The material presented
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I am really having a hard time with something. I am not really sure how to explain but here goes. My husband has been pot free for just over a year. He has not worked since my daughter was born in late 2006. He started school before he went to rehab but had to drop his classes while in rehab. The past year he has been a stay at home dad. We have a four year old. He did re-enroll in school and will start taking classes in a month or so for summer quarter. I really want him to get a job and my daughter to go back to daycare fulltime. When he was in rehab, he said he was going to get a job when he got out, which he says he tried but there were no jobs available at the time. I have been taking care of this family financially for the past 4 years. I am done. Is it too much to ask for him to get a job, and go to school? At first I was just happy he was not doing drugs, but it is really bothering me now. Is it being controlling to tell him he has to work and go to school? I want to tell him that I am done explaining why I want my daughter around other children and in daycare/preschool and I am making this decision whether he likes it or not....but fear I am making these decisions like he is my child or something. I want an animal for my kids too, and he doesn't...I guess I am just not sure if I should be making these decisions on my own as we are married. I try not to tell him what he should do...and wondering if I am crossing that line here.
Thanks for any ES&H :)
My father used to tell a favorite story about two brothers years ago cutting timber on a hot summer day using a cross-cut saw. A cross-cut saw is a long 6 foot saw that requires two people both pushing and pulling back and forth together until the tree is ready to fall. These two brothers had been cutting from dawn to almost sundown non stop. One brother stopped wiped the sweat from his brow, looked at the other brother and said.....Ummm somebody ain't doing his part.
Maybe in your situation it's not a matter of controlling or shoulding, but more the feeling of doing more than your fair share. That's your call, for you to decide.
Thank you RLC. I like your story. I do agree that we both need to do our fair share, I just don't want his share to be the stay at home dad anymore. He cleans, cooks, and takes care of my daughter. I just don't want him doing it anymore. I would rather do all that and work fulltime and have him work and go to school. I have resentments that I have been supporting him for so long.
I really appreciate u taking the time to post.
I have been sitting on this decision for a very long time...gonna sit a little more, read more an go to a few more meetings
Dragonfly...Aloha and just have to ask are you attending face to face Al-Anon meetings and do you have a sponsor? That won't make him get a job however it will make "your part" in the situation much more relaxing and acceptable. Maybe the resentments you harbor are old and being stacked?...back from the drinking using days and not handled while being attatched to the newer stuff...not working, not going to school, not doing "it" as you would like him to "do it". You might not be controlling him however the situation might be controlling your. I "should" whenever I start comparing other people, places, things and events against my value system. When I do that it's because I want life to come out MY way and truth is if it even came close it would not be enough because I would still be controlled from outside myself. Danged if I do and danged if I don't. You might not want to do this however if you want to bleed off some of the pressure ... do some gratitudes inventorying and when some of those come up because of him...go say thank you and tag the thank you with how you've been feeling so concerned honestly...then listen.
In support. (((((hugs)))))
I love the sign on cause them dragonflys are some of my most favorite buuuuggggs.
I don't have direct experience with what you shared. However, I wanted to continue to encourage you as many others have to keep coming back and sharing. Face to face Alanon meetings are a great place. If you have not been, consider going.
I am not sure if he is working a program in NA or AA, or if you are going to alanon, but I can say for me, that being in the meetings helps me see things differently. I get a new perspective. I need to be there and I have a hard time getting there due to my schedule, so its imperative that I go when I can. When someone is doing something I don't like, its something to do with expectations that I have placed on them. They don't do what I expect, so then I get resentful. It may be something where you could sit down with him and have a discussion, like "I believe its time for our daughter to experience preschool, and I am going to look into that for her, for her to make new friends and have that time to play." I am not trying to give you advice here, its just in my experience, when I talk with someone about how I am feeling and make "I statements" it goes over better. It may be something you think on and talk with someone in alanon about, how to say things better and most efficiantly...take what you like... :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I can relate because mine was out of work for almost two years and I did all the working, plus the housekeeping and such. It begins to feel like you don't have a husband, who is a helpmate, partner - it feels like you have a teenage son who sits around watching tv while you drag in exhausted from the day's work and still have to make dinner because the tv was more important, or he never thought to make it himself, or its women's work.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Everyone has had such good responses. I have never been faced with that specific problem because my hubby is a workaholic, but he also had cancer a couple of years ago and had to quit doing everything when he was in treatment, just to be able to live. So he hasn't gotten back to working for a paycheck. He does do volunteer work at Gilda's Club and at the Alano Club. It is a hard thing to talk about, to tell him that he isn't living up to your expectation. But then, you have things that you want for your daughter. You have the right to decide that she should be around kids her own age. And then when he is home alone all day and doesn't have childcare to fall back on, then what? Will he still feel right about being home? If he wants to talk about it remember to make all your statements "I think....", "I want.....", I believe....", "I know...." . Give him the respect of an adult even though he is still being a teenager.
