The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
A few days ago, I posted about my boyfriend who has been smoking pot and has a tendency to binge drink. We went out Monday to ride bikes, but I hadn't let go of some doubts and some restentment I had towards him. I had been resentful that he made plans to go on a bike ride with me, but left work early last Wednesday to take two girls he knows who are his pot smoking party friends of his who are also 21 years younger than him. Though, he apologized, my trust with him had totally deminished and wasn't so happy with his actions. So, though I really didn't intend to totally break it off, I told him that "he is a free man!" He agreed and said he's not sure he is ready to have a girlfriend right now. I really really didn't mean to scare him away by sticking up for myself! I had also posted here that I didn't what to do about my "facebook" status, silly enough! I decided to let it be and not try to hurt him like that. I even wrote him an email simply stating that I loved him. He wrote me back with a lengthy email saying that he is so angry. That when we went to the beach on Monday, he was going to take me to a nice restraunt on the pier and have a great day with me, but that I messed the day up with accusing him of being a flake. I hadn't called him a flake, I just said that I didn't like flakey behavior and that people who smoke pot end up flaking on their friends. I didn't write back to his angry email because he said he needed time to cool off and I knew I did too. Today he deleted me as a friend on facebook and changed his status to single. I am in such shock. I blame myself. I feel I am the one to blame for it not working out. I could've just remained calm and not gotten so angry with him about last week. I could've have not said anything that would have caused us to break up. I feel so sick and so sad. I have heard in Alanon that rejection is God's protection. I really did want this relationship to work. I did make it to an Alanon meeting last night. The topic was on resentment, coincidently.
I know you must be hurting, but you probably doged a big bullet. I wish I would get dumped. Not really, but being in love with someone with such big issues is extremly hard and wears thin.
I would change my FB status to single if I were you.
Good luck, and I really do mean that. (I am sitting here at seven pm and my guy is passed out) Ugh!
Hi there andream, I am glad you made it to a meeting and came here. I am sorry you are hurting. Have you read the book Getting Them Sober or Codepenedent No More. I am currently going through a divorce and I am feeling very alone, but these books and a few others are keeping me going while I focus on myself and get healthier. I feel like I won't find a healthy mate until I do the work within myself first, so I am taking that time now. I don't want to be alone and I am hurt and sometimes get to stinkin thinking, but I have the tools to stop and put my mind on myself and what I can change and control that way in my future I have a real shot at a relationship without all the drama, like my AH hanging out in bars with other women and making me feel like a jerk when I stand up for myself or want family time together with our kids. I have dettached and am doing alright on my own and I know that my life will and has gotten better already. Let Go and Let God! I am starting to work the steps and found that helps to keep me focused also. It sounds like you are using meetings and MIP so good job!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
(((Andream))), I know how you feel but the feelings will pass. I was rejected too but it was funny because I was the one complaining that I was unhappy with my exA and his drinking. Somehow he pulled the rug out and turned the tables on me. I panicked and wished I had done something different so he wouldn't have wanted to end the relationship. However in short time I realized I was saved from a terrible dysfunctional life. I did feel like my hp reached in and plucked me out of a nightmare. It wasn't easy to see but it became clearer and clearer the more I worked the program, improved myself, went to counseling and completely cut my exA out of my life. My divorced ended up being a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. All the A's problems were taken off me and placed back where they belong, on his shoulders.
Someone once reminded me how many people there are on this planet and not to get worried because there is someone else around the corner. Focus on yourself and one day when you're ready the right person will be waiting for you. Good luck and stay strong.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
This post brought to mind two of my favorite readings. If you have the Alanon book, Courage to Change, consider looking at the reading pp 2 on Jan. 2nd. It is a great reading for which this quote stood out for me: "It is our expectations not our loved ones that have let us down"
Another reading that sticks out in my mind is from One Day At a Time, PP 183 July 1st. My favorite part of it:
"That the man I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow. The gift of life is personally mine - as his life belongs to him - to ENJOY OR DESTROY, as each of us wishes.
I am glad you went to a face to face meeting. Keep sharing, Keep Coming Back.
What is that old saying "when one door closes, another one opens?"
To me, you have an option here - you can focus on the negative, and what you have lost - i.e. boyfriend, hopes/dreams with him, etc.... OR - you can take this as an opportunity - an amazing opportunity to grow & learn, and to choose recovery for yourself...
Life is full of bumps along the road, and subsequent opportunities for growth and learning..... the perpectives we bring to these situations dictate who we are, and how well we muddle through...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds like a whole lot of how you were willing to change a lot to satisfy him and to make the relationship work but it wasn't going both ways. You didn't like his pot smoking anyhow. Now you get to choose a more responsible grown up guy without those issues.
I did make it to an Alanon meeting last night. The topic was on resentment, coincidently.