Alcoholic Wife Takes My Inventory - Al-Anon Family Group

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

Alcoholic Wife Takes My Inventory

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha SurfingM...Alcohol might just be knocking at her door real hard right now...calling her to come out and play and that is not your cause, control or cure. Stay with the stuff you have learned over the last 18 months because this is also the disease knocking at your door asking if you want to come out an join in. The disease is progressive and if she has been chemical free for just under a year expect things to get rocky. There is a metaphor for passive sobriety (early without much experience) and it is called the "sleeping tiger" when the tiger awakes it stretches and extends it's claws right into the lining of her gut and it will start to roar for a drink.

If your sponsor isn't available call someone in your home group and ask for temporary sponsoring and listen. The ESH that your sponsor gave you is good stuff and you are early into your program also. When I was in your shoes the lack of time and experience allowed me to get "had" easily so detachment and self focus became my behavior. I just knew that I wasn't any super member and therefore infallible and perfect. Talking back to the power of alcoholism for me wasn't a good idea either because as a natural enabler I was listening and watching her body language to see if I could be part of her "calm down"...never happen. When my alcoholic spouse was in the hunt I was number 1 fair game before anyone else. I had to learn how to take myself out of range. I learned how to say some magical stuff like you sound unhappy and I don't feel the cause of it...is your sponsor available and then move myself out of the wrestling ring. Playing with the kids is good stuff cause they always play with your heart rather than trying to cut it out...LOL.

Give your alcoholic "acceptance" body language with empathy (she dealing with a life threatening disease) and compassion (early program ain't easy...both sides...you already know that one) her instructions are for her not you...she's your alcoholic not your sponsor or home group fellow. Get a pair of handcuffs and handcuff your HP to your side...it will keep you from running out of HP's influence.

Good work in program...Keep coming back here for mutual support ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry said it perfectly.

I hope you can tighten up on your own skills and keep finding meetings. Glad you came here.

What you are going thru is not any different than dealing with a using A. I don't know if she is in recovery or not. Just not using is not recovery.

She may be going nuts trying not to use, or maybe she is and feels guilty. Who knows.

Just does not matter. She is an A and part of being with an A is what you are going thru.Sadly there is no cure. Ups downs, roller coaster, dr jekyll and mr hyde, relapse all of it is part of being an A.

We either accept them as is, or we find we just cannot live with them.

Again glad you are here. You sound like you are working a strong program.

Hugs,debilyn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I think that it is the disease's way of saying that "I got you" again. My AHsober is a dry drunk. We don't live together anymore. His choice. The way your AWsober is talking to you reminds me of my husband. He did this all the time. He use to sit with my mother and they would both take my inventory. So we end up believing them. We need to lose the notion that things we do and don't do cause these things to happen. They are powerless and so are we. We need to work our program and let them work there program. We need to stop watching them. You have two children that need a father who is sane if she is not. Yes, it is lonely and we really don't know if there will ever be a relationship. Keep working your program of recovery for you.

In support,
Nancy

linbaba · Veteran Member

I totally relate, I remember when my girlfriend had a year of sobriety and she took my inventory I would get FURIOUS, didn't she know I had been in the program for 15 years, done 7 trips through the steps, and 3 more step seminars with some very reknowned step gurus, I would call my friends and have a good laugh and minimize her feelings and disregard her findings, then I'd take HER inventory because if anyone needed to have their inventory taken it was her.

Finally I stupidly told an old timer about it, because I was right and she was wrong and I wanted validation, he dragged me outside and called me names for a minute and told me I was taking her inventory right then, and taking someone else's inventory was actually the opposite of working my own program. I learned that people hurt us, seemingly without provocation but we invariably made a decision based on self that placed us in a position to be hurt. The spiritual axiom is if I am upset there is something wrong with me.

What that meant for me is I began to see my biggest resentments were from people doing things that are MY job. my girlfriend taking MY inventory??? that's MY job!!! (taking her inventory) somebody being a know it all in a meeting or on a message board??? that's my job!!!!

