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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> heart squished...again
Post Info TOPIC: heart squished...again
lyn46


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heart squished...again
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Hi everyone,

So I told my AH that I would be moving out. Naturally he cried and carrried on. The next day at church he had this break-through revelation about how he needs to change his life. The day after that he confessed to me what he had been doing wrong as far as his shady addictive behavior goes. (I already knew what he was up to.  But the fact that he was being honest, I thought, was a huge step in the right direction. ) We had this great talk about how he was going to trust me enough to tell me when he was feeling tempted rather that act on his addictive impulses and then let me find out after the fact. Super! Then last night I found a needle in his pocket. So I guess the sum of last week's events is in a word called, manipulation. The apt. search continues.... I don't know why I am always willing to give him another chance. I should know by now that his words mean nothing. I feel like such a fool sometimes, like I'm just a sick as he is.

I wish I could find an Al-non  meeting that we can talk at. I found an Alnon meeting in my area but after going  a few times I decided it wasn't really for me. No one talked about their struggles. They only talked about how they're over them. Well, thats all well and fine if you've arrrived and are over the fence. But to those of us who are still on the other side trying to claw our way to the top, it can be a little discouraging. Especially if you feel like you can't talk about it. So now I meet with a friend who has an AH and we read the Al-non book together. It has been a big help. We have our own little mini meeting. But we do wish we had more people at our meetings so that we can glean from one another. But even Al-non is not going to do the footwork for me. I have to change my life...my life, not his. Its so hard to leave because when he isn't using he is a great guy. He's like the perfect husband. Its such a shame that a separation is on the horizon.

Well, I'm sure you guys have heard these kinds of stories a million times over. Sorry if I'm being redundant.  You all have a blessed day and thanks for listening. God bless you. :)



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tommyecat


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Lyn,

Thank you for sharing your story. For me going to different groups is important to me in my recovery. There is no one group with THE solution or THE answer. But I think it is important to see and hear about how people have/are struggling, and what they are doing about it. I relate to you in that I would not take much away from a meeting if the what was shared was it is so great where I am today, all that stuff is behind me.

I find it refreshing when I, my friends in the program, as well as my sponsor go bottoms up in our program. I think it shows our humanness and how life is when we have an Alanon slip. We have an opportunity to own up in the meetings, tell people about what we are doing or don't know what to do about XYZ problem then listen to other people share. When I am a mess I usually throw myself under the bus and chair a meeting telling everyone what is going on and I need help. I have found the God of my understanding speaks through the people in the room just for me. I am attracted to people in Alanon who don't have a lot of program pride, i.e., everything is great, every day I am just in the middle of a miracle kind of thing.

Perhaps there is another meeting in your area that you and your friend could look into. Each group has different dynamics. I hope you find a strong group for which you feel comfortable in sharing.

Thank you for your honesty and sharing here.
Respectfully Yours,
TC

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lyn46


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Hi Tommy...thank you for your understanding and gentle encouragement. Just one question..what is an Alnon "slip"? I've never heard that term used before. Thanks. ~Lyn

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tommyecat


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An alanon slip for me is when I revert back to the same old behaviors I had before I came into the program.  A slip can also be referred to being "off the beam".  A few of my character defects are reacting rather than choosing, anger, a smart mouth, and sarcasm.  When those things erupt in my life, I know I am not using the tools of the program.   Those are my WMD's wepons of mass destruction a tell tale sign I need to get to a meeting, hit my knees and start my day over, and call my sponsor. 



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flopadopilus


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Hi lyn46, Welcome to MIP! I am glad you came here to share and in reading your post this morning I relate to it. I have a small Al-anon group in a small town and there are no other meetings within 2 hours, but I make do because I need it and found a sponsor, for me I needed someone who has overcome and worked a great program over years to help guide me through the steps and my own recovery. I am sure it is hard, but if you could open up in your meetings you may be surprised of the compassion, love and understanding you may find. Most of us come crawling in and can relate to the devastation of this ugly and sad disease. It gives me hope to see the old timers laughing over things that still bring me to my knees. It makes me want what they have and to work my program more diligently, because at times I have slips and get back into the stinkin thinkin mode. No one has put me down or laughed at me, they have been nothing but compassionate, understanding, loving and supportive people. I am the newest, but they all have surrounded to help me where I need it. It took time and I am only 4 1/2 months in to feel the way I do towards my face to face Al-anon group. I like to be able to open up to people who can relate, it has been freeing for me. I have been reading lots of Al-anon books and literature and that has also kept my focus on me. Keep coming back and keep up the good work!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

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pineapple


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(((lyn)) Welcome to MIP, I'm glad you found us. I hope you read the other posts and responses on here. Plenty of tales of struggle to be found! Plenty of support and encouragement and ESH too. I also hope you will look for other meetings in your area, you just may find one that is a better fit for you. Another option is the online meetings here. The information is under LINKS in the yellow box at the top of the page. You're dealing with a really tough time right now but you have the right attitude and you've made a good start. Please keep coming back.