Thank you all for the wonderful ES&H! I attended a meeting last saturday. It was the first one in over six months. I was so scared as it was one I had never attended before. I am so happy I did, and plan to as often as I can. I am feeling better today and working on reminding myself how truely blessed I am. I have 2 healthy children, a roof over my head, a job that allows me to take care of my family financially, and now a new al-anon family that I cannot wait to see again this weekend.
I think reading the literature in the morning right when I wake up is something I need to do daily.
He is not working a program. He can do it all by himself :) how many times have we heard that or said that!! I do wonder sometimes if I have too high expectations of him. He is very good about cleaning, cooking and taking care of our daughter. I guess I just really feel she is lacking interaction with other kids and the social skills are not developing. He agrees but does not want to pay for childcare while he is not working. So I say, go find a job. He say he wants to finish school. I say he can do both. He gets frustrated and leaves the room.
Maybe my real issue is the guilt I feel when I do anything or go anywhere away from home and the kids. If I am not home, that means he has them. And he has them all day long. We have no family close by and limited funds for childcare. Now that I write it out, I think this is my issue...the guilt that I feel when I take time for me. He never goes anywhere unless it is with me or the kids.
How much "me" time is appropriate when I work 10 hours a day, 5 days a week? 2 out of those 10 hours are spent in the car.
Keep focusing on what you can do and what you are doing. Keep being grateful and enjoying what you do have and value in your life - manifesting appreciation helps us find our inner joy again.
The fact that your AH is not working a program and choosing to not go anywhere - u cannot have any guilt for what he is or is not doing, that is his choice, dont compare/judge him, that is an inside job just like peace and happiness are. It is up to each one of us to choose what we are going to do. I think "appropriate" amount of time, depends on what is equitable and fair to you. It is important that we evaluate (and continue to keep re-evaluating your own needs, boundaires and the products/outcomes you get) what it is that we are giving and what it is that we are receiving.
Expectations hurt us everytime. There is such a thing as reasonalbe expectations, and those are based on our recent pasts. Future behavior is indicated by recent past behavior. However, when we are attempting to change inside- I know I cant think about anything - I have to completely dump my expectations of me and them and detach from the outcomes. By letting go of all expectations, I can tap into potential possibilities and I can focus on this change or this new thing that I am creating for myself. No one has to agree with me, it is about me. Otherwise, all we do is compare and judge us for what we are not doing or gettting hurt bc it is different from our expectations.
I spent the first 20 yrs defining myself based on what they told me, about me. Now I keep stripping away the aspects of me that I adopted, the beliefs or thoughts that dont support and encourage me today to be the person I now choose to be. I am not my actions and thoughts but if I keep going back to a pattern, I am making that a reality about me now. Is this what I want to show the world or not?
I think an hour of personal time daily is adequate and the minimum. A mom needs to take personal time to be a great functioing mom, just like for your human ness, you need some alone time to have peace of mind. I think taking time and learning how to nurture and love yourself will end up being a great gift to your kids, so do what you need to do, to be able to take the time and space you need to honor you, your HPand your program.
My mom role modeled how to self sacrifice, self compromise and manipulate. All that taught me was to be a giant codie and I am grateful that I can make changes with me and be the person I choose to be now and not a slave to my reactions.
The first year, I had a lot of guilt about doing anything for me, even merely focusing on me brought up the terrible guilt and anxiety. Well, guilt comes after we do something we deem as "wrong." Focusing on me, wasnt wrong, it was my disease talking and trying to compluse me to continue to not focus on me but to put it off onto others, to be that victim again and stay stuck in the disease. As I focus on me and change and resolve my emotions and thoughts - I am conquering the disease. If I focus on others, I lose me and feed the disease. Adults get their own needs met. You do need balance when it comes to your kids, but I have no doubt that you can differentiate what Im saying about that. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. Grow your peace, self esteem, respect and program and that will be something your kids can emulate in healthy way one day in their own lives. Kids need and deserve one sane parent and that will rub off on them, as you learn to find your joy and peace within.
Spiritual growth is a beacon to all. When we gain calm and forgive, understand, resepct and love ourselves, we can more easily show that to others with compassion and awareness in our lives.
andf finally - the word, "should" does create guilt, it sets us up for it by its definition bc it is speaking about the "past". I try not to use the word "should" - I use could, would or ought to instead. When you control yourself and define your boundaries - u know what you cannot tolerate. This program takes brutal honesty with the self, we are to be considerate and kind to others. Get honest about what you need, want and are willing to do to change what you can control. Surrendering is very powerful.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Your follow up post was filled with Gratitude and Hope. I am so glad you made it to the meeting and are enjoying reading the literature in the AM. That is what I do after my morning coffee. It seems to anchor me in my day.
