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So Mothers Day is supposed to be a celebration, a good day, right?Well, to me, its just another holiday and with holidays always come problems. Ive come to hate the holidays.My brother and sister-in-law are the ones in the family that can do no wrong, can say anything without consequences, and take full advantage of my mom in many ways (child care, laundry, money, etc)dont know if it makes a difference but we were raised in an A home, and my brother drinks a lot usually they monopolize all the holiday functions with what they want to do (which is nothing more than a beer barbeque in his back yard).For Mothers day, my sister-in-law called my sister to say that my mom should cook and make chicken salad for them and her mother and they would all come over (and sit on their buts while my mom and me,sis clean up behind them).So, I guess thats their plan.However, me and my sister wanted to get my mom and step-dad a great night away followed by a nice brunch with the family in the morning.My mom said she liked this idea, but what about the brother and sister? What about them?They already had their plans set for the afternoon? My mom convinced me to send out an invite to the sister-in-law to invite them to brunch any-ways, (against my wish but I did it for my mom), cause then she said they couldnt say I didnt invite them so I did and of course received a nasty email back with sarcasm because it wasnt there idea, or they couldnt afford it or it was too long of a drive (keep in mind they spent over 200 dollars on a jumpy thing and ribs for their beer barbeque last weekend and they will drive an hour to see their friends for a beer night, but not for my mom I guess).And of course when I told my mom about the comment, it was UGH, oh MsLouise, dont start.I dont even want to go.I may just take my son and do my own thing..sorry to ramble but this is years of frustration in the making.
wow! I can relate totally to this. I know how it is to have a nice plan and to have the famil;y not be interested and try to ruin it.
You need to do what is going to be fun for YOU. It is mother's day and you can certainly take some special time out with your kiddo to enjoy it with just the two of you, instead of or in conjunction with doing it with the rest of them. I got sick of feeling taken advantage of and never having fun and no one caring about how i felt in the situation(s). This is up to YOU, get your own self respect by listening to what you do in fact want and doing it. Others will be miserable and do it their way, that is a choice that I do not have to make with them, they can have it and you can do something entirely different.
I just got back from a visit with my mom and her bf and I was very upset with myself for giving my mom more respect, then I gave to my own self in a certain situation. It is up to me to stand up for myself. Just bc I think my mom ought to stand up for herself, it does not mean she ever will or I have any control over that fact, she will have to take a risk to do that for herself or not. I do not have to judge her for that either, her choices are not the ones I would make for myself and that is okay, we are two different people. It is only important that we can live with ourselves and our own choices, it does not matter a hill of beans, if they agree with us or if they dont. This is YOUr life and you want to feel good about what you are doing.
Holidays are about us, they are about our deeper feelings and it is a time to take a pause to be extra grateful for our blessings. If you break with tradition and want to create some new ones, I think that is amazing, way to take back holidays for yourself.
If others find your plans too challenging and they cannot make it, that is okay too, that is thier choice and perrogative. It is impossible to please everyone, let alone ourselves. Work to do what gives you self resepct and you will feel better anyway. At least if we work to please ourselves, then u have the guarantee that one person may end up happy and that is all you can control ~ YOU. You can also choose to not buy into their excuses or justifications, who cares what the reasons are, they are personal ones and we all make our own choices.
My MIL was very saddened by the fact that her two children decided to not spend holidays together anymore. Just bc we think or are told it 'is only perfect when we are all together' that is an illusion and a fantasy. We all know growing up in addicted families that nothing is ever perfect. It is all about manipulation. You can choose to not participate in the manipulation and do what genuinely is wonderful and nurturing and supportive of YOU and others can accept that or not. If they have to tell you how wrong you are, maybe you dont need to listen to that brainwashing anymore. It is very easy to be hateful and demanding and cause a big dramatic scene, that is our programming from the family and it is always the same. We do know who will complain about what and why. Who cares, they are not more important than you are or more imortant than your own needs are. Our needs are not negotiable and our wants & fantasies are irrelevant. Mother's day is for all mothers (of creation) and all children. It is okay to take care of YOU and leave the rest of them to their HP/gods and their own consequences.
If your mom wont be happy if it is not "just right" in her picutre postcard mind of what a perfect family is - know that is only a delusion. Let her have it. Either way, you cannot make her happy or not, that is her choice to make and happiness/peace are inside jobs.
It was hard with Christmas this year and it was just his mom, my bf and me but we had tons of great food, lovely music, nice warm conversations. No, we were not all together and it was okay, we had fun and enjoyed each other. By the end of it, we were sayng how peaceful the day was and how we hope all of our future holidays are going to be more about what is better for our peace of minds. I am sure they had fun going to excess and complaining about what we were not doing. I still dont know how the rest of them felt about Christams but for my bf and his mom, they said it was their best Christmas ever and there was no drama.
This is your life, your program, your reality. Take no prisoners, it is a free country, they can be a part of it or not and we can learn to detach with love and let them have their choices and consequences. We can choose what we want and need too.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
MSLousie, What always helped me with difficult people in my life whether it be family, friends, or coworkers is to say:
They can't give what they just don't have.
It was so very helpful for me to stop expecting and start accepting them who they are at this very moment. My life changed and the relationships within my family changed as a result. As for friends, well, I lost a few too. No longer was I willing to go to the hardware for bread as the reading in Courage to Change on pp 2 states.
It gets better. My boundary with my inlaws this year is I decided I am no longer going to throw the parties at my home. We began this on Easter. I nor my husband are not coming up with the plan for everyone. The expense, the ingratitude, and the clean up just isnt worth it anymore. We are sitting back, creating our plan B to go out to eat for ourselves. That is music to my ears and I am grateful for it.
I hate 'family organised' holidays....there's always a grumbling undercurrent, usually too much drink consumed by people who hardly see each other outside of certain holidays..... and as I shut the door on them at the end of the day I always said 'never again' (until the next time)!
I used to be the one who was ' designated host'.....my spare room was the best for gatherings, apparently, & I got sucked right into that one....WHY?........arrogance & ignorance! I would run myself ragged to make it all perfect and be so exhausted on the day that Id be boiling with resentments. So busy pleasing everyone else that I was neglecting myself and having no fun at all.
Al-anon has certainly changed my perspective and Ive now said NO to quite a few things, with a plan B in place so I cant be 'persuaded' to change my mind. I apply it to all things not just family gatherings .
We've already had Mother's day her in the UK, I was invited to have lunch with my daughter & grand-daughter....other's tried to escalate it into a bigger gathering, we,( daughter & I) said NO....and had a lovely day.
Do what is right for you to enjoy your Mothers day with your son.
Thank you all for your insight : ) I related so much with what you all said
Kitty, I love this that you said ......"I was very upset with myself for giving my mom more respect, then I gave to my own self in a certain situation"....which I feel like I did in this situation amounst others like it...but live and learn. Your x-mas was much like mine this past year - I stayed with my new bf, my son and me....best x-mas ever!!! No drama, nothing just laughs and fun!!!
Sounds like a bunch of good ideas I can take to heart...thank you Ness - I hate family organized holidays too - cause it is exactly what you said - people who you hardly see, drinking in mine of course, and alot of work for some people that usually don't appreciate all that goes in!!! Never again I agree!!!
TommyCat - I don't know if I can do the "start accepting them who they are at this very moment" thing....I mean, this to me would mean I would brushing lots of things under the rug and accepting their behavior in a way??? Unless you mean for example, I just have a nice visit accept them for that day (like a brunch) and that's it. But isn't that fake? I don't do well at fake these days....I'm sure I am missing the point of this....so If I am I am sorry....
