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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Putting away my microscope
Post Info TOPIC: Putting away my microscope
White Rabbit


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Putting away my microscope
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I like the reading in One Day at a Time from yesterday.  Part of it says:

'"The hardest thing for me to learn,' said a member at an Al-Anon meeting, 'is to stop imagining that I can figure out why my husband acts the way he does.  Automatically almost, I jump to conclusions about his activities and his motives.  I know in my heart that I can't read his mind, and that anything I attribute to him is probably all wrong.  Even his worst moments - the times when I'm exasperated to the point of fury - may just be his unhappiest.  How do I know?  Why do I judge?  Nobody but God understands what goes on inside another human being.  Let's not try to play God - or even psychiatrist! - to our troubled mates.  Let's not examine them as we would a bug under a microscope.  I always want to remember that every human being must be respected for his own individuality, no matter how battered it appears at times.'"

I did a LOT of theorizing about why my AH acted any particular way before I got here.  Anytime he did anything, I spent hours analyzing every detail, talking about it ad nauseum with whoever would listen, and speculating about how he felt. 

When I first got a sponsor and would theorize to her about why my AH would do something, she'd shut me down at the pass and tell me to put away my microscope and get out my mirror.  For the longest time I didn't know what that meant (and I was irritated that she didn't want to hear all the details about everything my AH did or said).  I understand now, though - and when I start to speculate about someone else's actions or motives, I know I need to start looking at why I do what  I do instead.

This happened this morning on the way to work.  I was in the right lane at a 2-lane right turn.  The truck on the left side of me was so tall that I couldn't see over it to see if there were any cars coming.  I didn't want to turn without looking, so I decided to sit there until the truck moved and I had visibility.  The lady behind me didn't agree, and started honking and waving her hands at me.  I yelled at her that I couldn't see (because she could hear me and would understand, right?  haha), but found myself irritated about it all the way to work.  I started speculating about why she'd acted that way - and then caught myself.  Better to worry about why I took it so personally, I think.  :)



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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
hotrod


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Hi White rabbit

I loved your share. My sponsor always said" Figuring it out" is not an alanon slogan or tool.  It is simply a way to distract from your behavior and create an illlusion of knowing and control.  

I thought if I figured out why someone did somethnig I could then know how to make them stop    smile  Old pre alanon tools that did not work and need to be discarded

Thanks for the reminder



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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GailMichelle


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White Rabbit: very important post. I hope all read it and reflect.

Hot Rod: I appreciate what your sponsor shared with you. Thanks for sharing it with us.

"It is simply a way to distract from your behavior and create an illusion of knowing and control."

I knew my "figuring it out" at times was a strategy I used to distract myself from my own life, but I never thought about what illusion it created for me. That will be helpful when I need to redirect my thoughts.

Thank you both!

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


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ok Wow moment! Good for you. lol I learned to smile and wave at jerky drivers who got mad..hahaha

I too used to take things personal. LOVED your share, I will remember that.

It has been soooo nice to not hurt over peoples harsh words.

I still get "I did not know you could bring dogs in a store!" They don't say it to me, they say it at me to someone else. I always turn around and say,"he is a service dog. He alerts me to my bp going up, and my temp. rises." By law he can go wherever I do.

there was a time i would have never took him with me again. Just pass out on the floor and lose my well uno.

NO more. if someone harrasses me, like the owner of a store, I try to talk to them, if they are still rude, I file against them.

Same as A or anyone ,what they do, I will never know why, and frankly I am sure they don't know either.

NO use trying to figure anyone out.

huggen ya,debilyn



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Gailey


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I, too, loved this share.

Sometimes I wish we had a "LIKE" button to push. I keep looking for one with these kinds of posts.

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Gail
youfoundme


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I wish we had a like button too ...but thats for facebook I suppose. Anyway, I am learning to not be judgemental. Who am I to judge what others do. I am really good at doing everyone else's inventories, and so I am now learning I need to do my own. There was a time I thought "well gee, HE is the addict, not me" and now I know, how very judgemental that is. I have spent many, many years looking at others and saying similar things. Now I know, I belong in Alanon and have addict tendencies as well. I am addicted to people, one person in particular. I think of him all the time. So I too need to look in the mirror and stop putting his behavior under the microscope. Thanks for this!

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member922


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Thanks for the post. I am trying to wean myself out of the guessing game. I always try to explain my own reasoning for doing things, to people who can "hear" me and if I feel I need to make myself clear. My person can't seem to get his story straight. I am done trying to make sense of it.

Wonderful realization and great progress. Keep up the good work.

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flopadopilus


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I very much needed to read this today! I just keep taking steps back and distracting myself and I haven't been to a meeting lately, hmmmm. Thanks for the reminder.

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To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

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maryjane


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And I had to "forget" how to count. And sometimes I had to lose my eyesight. And sometimes I had to be deaf. I simply had to learn to let it all go. It was going to be what it was going to be, and there was nothing I could do except waste my time hitting my head against that brick wall....and being in pain. I didn't like living like that.

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maryjane
tommyecat


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What a good reminder. Thanks for sharing that.

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