Protecting myself - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Protecting myself

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Me Debs, I changed when someone died, it all started in 2000, mum died mellenium night, and then my brother a few weeks later and then the following year, a close friend same age as we all were back then 40, teenage children, pretty much all the same same, it was a tough time, she died of breast cancer, I went through many emotions, so much loss and so many different cirumstances, mum died of old age, brother took his own life, best friend it was the luck of the draw, could of been any one of us, I was left reeling, fast forward 11 years I am 51 next week, and i noticed it can become an invisable age,If you let it, I did what you did after mum died, went and found a serrogote, it was a neighbour, she had terminal c, I needed to love someone she allowed me and trusted me enough, and I was very prvilidged to have her in my life, during that 11 years most everything I did was my need to love, the jobs I went for, it was all about love and the lack of, and the greif,, but I began to change, as a I matured, it was when my daughter finished uni and went travelling, I had more time on my hands the invites to things started to dwindled and stopped, and I knew it was the end of a chapter, she has relocated now and is very happy, I am happy she is happy but I miss her terribly although I would never tell her that.

I can look back at all that now and understand what it was all about, why I felt what I felt, why I did what I did, back then I didn't think, it was just instinctive to have to do what I had to do. I am not quite like that now though, but I still have a need inside me to love, I am the same with animals too, I have had some right ones with attitude, I never tried to change them though, that was their nature and I could and did, accept them completely and utterly as they were, I loved the ones with attitude, possibly more.

But I think your talking about something very special, I know I have it too, it's alove of life which goes weigh beyond anything money can buy, and I think you need to share it just like alanon for it to grow, and maintain us, and for me it's? another person that feels the same joy we feel over the things that matter most, it's genuine not forced, you know when you go and tell them you just decorated your new cabin say, and they come and see it, and you just know they get you on all levels.

Now we just had the royal wedding here and people were partying and celibrating, all around me down my street, people having barbacues and I felt sad then, I wasn't part of anything or invited, but then I thought, hold on a min, you could of had a party yourself and invited folk.

They call our time of life the change, lol, I have always kept people at arms length kind of, see thats a revelation for me right there, I went out to get my needs met, but never fully invited them here, it gave me just waht I needed but not enough to feel fully ok, jeez this is a control issue, flash flash, light bulb moment, or as my daughters old head master would say the tingle factor.

I know I would just love you to bits in real life, what am I saying?

I do love you to bit's.

Katy

x

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Debilyn, YES, YES, Yes. I so relate to your posting. My husband recently died--rather unexpectedly. It has been a huge time of loss for me--my sister, my best cat (Manx rescue--13yrs. old), and my husband--the brightest light of my life for 25yrs. HUGE economic change--forclosure of three houses! I am packing to move--finally donated one closet of his clothes yesterday--held my dogs and cried for hours afterward.

I feel like I have just molted one skin---but have not yet grown an effective new one. My only answer as to what propels me forward is something spiritual in nature. I think it is carrying me even though I am not aware of it much of the time.

Oh my, yes. I have had every thought that you have described. It all sounds so familiar to me. Always feel free to ask me any specific question you want. (what is a Jw??)

Love, Otie

OH, almost forgot---I have been screwed by so many renters I cannot tell you. I am so glad to be out of rental business soon. Never again. Renting is such a business deal--decisions made from sympathy/empathy only will kill you!

-- Edited by Otie on Friday 6th of May 2011 08:02:32 AM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn,

I have had a similar experience on grief as a result of friendships gone south. It was a person (unknown to me) with whom I had grown close to in the program who asked me to sponsor them for which I did. I walked them through the steps, up through step five, sharing much like my sponsor did on my personal experiences from my fourth step to this person. We were friends for years, this became very close to my family. Long story short, this person stole a lot of money from me and outed my alcoholic in a very public way which was extremely hurtful. They used any personal information I shared with them and spilled it everywhere... I would call throwing bombs. I did call police, but they said it was a civil matter, out of their hands. For me, I don't care if I am outed as an alanon, but I did care when someone who does not publically identify themselves as an AA REALLY pissed me off.

