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Back when I was 23 with a newborn baby, I went to Al-non for the first time. I realized from that one meeting that I was either going to have to accept the fact that my husband at the time was an alcoholic and live with it, or not. Well I decided not. It was not something I could live with as a young wife. So I divorced him but obviously he continued to be an alcoholic and to be my daughter's father. She is now 18 and I have been remarried to my husband and her step father for 12 years. My husband has been her Dad for her whole life. My ex on the other hand has not. It's a disease, I know that. I know he loves Jordan, my daughter to the best of his ability. We've moved on as a family and he's had very little to do with any of our lives until recently.
Let me start by saying, my ex is not an abusive man, he is simply an alcoholic and to the degree where he would have a seizure without a drink. He is/was yellow and a physical mess. He was also not capable of helping with my daughter or being any sort of parent. I have known for a long time his health is bad and I've been afraid for a long time the next news I would hear is that he is dead.
Well I knew him and Jordan were talking, via telephone and it's harmless and not necessarily a bad thing. Then about a month ago, she gets a call from a "friend" of his who informs her he has gone to rehab. Now she's thrilled and she thinks this is the answer to everything. He'll be OK now. He's going to get better. I personally have a helluva time hiding my doubt and quite frankly I'm angry she's been dragged into this and would have preferred him to tell her this AFTER he's been sober a while. He's gotten her all excited, her hopes up and there is no doubt in her mind he's OK.
My attitude about it sucks and I'm not interested in being sucked into this AGAIN. This wouldn't be the first time rehab has been tried but this would be the first time my daughter has gotten sucked into it. She thinks this is it, he'll be fine now. I've had a hard time hiding it and I've advised her to be cautious about getting to excited about this. This is not received well. It's is perceived as me being negative. I just don't want her to get hurt. Maybe I've sheltered her from it to much.
She needs help or advice and I guess it can't be from me. I need to be there for her but I'm at a loss. I don't know where to begin. He's out of rehab as of a day or two ago. She informed me of this to which I said good I'm glad for him but I know is a touchy situation. I haven't spoken to him at all. I am sure he has good intentions but we all know that's not enough.
Do I go to a meeting myself for a while? Try to get her to go with me, encourage her to go on her own?
Thanks for anything or any feedback I feel pretty bad about this.
Hi, and welcome.... yes, yes, yes - you need a meeting!!!
In my humble opinion, it is not your place to decide whether or not your daughter chooses to get excited about her biological's father choosing to go to rehab or not.... Perhaps moreso at 7, but certainly not at 18..... You can't come off as anything except the "bad guy" on this one....
Try letting go, and allowing her and your ex to work out their relationship, as it truly is theirs to work out....
Diving into your program of recovery is an awesome idea, at any time of your recovery.....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha PVC...Wow after 12 years (albeit with out Al-Anon) the anger and fear remain. I'd suggest you stay with the program. Alcoholism is progressive on both sides of the table...it sickens everyone it comes into contact with and without treatment it will and does get worse. From my experience what might help your daughter most is "grouping" with other teens of alcoholism such as Alateen. That is where I have watched teen family members grow like crazy and recover quickly.
Daughter has been loving and focusing on her Dad...the one from inside of her loving imagination the one she wants to see in shining armour for real and he has given her hope hope...It's true that no one loves like a kid...awesome and Alateens and the kids I use to counsel taught me how to do that again.
Sounds like PVC is hooked by the "fear" of it all. I hate that emotion. I lived with it most of my life even now when I fully realize that it is based upon "False Evidence Appearing Real"...my head builds the pictures and does the sound tracks and writes the scripts and then tries to convince me that "it" and every other thing connnected to "it" is real and going to come to pass. I fired my fortune teller, stopped projecting, and got humble. Best place for me to get and learn and keep that is inside the rooms of the AFG.
Keep coming back...there is great support and recovery here. ((((hugs))))
I'm just afraid at this point she has no idea what she's getting into. She's never had to see it or deal with it. I don't want it to screw her up as an adult and I'm not sure how to explain why it makes me angry. But you are right maybe there is nothing I can do to help it. I just feel like it's my responsibility to protect her from this.
If you can get your daughter to go to a meeting it couldn't hurt, maybe she would be comforted knowing that she has support if things don't turn out well. At this point you can't dampen your daughter's expectations, you can only show her there is support for her, whatever happens.
Personally I hope my wife is in recovery for ever. Even if I had guarantee of this I would still be going to meetings and working the program. Regardless of how well my wife is doing, I have my own issues to work on.
An absentee parent can have a profound affect on a child. Just because your daughter has a healthier father figure then her biological dad does not mean that her relationship with her biological dad does not have an influence on her.
It really doesn't ever end 12 years or not. The fear I feel for her now feeling the way I did wanting him to get better, for himself, for her and for me is right back front and center.
My husband is the best and she loves him but her Dad is her Dad. I know that. I can't even tell you all the harm he's done, I'm sure that's not lost on anyone here nor do I even have to start a list. I do fear the day that his sober voice reverts back to a drunk one and I fear the possibility of the day she realizes that and recognizes the change.
I'm angry he's dragged her in and I feel like it's really selfish as usual. Yes I think it's me that needs the help as it's me she thinks is the selfish one.
Your situation reminds me of a woman's in one of the groups I attend. In short, as this woman is learning to take care of herself through the program, her teenage daughter benefits too. This woman often comments that her daughter thanks her for teaching her how to navigate life as a daughter of a man that abuses alcohol.
So going to meetings to take care of you, will likely benefit your daughter and all those you come in contact.
No, time does not heal wounds caused by alchoholism. My opinion.
Glad you joined us!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Better she learn about the disease and it's dangers this way than from her own husband or her being alcoholic herself. I don't blame you for wanting to protect her. It's your instinct as a mother but at 18, it's her lesson to learn.
PVC, you have received some great responses. I would like to welcome you to the forum and encourage you to continue to post here. Thank you for sharing. Please keep coming back.
My children are from my first wife...an addict. The marriage lasted 9 years and the war sputtered on for another 9 or so I imagine. I was in Al-Anon because I had gotten into 2 other relationships...one with a raging alcoholic and married the next one a fully practicing alcoholic/addict. When I do things I do them in GRAND style. However thank God for Al-Anon because I learned to protect my children from me and my attitudes and judgments and resentments and all of the "she dids" (their mother) I carried with me where ever I went. I didn't get back the same respect and treatment and then that was taken care of by my membership in the Family Groups and the steps, traditions, concepts, sponsorship and commitment to changing the thing I could...me! To sum it up today...they are doing the best they can with what they have. It's okay. (((((hugs)))))
Mother Teresa put out a book "Love Anyway" which was an inspirational mentoring writing for me. Look it up.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 16th of May 2011 11:23:23 PM
