I'm having trouble talking at meetings - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

I'm having trouble talking at meetings

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi atheos,

I'll share my experiences of meetings, even though this isonly my 3rd month of attendance.

So far, I've attended two different meeting groups. Each has their own chemistry. One I prefer a little more than the other.

In both groups, there have been newcomers and those not so new to the program who have done a little ranting and sobbing while telling us what is challenging them at the moment. There's a mixture of shares, not everyone is hopeful. I've observed that a few who came to the meetings a ship wreck, so lost and full of hoplessness, get support from the longtime members right after the meetings.

Have you tried different groups to see where you fit comfortably?

My experiences has taught me that regardless which group I attend, I gain something.

Also, my experiences have taught me that when I compare myself to others who "appear" to be better off than I am in any shape or form, I'm very miserable. To me, I now see that comparing myself to anyone else is an act of disrespect of self. I'm where I am. Period. If ever I find I'm in the dumps and don't know how to get out of it myself, I'd share that at meetings if I had no other means at the time to lift me up.

If ever I find that I'm uncomfortable sharing my deepest, personal feelings with the group, that is when I'd tell my sponsor (which I haven't obtained yet).
But she is out there; I need to find her.

Others with far more experience will reply I'm certain. hang on - support is on the way!

Be gentle with yourself; treat you and if you would treat your best friend. Practice, practice. You can learn new ways to treat yourself. Don't ever give up!

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 8th of May 2011 11:17:05 AM

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi altheos,
At my meetings it is not always uplifting, hopeful stuff, because life is not like that. We had one lady share last week that she pulled the gun out of her hubby's mouth a few days earlier and she was at the meeting, as usual on a Thursday night, because she needed to check in with us and GET some hope. Her uplifting thing that she said was that he was now getting the help that he needs and she hopes he will listen. It is not always just hopeful things that we talk about.

I used to compare my insides to other's outsides too. Other people have issues. They all have issues. There is not a single person who doesn't have issues. And go to an Al-Anon meeting and there are plenty of issues. The difference, I have seen, between those who really work the program, and those who just go to meetings, is their attitude toward their issues. Is your glass half empty or half full? Are you looking at problems? or solutions? Is life totally grim? or can you see some humor ?
Do you see only black and white or are there some shades of gray? I used to dramatize every feeling that I had....once I started having feelings again.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are exactly where you should be right now. Stay after the meetings and see if there is someone who wants to talk. You dont't even have to talk about problems. You can talk about a hobby. Just something to get you out of the mind-set that you are in. Meetings are to make you feel better, not to make you feel less than.

suave75 · Veteran Member

I too have to have trouble talking at meetings. I am very shy. I am a newcomer and do not always have something to share on a topic. Sometimes I don't have any positive things to say.

I feel at meeting we are there to support one another. To listen as well as share. We don't give advice. We don't judge.

I would try other meetings. Get phone numbers.

Good luck.

p.s You can always vent or share here.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh NO hon!

I know from experience that sometimes a group can get into a rut. then what you see happens.

then someone shares a horrible experience. What this does is open up the room for others to not be afraid to open up!

Whether you feel it is pity or not who cares? We need to have a place to vent! geez what is wrong with feeling sorry for ourselves anyway?

I sure felt sorry for me when I had to make the decision to place my animals Felt horrible sorry for me to lose the man I loved and cherished all my life to brain damage!

Please hon, share. You will be helping others! When we share we are giving of ourselves. thats pretty cool.

sometimes i even hesitate. but then I make myself and get the most wonderful responses!

hugs,debilyn

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((atheos)))

In our meetings members share what is on their hearts. Good, bad, uplifting or not. When members share their troubles it gives another member who might have experienced the same or similar problems in their life the opportunity share their experience, strength, and hope. Giving back to others is a huge part of the program. The old timers are there for you, have walked in your shoes, and want you to have what they have.

Don't hold on by your fingernails, grab the rope. I think you will be suprised at the understanding and support you will receive.

I remember feeling a little like you my first few meetings. It's only natural. I remember in my third meeting I finally shared to the group that no matter how hard I tried it seemed every conversation I had with my alcoholic lead to an argument. That I would try to get my point across but everytime it seemed to only cause the conversation to escalate. One of the members after listening suggested the next time I realized a conversation had no where to go but downhill for me to use the four magic words........"You Might Be Right". How simple I didn't have to go to every argument I was invited to. By opening up and telling the group a problem I was having and receiving those four magic words I was able to save my serenity countless times from that point on.

When we get into a argument with an alcohoilc I can guarantee three things will happen every time:
1) You will lose your serenity.
2) You will lose your peace of mind.
3) And you will lose the argument.

My point is I also didn't want to share with the group some of the problems I was having, but when I shared that night and in the future, I found the help I needed.........Other members were there for me and they will be there for you.......Grab the rope.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 8th of May 2011 04:20:22 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

atheos wrote:
".
My very first meeting, before I learned that people usually only shared hopeful things, I shared some of what I was feeling. And felt a tremendous sense of relief to have talked about something I usually can't talk about.