Even to someone cutting me off in traffic, I only seem to get resentments now for a few reasons, none of them healthy, if I fail to enforce my boundaries, I get a resentment at them, (and blame them for crossing my boundary too, which is ridiculous, boundaries are internal), unreasonable expectations are always guaranteed to give me fits and any expectation that isnt met is unreasonable...because it wasn't met, (see boundaries), and I learned if I wanted to someone to do something for me, it behooved me to do it for them, so I stopped taking my girlfriends inventory and started taking my own again, and the funny thing is, she stopped taking mine, yelling, arguing, break ups and drama turned into laughter, ice cream, smiling and making love, so now I ask myself, if she does something that makes me angry, am I angry because she is doing "my job"? Also I ask myself "what is my goal here? Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"

My girl had a fairly tough....moment last week so instead of "engaging" I gave her a hug and told her I loved her, i was much happier with the result of THAT approach then if I tried to argue.

If I am diligent about working my OWN steps (you've done a thorough 4-12 right? wrote out 4th step etc) you can take my inventory until your blue in the face, it won't bother me, if I haven't been keeping up it bothers the **** out of me

working my OWN program, remembering the spiritual axiom, hugs, ice cream and a lot of "you are beautiful, and I love you very much" keeps the inventories from coming my way any more and if one comes, listening, reflecting, and working on seeing if there is any truth to what she is saying, promptly making amends and more hugs and I love you, hear you, and validate you and it can STILL turn into a positive experience

good luck I know its frustrating and an easy trap, and its the norm for couples in early recovery to take each others inventory, we're like kids with new power tools and so we BOTH use them in ways in which they weren't intended and hurt each other.

I got through it and I'm the emotional equivalent of forest gum, if I can get through it anyone can

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Buckle up , from my experience the first yr birthday is one of the hardest , fear sets in , disease kicks in * taking your inventory etc* your doing the right things walking away dont angage . I lovingly call the first yr stark raving sober my husb was quite frankly nuts , learning to live with out alcohol is difficult. When things calmed down in my house we made a deal , we dont get to take each others inventory period , if something is bothering us we speak up and we listen to each others complaints only one topic at a time . If my husb is jumping around at things i did yrs ago and apologized for and have not repeated it , I know its not about me he is just having a bad day so I learned to walk away -I learned too great argument stoppers in this program , I am sorry you feel that way and walk away or You could be right and walk away , it is important to walk away dont sit and wait for the argument you know is comming . hehe I forgot the hardest one for me to get out was . thanks for pointing that out I will work on it !!!!! trust me that one took awhile . but all work great on stopping an argument . We all know from past experience that trying to reason with someone who has made up thier mind thier right is a total waste of time . Just add another meeting to your week and you will be fine . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 15th of May 2011 01:48:34 AM

linbaba · Veteran Member

oh, one other thing I learned, is I only find recovery by taking my own inventory, the 4th step is me making a searching and fearless inventory of my behaviors, not someone else, 5th step is my wrongs, not someone else's, 10th step is continued to take my inventory, not someone else's, so over the years I learned to be picky about who I take my stuff to, if i take my difficulties to a group of people and they take her inventory sight unseen and don't help me take mine...it's...not...program....it's something else, the truth is me taking someone else's inventory instead of my own is what got me so sick I ended up in Alanon and then Coda(dependents anonymous) in the first place, I truly do understand living with an alcoholic especially one in their first year can be crazy making, hell its one of the biggest thing that got ME here, but for me in order to "recover", or to have recovery, i had to learn to take my own inventory no matter what, even if she was taking my inventory too and finding me lacking, and in order to do that I listened to people that had what I wanted, serenity, peace of mind, and the biggest thing I noticed about them is all their shares and inventories were their own, not someone else's so the truth of the matter is if I bring my stuff to a "program person" and they just pat me on the head, tell me how great I am doing and how messed up ~she~ is and maybe take her inventory too, I smile and say thank you, but then I look for someone that will help me take my inventory, because that is where the solution was for me, but I'm kinda strange that way, I'm like a mule, often times it takes a 2*4 upside my head to get my attention. It took me 3 years to learn to start taking my own inventory instead of my girlfriends after I found Al-anon

