Need suggestions on detaching after breakup and moving on - Al-Anon Family Group

Stillalive2dream · Member

Need suggestions on detaching after breakup and moving on

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I am serperated from my newly sober abf. When my partner put down the drink he has since told me that he still obsesses about it and this is what he has to fight not picking up the first drink. For me when I am away from my addict I feel better move on with my own stuff get more focused however he was/is my addiction he still comes into my head alot. I ask Hp to help me with the compulsion to call, I ask him to take my obsession. I say the serentity pray. When I sit with my own head he is in it, but if I am busy with friends having fun then he may not come into my head for hours. I see today that I am just as sick as him but my choice of drug is people and interfering in other lives obsessing over other as that way I do not have to work hard on my recovery and past and how I got to where I am today. I just keep going to meetings and if I want to ring him as he was my best friend I ring an al anon member instead. He has rang my children and said he is coming to visit them today while I am at my meeting. I believe this is to keep contact I can not change that they have developed a relationship but I can get myself out of the way and put my mind and focus on to me and my recovery. Take what you like and leave the rest.

hugs tracy

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to agree with Tracy here, my disease is the same as any other addict's. I am addicted to people, well one person in particular. Right now he is my drug of choice. I work so hard to find out how he is doing and what he is doing and what he has done. Its sickening to me when I really think of it. They say we get even sicker in our disease of the mind than the addict/alcoholic does. And that we are addicted to the chaos. That is where alanon steps in and helps. I have not gotten to go to an alanon meeting recently, but I did go to an open AA and I know that the meetings help. I also know from what I have read here that having a sponsor and working the steps help us co-dependent people stop obsessing with others. Focusing on ourselves we learn to live one day at a time.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Yup ... I've felt like that. I was very addicted to pretty much every boyfriend I ever had. I wouldn't stop thinking/obsessing about one until the next one had come along. If I examine myself honestly from life before recovery, I can think of only a few instances where I was not obsessing about SOMEONE. All of these someones had their own various addictions. I perceived that none of them treated me well because they all lied, stole, cheated, etc. - and rather than do the logical thing and just leave, I hung in there and let it happen again and again because I just knew that underneath all the drama, there was a nice person in there somewhere. Even if I couldn't remember the last time I saw the nice person - or if I'd never actually seen the nice person.

Good time to throw yourself wholeheartedly into your own recovery - it will give your mind something else to think about. Although it takes time for the obsessions to go away, working a strong program will help tons.

Keep coming back,

Summer

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Stillalive2dream, I "ll share with you one very effective too that I used in my dating past (long time past) for letting go.

Take a sheet of paper and list all of the most painful experiences from the relationship--like stealing, cheating, etc... As you go over each experience---go back and experience each negative feeling with as much detail and intensity as you can recall.

Do this every time you find yourself thinking about him. You'll be surprised at the result. It worked like a charm for me when I did that.

Good luck,

Respectfully, Otie

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that a thought is just a thought. You can let it flow out of your head as easy as it came in. Don't be alarmed or beat yourself up cuz you think about him. That will make you obsess more. Just let the thoughts pass through like you tuned into a radio station, hit the exab station and then decided to change it :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Over time I found those thoughts just died away. I learned to say to myself,I am done with him. Every time I thought of him I thought this to the point I no longer think of him.

Like any other abuse you still have a wound that is healing. Meetings would help. Coming here and venting will help you too. If you truly are done with him, you will work on this and you will accomplish your goal.

I am happy for you for finding another. love,debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Stillalive...

I just love what pink chip said it reminded me of the slogan "Keep it simple"

Thank you for sharing.
TC

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you attending Al-anon face to face meetings? Are you reading any Al-anon literature? The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was of great help to me. I am addicted to my A, but as I work on my own recovery every day it gets easier. There is always hope!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.