The material presented
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My A is consistently asking me what is wrong. I mean numerous times a day. If I am thinking about something that has to do with me and just me, I may look like I am thiking. He has to know about what. If what I say doesn't sound believable enough he questions me about it. Basically he will only accept an answer that is about him. I also have the option of smiling all the time and becoming a really good actress but that doesn't appeal to me either.
If I am thinking about something having to do with him and how I am going to deal with it, I may be ready to tell him, or not want to at all. Maybe I am going to handle it a different way.
I need a one liner for this one. There must be someone out there who has gone through this one. What did you say to diffuse the situation?
I was just trying to remember the words to this song.....its driving me crazy.....then start singing
Corny, mabye. But you know, it works. Why? Because it throws them off. You will have two people standing in a room with their mind off "the problem ....what you are thinking about" and concentrating on figuring out the words to a song. It is wedge that is inserted into peoples consciousness focusing their mind on to something positive rather than focused on a perceived problem.
I know I am always working on my program tools so that when I am quiet, not talking or interacting, I am usually trying to keep the focus on myself, keep my mind, and spirit in the moment not project to the future or wallow in the past. I am trying to retrain my thoughts and reactions so that I can live in the moment and act and not react.
I could easily and have explained that to anyone who wanted to know what I was thinking or where my mind was. I have said :" I am working on recovery It is an inside job and every moment that I can, I am practicing using my new tools Like staying in the now, etc" That always works for me and it is HONEST
That's a tough one, and I'm not a fan of "deflecting" on issues like this.... Not sure whether your A is currently active or not, etc... My thoughts would be to have a planned, calm, and mature conversation with him - explaining you have a need for "your time", and don't want to be constantly inquired upon as to what you are thinking, etc... It sounds fairly toxic, to be honest.... those four little words "what are you thinking?" can be four pretty imposing ones, at the best of times....
Sorry, not much help here, other than to say I know where you are coming from...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi, I have the opposite thing... he is not at all interested in what I am thinking. I think if he were to ask me, I would not answer. I would worry about why he wanted to know. Is it any of his business? Do I want him in my business? Will he use it against me. I like the idea of pretending to think of the words to a song.
I agree with Tom, this is kinda tough. I like the suggestion of a mature discussion to any form of dishonesty. No where in my program does it suggest I turn myself into a pretzel to make someone more comfortable.... or that little white lies are harmless. My program suggests rigorous honesty. My solutions never worked as well as the suggestions of the program.
I also like maryjane's reminder, about business. Reminds me, that there are 3 kinds of business... God's business, your business, and my business. Your husband is in YOUR business. A boundary seems to be in order.
He might not like that.
Oh well.
We human beings don't get to know what everyone is thinking, right? Good luck.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks everyone. I have tried the mature discussion and that didn't work at all. There is no logic here, but obsession with me being angry with him. It is such a fear, it rules him, and drives me crazy.
Hotrod:
I know who I want to be and that is a person that does not lie or passify. The idea of saying that I am working on my recovery is better than most. I have tried that before and his response was that "Oh and I am the person you are recovering from so the problem IS me". I didn't say the rest though of what you said and that sounds like something he would accept and I am being truthful.
Thanks a bunch. Keep it simple was apparently something I didn't think of. :)
I was once told to reply to any question I did not want to answer with .... Why do you ask? Logical in a daily contact conversation but it may not be the best line for a conversation with a person acting out an Aism.
I am also not a fan of deflection on this topic. At times it may work though and if it brings you peace that is OK, we use the tools we have at any given time to the best of our knowledge. And honestly TC's song idea is brilliant, I am going to remember that one. In general, I would reply with I am working on my program and am not ready to discuss my thoughts with anyone right now, thank you for asking, when I am ready I will let you know.
I agree with Tom, this is kinda tough. I like the suggestion of a mature discussion to any form of dishonesty. No where in my program does it suggest I turn myself into a pretzel to make someone more comfortable.... or that little white lies are harmless. My program suggests rigorous honesty. My solutions never worked as well as the suggestions of the program.
I also like maryjane's reminder, about business. Reminds me, that there are 3 kinds of business... God's business, your business, and my business. Your husband is in YOUR business. A boundary seems to be in order.
He might not like that.
Oh well.
We human beings don't get to know what everyone is thinking, right? Good luck.
This is exactly how I feel. My every thought is none of his business. He want's to be able to feel good all the time and it is at my expense, not his own recovery.
I realize a boundary needs to be set, I just don't know how to go about this one. What Hotrod said will probably work though, if I keep saying the same thing over and over. He will get tired of hearing it and quit asking.
"What are you thinking?" seems to be a useful pathway into a fight for mine - there is often no way to answer it because no matter how i answer it, he will take it wrong and a fight will start -if i'm thinking he's behaving like a jerk and i wish he'd just go to sleep, can I say it out loud? no, of course not.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I failed to mention in my response that the reason why that worked for me is because my A really got upset when I was focused on my recovery. Early in recovery I still had to hide I was going to meetings and working with a sponsor. So for me, being honest saying I am working on my recovery would have been bad news....opening a door for a fight.
My sponsor always suggested to me to take the softer, easier way. I had the same experience as the previous person likemyheart, said. There is no way I could have the "right" answer without causing a fight. I wasn't strong enough to fight anymore. My A really did not want to know the truth.
I know the song thing may have sounded ricidulous, but for me it worked.
Thanks for the topic clep! I love these suggestions. I deal with one who asks what I am thinking, then belittles my issues. If I don't tell, he gets mad that I don't want to talk to him. Big old catch 22.
I like the suggestions and reading is making me grateful that I don't live in the same house with this person.
Wow! That would drive me nuts. It's like a invasion of privacy in to your head. I think I'd answer 'I'm wondering how to make you stop asking me what I'm thinking" lol
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