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is some anxiety and squirrelyness that approaches a 1 year anniversary. Since she is new in sobriety and still not sure of her feelings and how to best deal with them (although I bet she doesn't know or acknowledge how much she still needs to work on this), she is probably taking all that anxiety out on you. Also, in order for her to stay sober, she is seeing the entire world through an AA bubble...it was not until at about 2 years that I started taking the lessons learned from AA and then applied them to the rest of the world. In essense - I learned how to not drinking in year 1 and started learning how to interact with others better in year 2. Not sure what hope this gives you or what you might do with this info.

Also, angry tantrums are not really Dry Drunk behavior when you consider where she is at in her sobriety. It's more of a passing through a toddler phase of emotional growth. If she keeps working, she's the one that going to be appalled later by how childish she was.

A couple of other AA phrases (though using these might make for a worse argument): "If you spot it, you got it" - this means that whatever she's complaining about or seems to bother her about you, those are the things that she is really having a hard time dealing with in herself. Also - "When you point the finger, you have 3 fingers pointing back at you."

This whole shift in terms of you being in Alanon and her being in AA and finally sober is a HUGE change for both of you. Perhaps marital therapy to have a place to meet and communicate in a healthy, but therapeutic way that is neutral ground?

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't have experience with dealing with first year of sobriety of a spouse but I do have experience of my first year in recovery. It was very similar to what you shared. Here is what I feel about that experience. When my spouse started seeing me get better, they began throwing bombs. Accusing, taking my inventory, arguing, blaming etc perhaps to see if I would react. In the past, I ALWAYS did, in fact I could not help myself. I was practicing different behaviors now and I think it was difficult for him to see me getting well.

In alanon I learned how to listen. I also learned I do not show up to every fight I am invited to. My spouse was throwing bombs, following me into other rooms to make their point. It was difficult but I was able to keep my side of the street clean and remain peaceful as a result of using the tools of the Alanon program. The program works if you work it.

I currently do not have sobriety in my home. The relationship between my spouse and I has completely turned around as a result of working the steps with a sponsor and being active in my alanon program. Our home is nothing like it was before I walked into the rooms of Alanon many years ago. I like yourself have been graced with the gift of separating my spouse from the disease. I am so grateful for that because I am able to see the wonderful, gentle, caring, loving and funny, person I married who just so happens to have the disease of alcoholism. It is this disease that brought me into the rooms of Alanon and I am so grateful for it. I hope that helps. TC

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

Thanks so much for all of your responses. They've helped immensely.

Part of my problem is that around four to eight months of sobriety the marriage was feeling like it used to. My wife was still anxious and hard to difficult but she would always apologize afterwards. I guess I just wasn't expecting it to head south like this as we got closer to a year. My expectation is that more time while we were both in a program would only bring about greater peacefulness within the marriage.

Lately the issue is that she is saying outrageous things to me that she used to say when she was drinking and using. A lot of these things are attacks on my character and honestly really bizarre and often out of nowhere. It brings about instant anxiety and insecurity in me because it is exactly the way she was when she was drinking and using.

The other things i've noticed is that this always happens when something important is coming up. Most recently it was her birthday (yesterday) and mothers' day (last week). Both of these events are supposed to be about her and its as if she is sabotaging them by doing this. It's hard and I just need to not take it personally. I get tired, sad, and lonely.

I really do appreciate the responses you all wrote. Thanks.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

"My expectation"

Ok this is a huge part of the problem. We cannot have any expectations of the A in my experience.

In fact I have no expectations of anyone or anything. I am happy when things go well, accept it if they do not.

We take a day at a time, take things as they come.

I like the I feel thing.

A's cannot take anything that may be stressful good or bad. They especially cannot handle expectations of themself by others. they put enough pressure on themselves.

they don't think like us hon. holidays are the worst on them. Usually they cannot take anything like a job promotion, or getting a great gift, or one year sobriety! They don't feel they measure up, they think they will lose it. some sabotage to lose it, get it over with.

