The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a question on interventions. First a little background. My Abf has been attending AA meetings, working the steps ,and has abstained from drinking since november of 2007. However, he did continue to smoke pot. As a dry drunk his sickness has caused us to have many issues over the last four years we have had break up's and make up's. After our latest break I found alanon and found more constructive ways to handle my life and my reactions to him. I am finally starting to find peace in myself. Well about two years ago while we were broken up and my abf was sober he picked up a new habit....gambling, poker to be exact. While I know this isn't a board about gambling addiction just trust me on this when I say it all relates to alanon and my journey. Our last break up was a result of many things and during the last three months it has become apparent that this poker thing isn't just a hobby or something to do it has become his new addiction. He plays a minimum of five nights a week sometimes into the next morning. While yes all his bills are paid they were also paid when he was drinking, and just like then he retains his job. We have rescently opened up communication again, I have a new outlook on things. Here is where I tie gambling and drinking together. I am proud of him for being sober so long from alchohol for fighting his alcoholism. But I feel that the gambling isn't just a replacement addiction for the drinking, but it is a pandora's box. He plays at casinos, bars with charity rooms, and illegal home parties. Places where everyone is drinking and using drugs. I think it not only opens up the possibility to him getting into trouble with poker debts and illegal activity, but it also exposes him to alcohol, to temptation. It's not in line with someone who has worked their steps, wants to improve their life, and live in sobriety. It will do nothing but continue to create problems between us and if he starts drinking again there will be even more. I need to live for me and I cannot have a life of chaos. It was suggested I should have sort of a one on one intervention about the gambling. Not to lecture him but to show my concern not only for the gambling but bring AA and his sobriety into the conversation. As well as what I want for myself in life and how that doesn't go along with my plan. I wasn't going to give ultimadums but I wanted to open the door for communication about this new addiction. I would also like to add I have no relashionship with his parents, they don't see the problem and he has cut off the majority of his friends. Does anyone have experiance with doing an intervention or any advice?
I have read that interventions have a very low success rate. Sometimes they get the addict/alcoholic into treatment, but the recovery rate is lower than for people who go into treatment on their own timescale from their own decision. The recovery rate for everyone has been estimated at 5-30%, so the rate from this would be lower. I read 1% somewhere but who knows how accurate that is?
It sounds as if your boyfriend is like so many who just exchange one addiction for another. The addictions seem to be largely interchangeable.
If he's been going to AA, he knows all about addiction and displacing his alcoholism into other addictions. Addicts know better than anyone else how it all works. So he has the knowledge in the rooms. He's just not using it.
From my experience, the desire to explain to the addict how his addictions are hurting me came from two impulses in my mind. One was that I thought, "I want to be sure this can't make a difference. I'd hate to think later that I might have been able to make a difference and I didn't try." After many, many times of doing this, I accepted that explaining things to him had no impact. But if I hadn't tried, I'd probably still be wondering, "Should I have just spelled it out? Would that have worked?|
The other reason was that I was still trying to hang on to my relationship and trying to make things get healthier and exert some control over him. That didn't work any better, unfortunately. I've seen from reading these board and talking to people in Al-Anon that my experience is most people's experience.
One Al-Anon saying is, "He's going to do what he's going to do; what are you going to do?" I hope you can keep on protecting yourself and keep coming back.
I have never tried an intervention, per se. I did corner my AH (one on one) on multiple occasions and cry that I was worried and scared for him and beg him to let me take him to rehab - and all 3 times that I did this, he was drunk enough that I was able to persuade him to get in the car and let me take him somewhere. All 3 times, he relapsed - twice within a day or two of getting out. I know now that this is because he wasn't the one seeking sobriety. Rather, I was seeking it on his behalf. When he was ready to get sober, he did so without going to rehab.
I am finding it hard to believe he is really working the steps, as you are describing a failure to be honest on so many levels and that is the very first principle in AA. I know I come off like "AA is everything" but I really feel like a dilligent AA program would address all these issues.
Here is just what I know from AA: I am an alcoholic but I also have an addictive personality. At any given time I obsess over things and while it is no longer alcohol, I can see it shifting towards compulsive exercise and being a workaholic. If I am not careful and working my program, any of these gung ho addictive behaviors can lead me straight back to the bottle. I also have to tell on myself and receive feedback on my behavior from my sponsor and other AA members, otherwise, the secrets and self-denial of my disease will start to build up again. So..I don't see a gambling intervention as necessary, but more of a return to recovery with the intention of working it right this time and not BSing. It sounds as though he has never been truly working the program and as they say "Half measures will avial us nothing."
So...you can register your concern about his gambling...I doubt it will do any good. For your sanity it's best left to any folks that are left in his recovery network (sponsor? friends that he goes to meetings with? Can he be honest with anyone? If not, then he has absolutely NO program of recovery in place and THAT is the explanation of his behavior now).
Thank you everyone, especially pink chip. I myself have never been in AA as I am not an alcoholic. I didn't know if they went over things like replacing drinking with a new addiction and if that was something a sponsor would be able to help with. Pink chip thanks for pointing out that if he were working a real recovery program he would have to be honest about the gambling and it would be a no no. For myself I am keeping busy, my shrink actually was the one who discussed having a conversation with him about it. Basically I need to do a better job of saying when you do this or say this to me it makes me feel like this and I can or will not put myself in a situation where I have to deal with it. I know he will only stops if he wants to but again like you pointed out pink chip if his sponsor was aware he would probably advise going back to the steps. It's funny about addictions he loves to point out any time where I have been dishonest but you are right to think he is living the principles of AA he is being dishonest with himself. Not sure now if I will say anything because it may go in one ear and out the other. Maybe it will be better just to ask how things are going with AA and his sponsor. One of my biggest goals is to find better ways to communicate that are constructive for all parties involved rather then my old self distuctive passive aggressive ways that created issues in my relashionship and in my own personal life. I want to make my decisions positive and I want to make sure I am clear with myself of what I have decided. I want to keep the flip floping to a minimum.
I wonder if your therapist has extensive experience with addicts? My alcoholic and I went to four counselors over the years and all of them said they knew about alcoholism, but when it came down to it all of them were too naive, as I realize now. They thought that just explaining how his addiction was a problem would help, or they believed him when he said he wasn't an alcoholic, or that "Okay, I'll stop drinking, no problem." They didn't seem to understand the deception and self-deception that go along with alcoholism. I can see how setting boundaries for yourself is self-protective. That kind of conversation could be constructive. But I'd worry about the usefulness of any conversation about how you feel about the addictions. I always wanted him to wake up and say, "I didn't realize! Now that you've said how it makes you feel, I'm going to get into recovery and..." I don't know if anyone's ever gotten that reaction, but I sure didn't.
mattie, yep no way to know for sure naturally he says he is experianced with addiction. I just don't want to do anything that will make him close the door back up on communication. I want him to know I am a safe zone and if he did want to discuss getting help that I am ok to discuss that with with out judgement. At the same time I need to take care of myself. But if he is ashamed or afraid of me judging him we are never going to get anywhere in the communication department. It's sad too because even when he was drinking we were pretty good about talking about things, this gambling thing is different.