-- Edited by atheos on Sunday 8th of May 2011 11:00:28 AM

Hi Atheos

I really loved how you expressed the feeling of relief you obtained by sharing what was in your mind and heart !!! That is what the meetings are about

Connecting, sharing, the good the bad and the ugly. Everyone is in a different place and just by being in a meeting you are showing hope in the program and hope for yourself. Share from your heart there is no pretense needed in alanon in fact when asked how the program works the answer is in the HOW:

Honesty Openness and Willingness.

No doubt the people in the meeting call each other during the in between times and have sponsors to share their hard stuff with

That may also be the reason not too much is brought out in the meeting. You are fine. Share from your heart, tell what tool you are trying to use and look for a sponsor.

Bradly · Newbie

When people at my meetings share the 'negative,' difficult stuff, I feel a sense of relief that I'm not the only one in the world going through hard times.

That enabled me to be more open in my own sharing. Just this discussion has brought me closer to that.

Thank you.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Going to a meeting and assuming that they only want to hear possitive is a mistake , no one came to these meetings feeling positive about anything , share how your feeling your fears and hopes it is the only way people can help if they dont know what your going thru they assume your just fine , altho we don't give advice most have been where your at right now and it gives them an oportunity to share what worked for them in the same situation. sharring from your heart is what heals , let go its a safe place to share .Not sharring what is going on with you is what keeps us sick . An old AA member told me along time ago that alone in my own head there is no adult supervision . ha I never forgot that one so share , find a sponsor and get it out of your head so there is room for everything your about to learn . You cannot build a mansion on top of a garbage dump .. your gonna be just fine . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 8th of May 2011 07:57:56 PM

-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 9th of May 2011 03:07:36 PM

freeagain · Veteran Member

I was in too much pain to NOT let it all hang out and be myself. I cried and said really awful things and really dumb things and the group never kicked me out. In fact, they loved me no matter where I was in my recovery. I was too broken to NOT trust the group. I was at my bottom and I was NOT positive at all. I spilled and dumped and spewed and I got hugs and phone numbers and I was told repeatedly "I have been where you are and it gets better"

So, in my experience, being totally honest with who I am and where I'm "at" was the way I began to grow and change. When I allowed myself to be rigirouly honest with myself and with the group, I received unconditional love.

I lost my faith also when I hit bottom. The group gave me theirs until mine returned.

Have faith, work it cause you're worth it.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been the program for awhile. I think it is so helpful to hear from others as well as myself to tell everyone what is going on in my life and what I am doing about it....good or bad. I need the good, the bad and the funny stories at my meetings. They all help me in my recovery. I am privileged to belong to a group that has strong attendance, strong sharing (struggles and successes), and strong solution. Try another group and say you are visiting from your home group. See how another meeting is conducted and perhaps the sharing there is more what you can relate to.

For people who have been in the program awhile we need the newcomer to share their difficult stories because it reminds us of who we were when we walked into the room. It reminds me of part of our meeting closing, "let the love, understanding, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time". We all help one another. I am convinced I need a newcomer to share which helps me in my program more than they need me.

I do so hope you give it another try.

TC

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Be where you are. We can't act differently until we become aware of what's happening and we can accept it... and that just takes time. We all took the same path, we had to get the "poison" out. Just vomit it up, it has to come out because we are so sick.... and the fellowship is the safest place to do that because there, we won't hurt anyone with it. We all remember the beginning.

It's an honest program, sweetie, and the honesty is part of a higher plan. As you have read here, everyone benefits from honesty. The program is brilliant. I would walk away and wish the whole world were part of the fellowship, I had never known that kind of honesty before.

Gradually, you'll begin to see what's working well for you in recovery, and you'll begin to share that, it does get better. This is the path we all took. Be where you are, but come with an open-mind, listen, listen, listen. That is how I began to learn and unlearn behaviors.

I always liked the little slogan, "Compare... and despair." When I compare myself to others, that is Ego clubbing me over the head, not my Higher power.

To thine own self be true. You can't do it "wrong" (((hugs)))

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

It may be that the people in the room have been in the program for a while. After a while, our perspective changes.

HOWEVER, I think that most of us started out in the place you're in now. Most of us went into a meeting and cried. I took almost 9 months to share anything other than just my name - and even that I did with beet red face. Just thinking about sharing was enough to make me feel ill. Once I started sharing, though, the recovery began to happen. Meetings are for us to share honestly what is on our hearts and minds. I would encourage you to be honest, even if you feel that your share is different than someone else's. We've all been there - where we felt terminally unique. After a while, we discovered that we weren't so unique.

Keep coming back,

Summer

clep · Senior Member

I remember my first number of meetings and how signifigant they were for me in learning how the program worked. There are many long term members in my meetings and we all share the positive as well as our hardships. It was so helpful for me to hear the negative so I did not create a false impression that the meetings would fix everything and life would be a bed of roses.

I do not pass, no matter how I feel. I share the negative if I feel that way and express gratitude that while there will be negative in my life still, that my program gives me the tools to handle it. Often if I share negative someone will have a chat with me after the meeting regarding my challenge as they have been where I am. Their esh is so very helpful with my situation, and I wouldn't have that esh if they didn't know what I am going through.

Blessings.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.