They sure don't feel they deserve us. They try to pull us down so they can say yea you are just like me, nothing special.

When i very first met my husband, on our very first date sooo many years ago like forty, he showed me a different house,not his as he was ashamed. He thought I was so popular and had money. who cares even if I was! I was gaga over him when i was 17!

We have to let them alone. focus away. Ignore the looking at our stuff. did ya read linbaba? I loved what he shared about a guy taking him out and telling him HE was taking hers!

true true! None of their stuff is our business! NONE.

Kahil Gibran always made it clear how we are separte from the ones we love. We as mates are like two pillars but we can hold up one thing. our kids are not our own.

Loving an A is very difficult, very. We cannot take their stuff or we will never make it!

I would call those times of my A being ok gleaning all the good I could. Hon I gleaned it until he went away forever. That about killed me.I LOVED him so much, Al Anon taught me that. To love him and ignore the disease. it is not mine. So I worked hard on that and had him for so much longer!

Sadly he is so brain damaged, I don't even know if he would recognize me.

If you love her, and can do it, we need to really detach, I said you might be right again and again. In a nice voice too. defuse the situation.

yes you have a right to your feelings, um oh really? huh. Just no bad reaction as that is what the disease wants

your sweet wife does not want you to allow her disease to upset you. makes her feel worse.

I know when I had horrible pms I did not want my crazy moods to upset my poor husband.

If you had diabetes you would not want your disease to get ahold of her either.

hope this helps some!

Sometimes all we can do is love them from afar and give them their space.

don't engage.

hugs,debilyn

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

Thank you Debilyn. I guess I'm struggling with not tolerating bad behavior. I guess I'm struggling with defining "not tolerating bad behavior."

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Surfingmaestro, I have not exactly had the problem in the same context that you are experiencing it----but, I sure have had tons of experience with others having temper tantrums or "taking out" their anxieties on me. There is one mental trick that I have used and have found that it often works. It goes like this:

I picture them like a toddler lying on the floor kicking and screaming because they are having intense feelings that they do not have to tools (yet) to communicate those feelings in a more constructive way. This helps take the personal sting out of it for me. With a toddler tantrum, the best thing is to step over them calmly and proceed on your own way. Soon, the tantrum is over because it doesn't get any reinforcement by way of a reaction. In other words, it doesn't work.

Canadianguy (guy on message board) says that he was told to picture a large "S" on their forehead for "sick". Sort of the same thing, I think. It helps to depersonalize it for us.

Maybe this will help.

Sincerely, Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 15th of May 2011 12:47:01 PM

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I think this is pretty common, my ABF does this to me when he is on his lows. I'm now the one with the problems, I'm the alchoholic. At first and even later it can be very frustrating. I started tuning him out and alanon has helped. It's the blame game and they want to take you down with them.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Surfing,

I failed to mention in my previous response that when I keep walking the spiritual walk, and practicing my program my spouse finally made amends to me and continues to do so. I had to keep "Acting As If" and treating this person with kindness, compassion, love, and understanding at every turn even though I didn't feel like doing so. My sponsor told me I don't have to feel it to do it.

Part of taking action for me each morning is when I wake up I make the decision One Day At A Time to be married to this person. Tomorrow I can choose differently. However, if I choose to stay, it is up to me to adjust my attitudes, actions, and inner being. The God of my understanding is presenting a lesson to me each and every day. If I am open to it, I see many different wonderful layers of my spouse. I am not saying it has been easy, but for me it has been a journey that has been worth it.

I too much like yourself stayed for the kids originally. Today I know why I stay because I deeply love this person whom I described before.

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

Tommyecat,

That was a really helpful post and has given me a lot of strength and hope. Yes, when my wife got out of rehab I was in it for the kids. Then over the year I begin feeling the love come back and I have explained what has happened the last couple of months. I really like your advice to act as if and that I don't have to feel it to do it. I will work those phrases into my morning meditations.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a book that may be helpful to you. It is not CAL, conference approved literature but it was extremely useful on this specific topic. Should you want the title, let me know, I will send you a PM (personal message).

Respectfully Yours

Tommyecat

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.