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canadianguy


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Hi Lyn46, and welcome.... I found your post refreshing, as you are wise beyond your own beliefs of where you are at in your recovery...

"like I'm just as sick as he is"....  truth is, this is fairly accurate - the disease of alcoholism's affect on the A is obvious, but we, as loved ones of A's, definitely get sick as well, and - left untreated - can be pretty tough on us...

"honesty - felt like a step in the right direction".....  Yep, it IS a step in the right direction, but a small step, in a very long process....  He sounds like he is still in the "I might want to get help" stage, but not yet at the "I am committed to get help, and it is my #1 priority" stage....  The fact that he is "trying" to be honest with you is a start....  the reality is, if A's could just "try to be honest" and succeed, or if they could just "try to stop drinking/using" and succeed - then there wouldn't be the need for AA in this world... Their disease grips them way stronger than that "surface will" can ever imagine....

"they only talk about how they have overcome their struggles"....  well, guess what?  They got to that point, of being able to look back at how they were able to overcome their struggles, by being exactly where you are today, at one point in their recoveries....  they shared their struggles, and learned from the E,S&H of the other members, which acted as a general guide to help them get better.... you are at a different place in your recovery today, than they are, but that doesn't preclude you from gaining a TON of help and recovery, by sharing your stories of struggles there.... Try it for a few meetings, and I'd be surprised if you didn't see some pretty amazing results...\

Keep coming back - you are on the right path.... and like your A, you are a bit of a 'newbie' in your recovery, but that's perfectly okay...

 

Take care

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


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Lyn! Please always feel free to share here!Everyones story is personal, everyone needs someone to relate to! Sometimes I share something and am shocked it fits right with someone else! I love that.

No you are not a fool! We are nice people who want to believe in others! Of course we naturally believe those that we love. Thru Al Anon we learn though,to look at our self first!

Also remember that when we decide to leave we are going to leave no matter what they say. We are going for us. That does not mean we may never want to see our A again either.

He is an A. Of course he manipulates, lies, drinks, uses. He is an active A. Even an A in recovery is an A.However for me, I do give them more leeway when following a program of recovery. Words mean zero for me with anyone. It's actions that matter.

I was blessed to live with my A during the only time in his life he was in recovery. His actions showed it all. They also showed when he was spinning to relapse sadly.

I hope you keep sharing your journey with us!

love,debilyn



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youfoundme


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I too am very new to going to meetings, just went to my 1st one this year. I had attended a few last year too, but didn't think I needed it. Heh, was I wrong. So I am back and I am going to do what I need to do now to get better. The meeting I went to this week was mostly people talking about resentment and how they deal with it now instead of before. The program, from what I heard has helped them not be resentful anymore. So I decided to talk, I was moved to. I didn't seem to make much sense (in my mind) and I felt like I was blubbering, but I did it. And after, I looked around and everyone was smiling and nodding at me, thanking me for sharing. After the meeting I got hugs and words of encouragement. I know I need to be there and I need to keep looking for a sponsor. Listening to the people talk may seem at first like a chore, but really listening helped me.

As for my bf telling me before he wants to use, it just doesn't happen...I asked him to do that too so that I could "help" him. Problem was, I was taking his inventory and the pot was calling the kettle black as I got mad at him for even "thinking" of using or drinking. And there I was trying to control him again. I have found that I can't control another adult. I just can't. I can't tell him what to do and I can't make him stop and I can't make him tell me before he uses....and when I found a needle (and I found quite a few) maybe I shouldn't have been searching his clothes. I am just as sick, if not sicker than him. I constantly think about him and what he is doing and what he is going to do and just thinking about me for 30 seconds is the hardest thing to do. So for me, 30 seconds at a time, I am getting better...slowly. It took 35 years to get this way, its going to take a while to undo....I have hope though because of the shares in the meetings where everyone is in recovery. Keep coming back, it works when we work it :)

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
lyn46


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Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I'm having a rough day, but it is of great comfort to know there are people who understand what I am going through. I guess it really is a process and I am at the beginning. I never thought of myself being in recovery, but I guess I am. I choose to be anyway. Just like the addict/alcoholic has a choice to be in recovery or not, so do we. I choose life and love over misery and self pity. I know that my God is working, even if I don't see it. No problem is too big for Him. I think I will seek out another meeting and give it another shot. Tonight I am just so thankful for all the blessings in my life...including all of you. Good night. ~ Lyn

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pinkchip


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Just an FYI...an addiction that involves needles is one that is probably going ot take detox and rehab....there is NO WAY he will be able to do it on his own.

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