The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I have been working really hard on my own, since I've only gotten to one meeting, I didn't get a sponsor yet. This board has helped and listening to other posts about how to handle things in the mean time until I get a sponsor. Anyway, a few days ago my bf drank, and I didn't react. Things remained calm (as did I). We woke up happy and had a good night Friday and Saturday night, because I knew that he was going to drink or not and I didn't have to let it drag me in. Sunday was a good day, no liquor stores are open here that day, which means no drinking (he doesn't go to bars). We had a good weekend all in all. Yesterday he drank. He got into a black out which he tends to do more and more now. Everything was good and I kept to my side of the street. I was putting my son to bed when he started asking me to take him to the store (to get more booze). I told him "no, not right now" and kept doing my thing. I worked really hard to stay on my side of the street. He did ask for the keys, but I had hidden them, its my car, and he has no license. Anyway, eventually it became too late to go to the store and he went to bed, mad, but went to bed. The kids were in bed at this point and he said some ugly words under his breath, and I kept telling myself that it was the disease not him speaking. In the middle of the night, when the black out had broken, I asked him if he had had fun. I know I shouldn't have said that, and he said "no" and then I stopped talking because I knew if I did, it would just make things worse. This morning I told him some of the stuff he did and said, and he said he was sorry. And I know rubbing it in doesn't help, for some reason I couldn't keep my mouth shut....
I am living with an active alcoholic and I am looking for E S & H on doing that. I am hoping to get to a meeting tonight. Its a step meeting, but I think I should just go. I hope that I can go... I know when I can find a sponsor who has been through living with an active addict/alcoholic then I will feel better and begin my step work in ernest.
Thanks for reading... I ask for peace today...:)
-- Edited by youfoundme on Tuesday 17th of May 2011 01:28:25 PM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
step mtgs are great- that is how u see and hear how to work the program - in the rooms. No one will or can do this work for you - if you want to earnestly change, then begin right now. Only you can make this happen, surrender and try for you now. Take a stand for you, for your own thoughts and feelings and life. No one cares, if you dont. You are your own job, ur own responsibility. You also have kids to role model healthy behavior for and they deserve one sane parent, so work a solid program for them too! It ends up creating more opportunities for healthier choices for everyone.
To speak on you questioning or monitoring ur AH -and- you already did identify that it made you feel worse. Tapping into those feelings of self pity and manipulation (bc of our emotional enmeshment with them) will always strengthen and feed our collective disease. Waiting around for them to change, expecting things of others - pushing off blame about ourselves and taking on the over responsibility for their junk (issues, behavior, thoughts, attitudes, feelings, whims) and then us feeling "bad" for it. This is the manipulative dynamic of an addicted/dysfunctional family.
So to support you here, I would say that yes, great you did handle it well by not getting involved emotionally and by removing the keys and ignoring/deatching the best you could. I would guess that you sort of listened to what he said under his breath to you and (perhaps) maybe you believed it. Our self doubt and lack of emotional boundaires allows others to get into our heads and steal our self esteem. I would wager, this is why in the morning you created a fight - bc u wanted acknowledgement to be told you are worth more. This is why we tell them every rotten thing they did and this is why we both feel worse after (bc of the emotional enmeshment itself).
You can feel good about your own actions and you can feel your own self esteem and self respect, when you operate with actions that allow you to feel those feelings. It comes from inside of us. How we feel and what we think is in our control and if we dont like it, we can change it.
We dont need to be validated by our partner or another adult. We can validate our self and feel good about it, but only if you believe that is the truth about yourself. So I am suggesting that you believed what he said that was unkind. You have to ditch the idea that you are worth less and believe in your own value. Take actions that allow you to feel good about them and that offer you resepct and dignity so it can grow.
