The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I saw AH the other day... he went through detox and is now going through the rehab. He is still convinced that he has no problem. Oh well.. his problem, not mine. He said something that I couldn't believe. He told me.. "Well, you have to change too.. you have to learn that when I've had a couple beers not to start an argument" WHAT?? Really?? I did not start the arguments. I tried hard to watch what I say to him. It was like walking on eggshells around him. If he thinks that I will allow him back home when he's done rehab, he has another thing coming. Besides, it's still up to the courts and CAS on if and when he can come home. I refuse to live my life like that anymore. The kids and I should not have to walk on eggshells at all times, just so he can have a few beers and feed his addiction. It has been over 2 months since he was removed from the house, and the stress level in this house has dropped dramatically! It seems almost odd to have money left over at the end of the week, or odd that if the kids are out of snacks for school, that I can go to the store and get something without stressing out about where that money will come from. I will admit that when AH was here, things in my house were... well.... not nasty and dirty, but untidy.. now I'm finding that I am able to get things done. All in all my friends, I feel good
I am so glad you shared that. What really worked for me was when the AH would make statements such as the ones above, I don't respond to statements. If I am not asked a question, there is no response needed.
I discovered how to listen in Alanon. In my home group there is a policy of no cross talking when someone shares in meetings. This helps me tremendously in every encounter with family or friends. We are encouraged not to comment on, belittle, judge, or single someone out in the group when each of us has a chance to share. Inappropriate laughter is also discouraged. Those guidelines helped steer me and keep focused on myself in heated discussions. Sometimes you hear the darndest things in a meeting that may not be appropriate for a group but more so for a sponsor. As such everyone has a wide birth to spread the Message of the program or to spread the Mess. Sometimes it is a little of both.
(((Evian))) I remember that feeling well. You could politely tell him that you ARE changing and recovering through the walls of Alanon. Also, when my AH came home from rehab the last time, I explained to him, that his drinking is a choice. He will or will not drink, his choice. But, I also explained that this was also my home and that I have a choice to live with a spouse that drinks. I told him I could not live in those conditions ever again. I have left the responsibility of his sobriety totally in his lap. I don't question, don't nag. I offer support if asked. He has been sober over a year now. His responsibility, not mine. Good luck to you.
Thank you. I said just that to him. That I am doing what I can.. going to counselling, and going to my f2f meetings. I have been doing both since January, and he knows this. I have explained to him that things could not continue the way they were. The money going out, the emotional toll on everyone else involved could not continue. Unfortunately, the disease still has a major grip on him. Maybe he will learn something while getting the help, maybe he won't. He told me his concerns about being involved with the classes. I simply told him.. "Go to the classes, do what you can... Take what you like and Leave the rest" It is totally up to him.
I saw AH the other day... he went through detox and is now going through the rehab. He is still convinced that he has no problem. Oh well.. his problem, not mine. He said something that I couldn't believe. He told me.. "Well, you have to change too.. you have to learn that when I've had a couple beers not to start an argument" WHAT?? Really?? 