard on yourself. When we learn the skills thru Al Anon it takes awhile to really sink in. Plus there are so many other things to learn also.

Most people do go on the defensive when treated rudely! But we learn that does not work, so we learn and put into play a different way of handling it.

You are progressing becuz you realized what you did. Inside I would say its a disease talking so who cares what he says. I was never one to yell or get into conflice. I would immediately say HEY! thats abuse!

I was NOT into it. But as time went on I had had it. This was before Al Anon. So I sorta thru a glass of tea once and some salsa another. I did not engage yelling or arguing. He never made sense anyway He did not like my come backs of; ok there is the door, you might be right, wow I wouldn't make that decision, I have always told you to leave if you did not love me on and on.

then I learned to leave the room, not get mad, go read, etc.

BUT it takes time hon!

I learned his drinking, his disease is his own business not mine. If he drinks he does. Not my problem.Of course he drinks, he is an A.If nothing we say or do can make them drink or not drink why bother saying anything?

Again it is not personal at all.he does not do it to hurt you or anyone. He is very sick.

My phylosophy is I either accept people as is or I will not be around them. It is not fair to them for me to judge or take their inventory. What they do is none of my business.

Sending you lots of love and hugs,debilyn

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending love and support your way! Life will give you the occasional kick in the shorts, so you don't have to, is something a wise person told me once, I think it applies here. Hand over the guilt if you can and keep up the good work!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.