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I just found out this morning that my AH had an affair at the begining of our marriage. I already knew about two other one night stands that had happened during his relapse in the recient past but had no idea about this on going affair he had 11 years ago.
I had been in a great place before this morning, the happiest I had ever felt, but after learning this new info about my AH's past I am hurting so bad right now.
My rational brain know that he uses sex as one of his solutions when he is sick as well as drugs and alcohol. It is just a way for him to try and fill that gaping hole he has when he is in active sickness. But my emotional brain is so hurt. I wonder if this affair was the foundation that our marriage was built on how can it ever survive?
I had gotten to a point of acceptance of his recient cheating ( I was actually grateful for them because it's what got me to get a sponsor and start working the steps) but now I am starting all over with this one. It really sucks!!
Thank you so much for listening! I guess a call to my sponsor is in order. :)
Aimee, Thanks for sharing, that takes great courage. I just wanted to give you a big {{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}
I think it is a great idea to call your sponsor to talk things over and reason things out with someone else. Perhaps go to a meeting if you can as well.
Why do you keep finding this stuff out? Is it that he is trying to make ammends? If so, than he is messed up cuz sometimes its actually selfish to make ammends when it hurts the other person. Sorry you had to keep finding this stuff out. Only you get to decide if it's something you can accept or not.
Hi, I found out about the infidelity when one of his co-workers came up to me and said, "the spouse is the last to know." I let her know that I already knew...I didn't have evidence or any specifics, but in my heart I already knew. When I asked him why one of his employees would ever say that to me he deflected and asked which employee and when and what did they say and that they were wrong. He also said that he was going to fire the person that they were talking about anyway. Huh? That is not the point I was asking about.
What helped me was when someone said to me, "Even God can't change history." It is what it is. Now what are you going to do about it? If you ask him about it and he gives you the wrong answer, what will you do? If he gives you the right answer, what will you do? Do you even need an answer? It was 11 yrs. ago. Did it make a difference to you for that whole 11 yrs.? Does it explain a lot of things about the 11 yrs.? Think it all through and make your own decisions. Talk it over with your sponser and anyone else that you totally trust from your meetings.
Don't be in a hurry to make any judgements. Give your heart a chance to heal before you make any decisions.
I found out my A was having an affair when I caught them in bed together the morning of my birthday. He left me the week before due to the affair and I put two and two together when I saw them in bed.
I KNEW at that moment I would never forgive him for the pain he put our son and me through. Our relationship was built on lies, manipulation and selfishness in my eyes. He was always staring at other women looking for the next best thing.
I knew there was something wrong and so did he, but neither of us knew what the problem was or how to fix it. I was sure I knew though and shared that information with him consistently. He accepted behaviors from me that contributed to the situation and I did the same with him.
He found recovery and so did I. After swallowing my pride and admitting my part in everything I found that continuing to blame and take things personal was doing me no good. We reconcilled.
My relationship was not built on the mistakes I made, and it wasn't on the mistakes he made either. It was built on love. We just didn't know how to show each other how we felt, until recovery started. There are many times we still don't know, but we have the tools to recognize we are slipping and get back on that horse.
I can live in the past or the present. Only one can be changed or bettered. That is where I need to put my energy.
Sponsor, meetings, read, read, read. You can get through this.
We know but we don't know. I was having a good day - productive, happy. Then I answer the phone and it is my AHsober who wants a divorce. It deflates me - I react to his actions. In my recovery program, I know to be prepared. it is the disease talking. I do agree that they use other distractions, addiction to cope and fill their voids. I should not be surprised that my AHsober clubs me over the head with divorce, divorce, divorce. It is his pattern and his obsession. But it still bothers me. So, I came here immediately to take care of myself. I will go to a face to face meeting tomorrow. Take care of yoruself.