When all this started, I wished they were dead. I have had to pull out all of my program Kung Foo on this issue to release this person with love. I am still praying for this person, two years later. It caused great harm not just to me, but my family as well. I am so glad I have tools and a program to use to help release some of the grief, hurt, and anger.

Thank you for sharing your experience. And, I just love your animals! {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}TC

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

((( debilyn ))) My initial intuitive thought is, do you take their death as a rejection personally? Do you feel you are afraid of opening yourself up again, out of the fear of rejection or getting hurt in some other way.

Animals are safe and they are unconditional love batteries. I see them as angels doing HP's work, loving us in the moment, they live in right now and they love and accpet and forgive. Animals are gentuinely loving and accpeting of themselves, I think this is why we feel so confident around them, bc that is the way they are. People on the other hand, we can often doubt ourselves or maybe we are not trustworthy, we can always trust animals bc they wont reject us. But we still do need some boundaries with our beloved animals too! Boundaries show others that we have self resepct and that we practise self care.

It took me many years of settting boundaries and then learning to discern who was trust worthy and who was not, based on results of the boundaries. I had to learn to not trust others or expose myself so much, so that I was left so very vulnerably exposed and with no way of protecting myself. At that time, I was still seeking something from them, in return. I had to let go of my expectations about them and myself -and- I had to love me so much on the inside, first, that if they did reject me, I made it about them and not me. For ex: if they could not accept a boundary of mine, then they did not "need" or "deserve" to have me in their lives. If they could, they would have accepted it and had respect for me. So then I think, they dont resepct themselves, they are probably an A. I let them go. I do not beg and hope others will accept me and respect me now - I do it for me first and it then ripples out to others. People that have self respect and self value, appreciate it when others use boundaries too, that is very healthy!

My bf and I took this personality test on the iphone (the test is better and has more detailed info about your personality on the smart phones, than on the computer site of the actual test, anyway) it breaks down the personality into 45 possible traits of 2 poles each (meaning there are 90 different "traits" and they are paired with their "opposites") ok Im saying all of this - bc my bf and I took it and my mom and her bf took it. What was so extraordinary for me was to see how they merely lacked some traits that I have. Fair enough, simple enough, ok but I wanted my bf to understand me and be empathetic. I felt my mom and my bf were a little cold sometimes. I learned that they both have the trait of "solitary" and not "frienly" like I have. They are also both having the trait, "independent" and I have the opposing trait of "social" in great contrast to the both of them! So see, they arent cold, they are independent and solitary ~ I was taking that personally, instead of merely accepting they are different than I am and accpeting them with love and detachment, not omg they dont like me! It is not personal. Maybe you just really like being alone (I know I need a lot of alone time as an only child) and maybe you are also more independent &/or solitary. It is ok, others may not be able to handle it, but that is a reflection of them, not you. Take extra special care of YOU and do what you want you and do it when you are ready.

Sometimes forcing myself out is great and other times, it back fires. I think listening to what you really need and want, is the most telling and important thing. Keep working it and loving and nurturing YOUrself through it! TC & GB!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

the cute little house is a total mess. Almost all the windows are broken,holes in walls, screens tore up, garbage everywhere.

They stole my debit card, and I believe some expensive fencing my friends had been storing on my other property.

I have enough info I found to track them down.

It mostly makes me sad for them. They could have talked to me. Left me things to sell like the saddle I gave them... I know how hard things are. But to do this to a person they know is very devoted to God and doing right is not good. Lieing to me is also not good either.

Her mom is a JW too. She has studied the Bible, she knows what they have done is very wrong. In my beliefs this is the worst becuz they hurt the creator. That hurts me more than anything.

I will be ok. Got things in line to rent pasture for a few horses. I can trust horse people.

