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Hello my friends! I need to talk.....my 5 mo sober A relasped last night. He didnt come home all night. i knew he was going to the studio to sing at night so i respected his space ad didnt call him to check up on him. He didnt call me either, which is never good but i thought he was respecting my space too....but no. he texted me at 4am telling me he relasped but caught himself and he wasnt ready to talk about it. i replied...ok. and thats it. i actually didnt get upset until later today....it didnt even make my stomache turn. why? i think alanon has prepared me for that moment. BUT what made me mad was all the bad decisions that came with it. he left me with no carseat for my son, he missed work for the 2nd time this week...and we are really broke, and i had to lie to my son about where daddy was. That pisses me off. i know this is his disease and he needs to deal with it, but it is affecting my sons life, as well as put me in uncomfortable situations...i still had to take my son to school without a carseat.....it is a short drive but thats not the point. i am not sure i can go thru relapses with him. maybe my expectations are too high. i want him sober. period. my son cannot afford his mistakes. i am still new to alanon..have alot to learn....but i feel what i feel right now and i am trying to be honest with my feelings. any thoughts??? thanks for listening...xoxo
Dawny, welcome and so glad you have found us. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If alcoholism were "only" drinking to excess, it wouldn't be as bad as it is -- it's all the other things and bad choices that make it such a horror. Those bad choices go hand-in-hand with the drinking. The disease makes it all about the alcoholic and all other considerations go by the wayside. I'm afraid that's what it's really like.
No one should have to go through this alone. I hope you can read all you can here and keep coming back. Face-to-face meetings are a wonderful form of support too. They sometimes have childcare, so phone your Al-Anon number (it should be in the phone book) and ask which meetings have childcare.
I know decisions are not easy, especially when there's a little child involved. You say, "i am not sure i can go thru relapses with him. maybe my expectations are too high. i want him sober. period." You not do have to lower your expectations -- that is, you get to decide what your boundaries and minimums are. If it is unwise/unsafe to have him around or taking care of a five-month-old, you are absolutely entitled to do whatever is necessary to take care of your little boy. That said, we're unable to control any adult but ourselves. The only person we can control is us. So you can set your boundary with him and make it clear, but he may well do what addicts do, which is to practice their addiction. Their thinking is distorted (even though it seems as if we should be able to reason with them) and they don't make choices like sane people. So in Al-Anon the saying is not to set boundaries that you won't enforce. So you may wish to think for yourself, "If he keeps drinking, what do I need to do to protect my son? What boundaries do I need to set?"
Again, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope you can take care of yourself and keep coming back.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this relapse. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease which affects all members of the family. Glad you are attending alanon and know that you are searching for answers.
Alanon wisely suggests that you make no major decisions for the first 6 months to a year in program. There is a good reason for this suggestion. Our thinking has become distorted by trying to force solutions. We need a chance to recover ourselves, learn new tools to deal with life and develop our ability to see reality and make healthy decisions for the good of the entire family
Please try to Live One Day at a Time, make your alanon telephone calls, post here, own your feelings and know you are not alone and that it does get better.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 14th of May 2011 08:06:25 AM
Although relapses are tough on everyone, I learned in the program to always have a Plan B. In your case that might be having a extra carseat. One of my goals was to attempt to let the drinking affect me, my life and my kids as little as possible. It's up to you what you tell your son, it's up to you to choose. I used to tell my son to "ask Daddy" where he was. That way I wasn't the one in the uncomfortable position, or lying to my son (or anyone else), or making excuses for the A. It was a personal boundary.
Keep coming back,
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy, thanks for your reply, what I didn't mention was my extra carseat was at a car rental place because he left it in the rental car and we couldn't get it because he owed him 300.00. He has a rental car because he crashed our other one just before he went to rehab. My plan B with the carseat was shot, how many plans am I suppose to have? And when daddy isn't home and my son asks where he is.....I can't say I don't know for too much longer because he is getting old enough to ask questions......sigh....I dont actually expect you to answer....I guess its rhetorical. I'm. Just exhausted I think. Good night.
Sorry to hear of the relapse, I know we learn about expectations and resentments here and in the alanon face to face meetings. When I expect something and it doesn't happen I get resentful. I am learning to not take things personally and to keep on my side of the street...getting to meetings and getting a sponsor to work the steps with are something I know I need to do soon so I can feel better and stop getting resentful... take care!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