Alanon begins and ends with you, it is all about you. Your program is entirely in your control. I hope you work that miracle for yourself and reach for the serenity and peace you deserve bc it is not only possible, it is obtainable! Keep coming back and working it for YOU, you're worth it and so much more!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think you are doing a great job. I also believe that any meeting is good. No matter the subject, I always walk out of there having learned something new. I hope you can make the meeting and let us know how it goes. Peace to you my friend, today and every day.
Thank you Kitty. I was just reading some back posts about living with an active alcoholic and finding happiness. I am hearing that what people do to be happy no matter if they drink or not is to get busy. Getting busy and doing stuff for me will help. It is hard when its bed time and he is asking for a ride or the keys to the car, but I know how to keep calm now so that he doesn't get mad. And you are right, I was looking for an apology this morning and I was looking for love and to be told I was worth more than the alcohol to him. So saying stuff in the morning doesn't help at all. If I keep doing the same stuff, I am going to keep getting the same stuff.... Thanks ;)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Just wanted to add that I Think you are Doing Quite Well, I was raised by an Alcoholic, and Lived with several over the years, I am NO Expert but I Do Very Much Understand your Urges to Lash back... Its Normal, it is for me a defense, but in the end I usually realize that Argueing with an Alcoholic is not Only a Waist of time, but it is like Screaming at a Mute... They Can't Hear Me when they are in their Bottle, they can say mean things, and do mean things, but they are "Really" not in their right mind, so for me... The Program has Taught me Many things, (1) Being, When to SHUT UP another, When to Mind My Own Business, & When to know how to Exit... Its Ok for me to Walk out of a room when I have Heard or had Enough... Before I Would sit thru the Rage, Now I let them Own it, and I Leave the Room...
Good For you For Not Giving an Unlicensed Person your Vehicle.. Good for You for Not enabling him for a ride to the store... Good for you for Not Getting Angry, and Giving in to his Disease/Black out... You have show Great Courage in what You did, and YES... If there is a Meeting & you can get there... Do So... I was told to go to (6) Meetings before I made up my mind to stay or to leave, and I have to be honest in saying... the 6th one did me in! I Will Remain to Keep Coming back!!! And MIP Was a Huge part of that as well... For it was Here that I got up the Courage to Go ;0)
I too am an Alcoholic, so it is in My Blood, Currently I have not had a Drink since Last Oct. But everyday I talk myself out of it... I know first hand what it is like to experience a "Black Out" I have had more then one should in a life time, and many times was surprised to wake up the next day! Many tell me that they had know clue I even had one, because I Carry on Complete Conversations, and then the next day didn't even remember "Seeing" that Person Let alone that we talked for an Hour!!! but ... Also... I Can Say that Many Know how to Manipulate that "Black out" to their advantage also... I Can say for me, I didn't mind the Black outs... it was the Story's I Heard there after, that I Couldn't even Defend myself in, because I had no Rememberance of it at all... Or, I would see Pieces, but Never the Hole thing....
I Can only Live One Day At a Time, and the More I Practice the Steps (Either with or Without) a Sponser, the Better Person I See me Becoming... I had not had a Sponser for over a year when I got in the program, but I kept showing up, and getting the support here, to help me grow till I found the Nerve to ask someone in my F2F... I can't say that I call on her as Much as I Should, but I Do Now Very Much Love the "Sponsers" I Now have, because My Selfish thinking didn't think One was Enough for all my baggage, but now I Use the Program, Instead of Allowing Others to Use Me!
You are Showing Great Courage, Keep Coming Back... I'm Glad your Here... And Just for the Record!!! YOU ARE "VERY" WORTH IT....
Take what you like and leave the rest Friends in Recovery... One Day at a Time
I just wanted to echo what others have said. You did a great job last night holding on to your keys and putting your little one to bed. Serenity isn't freedom from the storm, but peace amid it. You remained peaceful despite your bf's efforts to rock your boat. That is good stuff.
Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet:
This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.
You were acting in your own best interest and I think that is amazing for a newcomer. I hope you make it to a meeting tonight because you have a powerful experience to share with the group. Pass it on Girl, Pass it ON!