Kitty your share helped me a lot. I do like to live alone and be alone most the time. its not that I don't deeply love people. If someone wants to come over, I always say of course!

No death is not personal to me. I believe it has caused some serious scaring in me. BUT in many, many ways I am stronger.

I liked what you said about finding what i really want. I do love to be home. Always have. I do not feel lonely at all. I am happy. I do want to go to my meetings on Sunday if I can physically.

If a JW guy interested me, I would love to be friends.

huggen ya back girl.

TommyC. Oh I am do sad you went thru that! ick. sounds like you really thought of the most loving thing to do.

I just don't hold grudges at all anymore. I am not even mad at the tenants. I mean what a waste of energy. I learned that my HP is who will take care of their choices not me. I am out of this. Its not personal, it is evil, I want no partof it.

I love my fur and feather faces too! I brought my black newfy a brightly colored stuffed animal. She looked so cute carrying it around,laying on it sitting by it with one paw on it....lol

Oh tommyC! dogs went nuts last night, I saw my first raccoon! Was so pretty, a fairly young one. So clear eyed and healthy. Of course I put some wetted dog food out....

love,deb

Geez otie I already went thru all that, you don't have to do it too! OH honey. Are you alone? have kids?

I sure hope you have help. Don't be afraid to ask. Do you have somewhere to go where you will be ok?

I may be having someone basically stay at my bigger house to watch things as I rent the pasture.

He just called me and there are two people there already and not suppose to be!

oh well I know what you mean.

Its so much better Otie to keep things so simple. I am like you, so done with tenants. My cute clean little trailor is unliveable now.

oh well. huggen ya.keep in touch!

Katy you little ray of sunshine! thank you for making me think.yes you are right. I am having so much fun making this a cute home. Hung an old wood horse thing that was used between two horses when they pulled a wagon.

I hung those older looking bells like they used to put on the wagons, that brought the material, pots and pans, canning things out to the prairie homes or homes way away from town, hung the bells from the horse thingy on the front gate.

You could hear the bells and knew he was coming!

I look in at my place full of flowers and antique by the shop. dog toys all over. Nice pile of wood. All tidy and clean. Birds all over the place, dogs happy running around playing, barking at the log trucks!

you are right. it is me. (c: Looks alive and welcoming.

You really made me feel good. hugs,deb

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Debilyn, thank you for your touching concern for me. Gosh--sincere human emotion counts for so much, especially when it is low tide.

I didn't give much information. Yes, I have a place for me and my animals. I am renting a house around the corner that has a fenced back yard, but is much smaller and costs less than the astounding mortgage I was carrying. I have enough income to live on as long as I am frugal. Good thing I was born frugal and devloped survival skills as a child.

Debilyn, I know that you have gone through so much of the same pain that I am facing right now. Seeing you go forward and find the daily joys has inspired me since I have been coming to this board. Yes, I have 3 grown children---they are why I have come to alanon---Grrr.

Back to your origional question, Debilyn. I believe that we are all changed in some ways when we experience significant losses. I don't think there is any way around it. HOWEVER, I don't think our capacity for living life, loving again, finding joy in the world around us is lost forever. Deb---I don't think you have lost it---I see you preparing to admit love and people back in again or you wouldn't be asking the very questions and feeling the risk that you are feeling. Love is always risky, isn't it. But, without some risk there is no growth.

I always picture our hearts like this after being ravaged by pain and loss: Like driving past some forest land right after a forest fire. All you can see is desolation, and charred smoldering remains of all things living. Despair is the only emotion to associate with this scene. Fast forward 2yrs., then 5yrs., then 10yrs., etc. Slowly and quiely, over time, Nature moves forward and replaces the horribleness with beauty and life again. Same gound, same place, not exactly the same--but good and, in its own way, sweet.

(what is a jw??)

Love, Otie smile smile smile

-- Edited by Otie on Saturday 7th of May 2011 07:20:46 AM

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