What do you tell your kids about going to a meeting? - Al-Anon Family Group

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

What do you tell your kids about going to a meeting?

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

My kids know that I go to a 8 PM Wed night meeting which is a commitment I keep with a sponsee as well as my home group because I chair that meeting. I am able to have dinner with them, give them a bath, and have play time. I also attend Saturday morning meetings at 8.30 AM and 10 AM. I usually come back at 11.30 AM. Sometimes my kids want me to stay home. If they are sick, of course I stay home and get someone else to chair and reschedule my commitment with my sponsee. A few months ago on a Tuesday night my oldest said to me "mom I sure wish you were going to one of those meetings". To which I responded, me too. After so many years, I believe they can see I am different after a meeting. As to occupying them, we don't watch t.v. during the week. As long as my oldest has done his school work, he is able to watch a 30 minute t.v. show on Wednesday night which is a treat for both kids.

I am honest where I am going but the majority of my meetings are when they are in school at 12 PM Monday - Friday. I am lucky to belong to a group that has 21 meetings per week with strong attendance. For me, however, I really need a break during the week for the Wednesday night meeting from putting them to bed. I also like the meetings on Saturday as well because it supports me all weekend. Thankfully my spouse encourages me to go to meetings now which it was not like that in the beginning. As for guilt, yes in the beginning I had some. But I must say, when I left I kept saying "I need this for me" When I take care of myself first, I am so much more able to serve someone else.

I hope that helps!
TC

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you TC. I am going to find the next meeting I can get to...and let them know ahead of time that X day is the day I will be out at 7pm. For sure the Friday night meeting I am going to as well, so they will know that those two days are set in stone unless they are sick :) Thanks for sharing that !!

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, I tell my 13 year old I am going to an Al-anon meeting ahead of time she knows that it is at noon on Wednesday's, which I have already explained to her that I go because of alcoholism in the family. I also bought her an alateen book and she said she likes it and now she is looking through my daily readers. She babysits my almost 3 year old while I go and she we talked about how it is to help me get healthier and to give me the support I need. She has told me she likes the changes in me since I have been going. I am open about it all to a point, but I keep the confidences of the people who attend. Her dad is still drinking and I keep the communication open with her. She has even set boundaries with him that so far he has respected. Good job and keep up the good work!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Flopadopilus, thank you, my older son is 14 and my younger is almost 9, so them staying home isn't a problem. Maybe its time for me to tell him I am going to a meeting that is a support group and that I need to go for me to feel better. I have never told him what the meetings are, so maybe it would be good to at least give him some information. Great idea, thanks ;)

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

My kids (pre-teen ages) know I go to a meeting at a regular time each week. My DS (younger) is most curious about why I go and what I do in the meetings. I have explained to him it is a group of people who get together to work on thinking about things in a different way. I'll even tell him what the lead was for the night: "Tonight, we talked about hope."

Our DD (older) knows it is a meeting for people who are dealing with alcohol in their lives.

They seem to accept that this is just one of those things mom does. It probably helps that in the past I have taken evening classes, so they are used to me having an evening activity that does not include them.

Given the chaos that has reigned in our home, I make a sincere effort to keep a regular schedule for them (including my own activities) so they know what to expect.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I tell my 10 year old at the beginning of the week which meeting I will be going to. Usually I go to the same one every week, but I am doing a step study group every other week, which affects my meeting day. I have explained to him about the family disease of alcoholism, and told him that although I am not an alcoholic, I am affected by other people's drinking and need help to stay healthy. He accepts the explanation and the meeting just fine. Even on the days when he says, "Awww!" and makes a face when I have to go, I know that I am able to be a better mother when I stay on track with my recovery - which is certainly beneficial for my kids.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I found Al-Anon long after my sons' childhood years.

From my persepctive, it would be benefical to children if their parent, who is attending meetings, explains to them that they go for the purpose of taking care of themself and elaborate as needed.

How I wish my mother or father would have at least modeled for me how to take care of self and that it is important and not selfish. That's the message I'd share with young children if I had them.

My parents model didn't model self-care for me & my siblings because they didn't know better, nor did I do such a bang up job for my two grown sons. However, they see me now taking care of myself. I hope they do the same and allow their significant others the same respect.

Modeling and practicing the best self-care we can for our children, regardless their age, is one of the best gifts we can pass on to them. My opinion :)

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 10th of May 2011 11:21:01 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

By you going to a meeting you are showing the kids you have a life of your own! That it is ok to do stuff for ourselves!

It's good for them to realize they can be fine with out you. I am sure they can figure out what to do for themselves and that is a good thing! Kids need that, allowing them to figure out how to occupy themselves.

It makes them more independant people. When its time for them to go out on their own, they will know "they can figure it out." Starting this early is the key.

You have a nice time at your meetings. Believe me they will appreciate you more if you do for yourself too!

love,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Kids only want the truth , why are you going etc .. And once they adjust to your being away for a couple of hrs they will be just fine . Support group works , do they know that dad has a drinking problem ? if you havent sharred that with them it will help them to understand a little better and there is literature for them that will help them understand . for the pre teen Whats Drunk Mama is amazing , and the alateen literature is great for the 14 yr old .

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks :) Its my bf that is addicted...I have talked with the boys both a lot about drugs and drinking and how happiness comes from inside. That they are genetically predisposed to addiction (thanks family of origin) and that happiness is an inside job. Actually my bf is really good about realizing he has a problem and has spoken with them as well.
So I think I will go to some meetings and find out what kind of literature I can share with the kids :) Thanks!

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

HI,

I have been honest with my kids about my recovery y daughter was telling me the other day her friends mum did not have much time for her. I commented on the time I spend at meetings and she told me thats different mum you go there to get help and feel better. I know my children have been affected by their fathers addiction and their step dads drinking. I want to show recovery and seeking support is a healthy option one day they may chosse it for them selves if they see the benefits from me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.