I need help - Al-Anon Family Group

poohead · Newbie

I need help

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's going to take more than one meeting...it's also going to take getting those feelings out via sharing at the meeting. You are not alone in all this and people here and at alanon meetings are not going to throw you out for venting, screaming, crying....whatever it takes for you to heal. You can give yourself permission to be angry. You've been the one holding it all together up til now.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome to MIP it sounds like you are in the right place. Keep coming back here and to Al-anon face to face meetings and share your feelings, you will find many can relate. It took me awhile to get through the anger when I first started attending. I am glad you made it here!

suave75 · Veteran Member

Hi

My fiance is the alcoholic/ addict. He has 4 months clean and sober. I often feel angry and frustrated. I go to Alanon meetings at aleast twice a week. You should keep going. Try different meetings. I also journal a alot. It helps get the anger and frustration out. I also purchased some conference approved literature to read.

We have been through a a lot with our alcoholic. As they get sober we have to try to take care of ourselves too. Try not to be hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time.

You can share on here to a peope will respond. Take care.

-- Edited by suave75 on Sunday 15th of May 2011 02:56:16 PM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I became a sick person and I knew it. I was sick with anger, frustration, and worry. I had no joy in life. I lived in fear, a self imposed prison. I grew up in an alcoholic home where dad was the drinker and mom would fly off the handle at any given moment. That is what was mirrored to me as a child and I too became an abuser in an alcoholic family. Through harmful words that cut like knives I screamed at my husband and children with a rage that seemed so deep within me. I did not like who I was and I knew I needed help.

Alanon helped me to discover this is a FAMILY disease. I wanted more than anything to not become my mother. I was willing to do what was asked of me so that I could change. Today, there is courtesy, kindness, love, and respect in my family as a result of the program. I have an opportunity to change who I am. That is the only thing I can change. I stay in meetings because I know if I don't I slip right back into the person I used to be.

AA has a saying, Slippery Soles need Sober Shoes. I needed the same shoes to maintain an emotional sobriety one day at a time. My program only has a 24 hour shelf life. I have to meet the God of my understanding on my knees and invite him into my life every day so I can have a shot at serenity and peace.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Nel (Poohead doesn't sound to great from me...sorry) and welcome to the board from the Pacific. Your vent reminded me of an excerpt from the definition of alcoholism which we use to read at every meeting when I got into Al-Anon in CenVal, CA. "...We become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality." You feel sick, act sick, sound sick and look sick...that's normal for the spouse of an alcoholic. I remember being that sick myself and it is what keeps me coming back. If you heard the steps in that meeting that you went to you might remember that the second step says, "Came to believe that a power GREATER THAT OURSELVES, could lead us to SANITY." You will start to be lead back into sanity when you continue to attend the program, as often as you can in the next 90 days, sit down, listen, learn and then practice what the sane members are practicing. Simple program. You don't HAVE TO be where you are at right now you can stay sick and crazy if you want though that doesn't sound like what you want. You can make choices to get help and healing for yourself and I know for a fact that Souther California is one of the tap roots for the Al-Anon Program in you state. Some of the early founders of our program came from SoCal and I've had the pleasure of meeting and learning from them along my own journey. Soooo...help. Go duplicate you first meeting and the next time leave your problems at the door before going in. If you want when you leave you can pick them up again and take them with you...Some old SoCal suggestions and then it is a choice.

I'm glad you made the choice to connect up with MIP and hope you keep coming back here because you can always be hooked up to recovery by doing that. There are opposites to learn in the program for Anger...Rage...Resentments...and much more. You gotta get there and of course get as much literature as you can also...read it all. In love and support (((((hugs))))) smile

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

You are in the right place, keep coming back and learning. Alanon has helped me and I have only been to one alanon meeting and one open AA meeting. There is hope. I too became an angry and sick person. I am learning that I don't have to try to control everything and it makes me relax. I am talking to HP and asking for help each day, every minute if I need it. Take care and keep coming back! it works when we work it :)

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to alanon! I too did not like the bitter pill I had to swallow when I heard that I had to change if I wanted to feel better. The truth was that I did not like how I felt and I did not like or understand my reactions and nothing I did was allowing anything to get any better. Learning to accept and feel your own feelings and to realize what we can change and control and affect ~ helped to alter my entire life.

I was enraged too and had been for many years. You say you are focusing on the what if's and when - when and what if he goes off the wagon again? How will that run my life? You are projecting into the future and that will always bring you feelings of anxiety (fear) and that out of control feeling again. When you focus on the future, think about what you want to happen and then quickly bring yourself back to right now, right now what can I do to change or control how I am feeling or thinking? We cannot control another adult and they will do what they will do. We can however control/change us and we do have many choices, many more than we may realize when we first land here.

When we focus on another person, we lose us and feed the disease. This one sentence helped me to understand that I can only empower myself and I cannot save another adult. I was raised in an addicted family, Im an ACoA (adult child of an alcoholic/addict) and I am here to tell you, ur kids only want for you to be happy, peaceful and sane. Taking out your anger on your kids is not fair to them and it is how we pass on our disease to them. Learn all you can about how to stop enabling and how to get your own life back and empower yourself with daily changes. The emotional damages we do can last a life time to our kids, please learn to resolve your feelings and discover who you are in recovery from rescuing another person. We get addicted to people, they get addicted to substances. The effects on the family are life long and progressive, so the sooner you learn to detach with love from ur AH's issues and disease and change what you can about your own behavior. Our dynamic is a manipualtive one. You can learn to take your own healthy actions without blaming yourself for his choices. It takes time to learn how to not be emotionally enmeshed. I took the A's actions personally, that was part of my disease & issues. Focus on YOU and what you can change and control.

When I heard this initially, I thought it was lame and too simple to even work. Try it and prove me wrong. I got dared to work my program and I was very committed to proving how it would not work for me and I was wrong. When I applied the info and techniques, I found that my life did improve and working with a positive and constructive purpose to changing myself, was far more rewarding then lecturing them. You know, the A's resent our advice and we resent them for not doing what we suggest. Learn to take the validation out of the love, in other words... agree to disagree and allow them to face their own consequences with resepct and dignity. Love does not mean we have to agree with and validate each other's life choices. Resepct can be a fantastic boundary. Focus on YOu and your life and change what you dont value and what does not support you. I had to learn to make me the center of my own life. I would also say to please work it for your kids, they are great incentive and they are sucking up your behavior like a sponge. Kids deserve one sane parent. Learn to be calmer and how to enJOY your life. Focusing on the A's problems makes them bigger, focus on what you do want to manifest. I hope u keep coming back and find your own miracle... when we do, it can help others, we do role model our whole lives for each other and esepcially for our kids. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.