it was my ex sober ABf one night stand that brought me to a;l anon. everything that had happened in this relationship hurt but the infadelity caused me the most pain. As far as I know he never had any affairs but I think there was a couple of one night stands. I know when sober he wouldnever cheat. But he is an alcoholic and when drunk I can not trust him. Step one I am powerless over him , the past and anything that hurt me. However what I choose to do to take care of myself when I an hurting I do have some control over. I ring and al anon memeber, come on here, ask Hp for help guidance. read my books. Anything to get me away from the negtive thoughts. I hope you do what you need to take care of you. when someone is unfaithful it is about them its their behavior. MY partner would have been unfaithful to who ever he was with it wasnt about me. Its not I am ugly or unsexy or deficent in anyway. Its hes an alcoholic and when drunk he does stuff he regrets you can not control him or change the past but you can take care of you hugs tracy
Just my 2 cents worth. I have to agree with Clep. My AH had an affair. He told me on our ninth anniversary. It was one of the most hurtful things that I ever went through. At the time, I stayed because of the kids. It took me a LONG time to heal and forgive. I have to say now... that even though I forgave, I never fogot. Now, with some recovery, and working the steps, I can truly say that I have forgiven. One of my mottos is "forgive... it frees MY soul." Only you can decide what is right for you. Some can stay and and forgive, some can't. I have to live in the present, the past is just that. Its over and gone. It has to be your decision. I'm so sorry for your pain, it really is gut wrenching to go through.
Pink chip asked how I found out and that is where the lesson comes in. He had already told me about two affairs and it kind of went unsaid that there were more. So this morning I got him to tell me about this old affair that he had 11 years ago that I didn't know about.
I inserted my own will and I got hurt!!!! I didn't trust my God to tell me what I need to know when I needed to know it. For some reason I felt like I needed to test God and look what happened! I'm on the phone crying to my sponsor, oh poor me! He cheated! and my AH, who is working a very strong program had to go back and revisit the stuff that he is most ashamed about.
INSERTING MY OWN WILL OVER SITUATIONS AND PEOPLE DOES NOT WORK FOR ME!!!!!
It hasn't worked for me in the past (hello!?! That's how I got here in the first place!!) !!!!
And it didn't work for me this morning!!!!
Now if I can just remember that it won't work for me in the future either I'll be golden!!!:)
It really sucks when I have to learn a lesson the hard way....
Unfortunately, alcoholism sometimes lowers the defenses and affairs begin. Another problem added to a bigger problem of the drinking itself.
Ive told this story many times on this board, that my XAH had an off again on again affair with a woman for over 10 years. My mistake was in thinking that what other woman would want an alcoholic? believe me there are plenty. This woman went on a quest to get herself pregnant and complicate matters even more by giving birth to twins. She picked the perfect victim, the alcoholic, he had always made it clear to me that he ddnt want children when we got married and I agreed, I was already 37 and had enough problem pregnancies and had a daughter by my 1st husband. When he finally told me about the kids, he told me that he still didnt want kids and had told her that he didnt want them. But the booze won out. He did take financial responsibility for the twins, but didnt have any interest.
His reasoning for not wanting them was he didnt want to bring anymore alcoholics into the world. Being both his parents were and his brothers. Well, too bad he left one thing out, condoms, thats how out of it he was most of the the time, and he had blackouts as his disease got progressive.
Im of the belief and I dont mean to diminish your pain in finding out about affairs they may have had. I too had to deal with the pain. Remember this, women are not their lovers, alcohol is, this is the heart of the matter. Behaviors are the result. As long as they are drinking, there behaviors will be unstable.
The solution is sobriety, when drinking they do things they would not ordinarily do. Our part in it is , what are we going to do?? Its up to us. You cant make an alcoholic behave or expect anything else except alcoholic behavior.
Stick with the program, with solutions in mind or its never ending stuff of the same.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 6th of May 2011 01:30:39 PM
I learned my first lessons about being "cheated" on when I was in elementary school and because of my low self esteem and self worth I expected it would be a part of my future thereafter "Oh poor me!!" All of my addicted spouses "cheated" (had other higher priority than I or family) affairs and it was enough to drive me to suicide attempts. Disloyalty, disrespect, dishonesty and the dis-ing S U C K S!! and then I have to deal with the part of "When they screw up...why do I feel like killing myself?"
Thank God for the rooms of Al-Anon because I could look at all of those past events and change myself in response to them. Learning acceptance of the fact that they actually took place rather than the morality of it all was huge for me. Learning not to judge them but focusing on myself and my feelings, thoughts and behaviors also showed me where and how I could respond differently to events such as these. I was and am not still anyone's angel and I am not a saint or the only son of my HP either. I learned to forgive "them" when I learned to accept responsibility for my own actions and to forgive myself. As long as there is another person in my life and most especially if that person is altered by an addiction more powerful than us I stand a chance of becoming less than...if I participate and allow it. The past is a very good teacher. Lovely thread and responses...((((hugs))))
