Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What On Earth Do I Say To Daughter?
Post Info TOPIC: What On Earth Do I Say To Daughter?
Tattyhead


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 328
Date:
What On Earth Do I Say To Daughter?
Permalink  

Oh dear - Daughter has just texted me: - "I can't talk on the phone at the mo but I've been really worried about (Partner). he doesn't sleep - he only eats when I make him and he's down all the time". (He did have a problem last year when he was sacked from his job. He has another very good job now but Daughter thinks the events of the last year have caught up with him). She is trying to get him to see his Doctor but he won't go. She said she "doesn't  to burden me with it all because of the probs with Dad - but doesn't want him going the same way"  I must say, and I haven't voiced this to her - I have noticed Partner drinks an awful lot. I know I am particularly sensitive to it but I can't bear to think of her going through what I am going through now. I rang her and suggested she came round for a cup of tea after work tomorrow. What do I say? I like Partner very much and they are obviously very much in love - but the thought of my precious daughter going through the nightmare which has been my life these last few years .......... Any suggestions sincerely welcomed.

 



__________________
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

Aloha Tatty...I know from experience that there are more than just a few chairs in an Al-Anon meeting.   Best suggestion? (from my experience that is) find the meeting get in the car together and go together.   Do it for you and let her do it for herself.  Pass it on!!  ((((hugs)))) smile

 

and too it's call the Al-Anon Family Groups.



__________________
Red Hawk


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 39
Date:
Permalink  

Not only does he have a drinking problem, but it also sounds like he's sinking into a depression. He needs help on both fronts, but regardless of whether or not he's willing to acknowledge that he needs help, your daughter definitely does. If it were me, I'd just tell her calmly some of the things I deal with and express my sincere concern that she may soon be facing some of those same things (if she isn't already). I'd let her know that I love her and would be hurt to see her get hurt like I've been, and that I'll always do my best to be there for her, but that I would never try to get her to make a decision based on what I think is best for her - I'd honor her decisions and her right to make them and to be a person independent of me, just like I raised her to be. Then I'd mention Al-Anon (maybe even have local meeting information available beforehand) and ask if she might be interested in attending a meeting with me. Then I'd leave it at that. If she wants to go, fine; if not, I'd go by myself. I probably wouldn't mention it again. She'd know the invitation is there should she ever change her mind, but I have a feeling that even if she doesn't want to go at first, she may decide differently after seeing the positive changes in me after I've been going for a while.

Best wishes,

Red Hawk



__________________

My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed.
I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely,
with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.
A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
sunny123


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 50
Date:
Permalink  

I don't have this particular experience but it seems like redhawk is on the right track. Hearing others' experiences about living with an A helped me make a decision to seek help and encouraged me to stick with my separation and file for divorce. I was so scared about the honest testimony on here that I knew my hp was helping me leave a bad situation that would have ruined my life. You can't pressure your daughter but you can let her know you are there for her. If she doesn't want to go to face to face then tell her you have some books and literature if she wants to read it. Reading allowed me to dive in and get my feet wet. Good luck! We are hoping for the best. (((hugs!)))

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

My son is going thru the horror of his wife being A. What do I do? I listen.I share the Al Anon skills I know. I never talk about the A.I ask how he is, what do you want to do?

One thing I said to him was do you want a disease to lead you or do you want to choose for yourself what is best for you?

I shared that I have learned when we are done, we are done. That he will be sure when its time to let it go.

For me I just want him to know I am here to listen and not blame the A. What ever he does I support him.

I relate to you.It's so hard for us to not want to take their pain and stop it.

Thank goodness we have Al Anon! love,deb



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3854
Date:
Permalink  

If your not already this is a perfect time to suggest you both attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself .



__________________

I came- I came to-I came to be
Ness


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 619
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Tish

I've had similar with my daughters , now ex, husband. Turned out he is alcoholic, son of 2 alcoholics. Like your daughter mine did not tell me anything of her problems as we were going through hell with our Ason and she felt she couldn't add to it.......she just phoned me up one night and told me she had put him out.

She was not prepared to care-take him, he has many un-addressed issues regarding his family, and she wanted to be well and sane to be able to give her and her daughter stability. She has seen her brother's, and another family member's, descent into the disease and knows the insanity all too well.

Like you I was aware he was drinking more than was healthy, aware he was the son of A's, but they seemed happy and he was running a thriving business. I did notice my daughter had got very thin and tired but put it down to her working, running a home and having all the demands of a lively toddler. Turns out he was subjecting her to horrific verbal abuse and I know from others, although she has never said, the he was slapping her around.

I had been just a few months in Al-anon when she told me. Since then, 2 years now, I feel by me working the programme regarding my son she is picking it up by osmosis...I have been able to share 'tools' with her, and Im proud of the way she is turning her life around. She has been to one meeting but there are none near her and with a child she just cant do it.

She agreed to family mediation but trying to mediate with an active drunk.....well we know where that goes. They agreed to divorce.

The ex still tries to yank her wire, engage her in his chaos but she doesn't react, stays detached the best she can and keeps the focus on her health and well being first.

He is still drinking, has lost his driving licence for 3 years, run his business into the ground and is now bankrupt. She has secured herself a good job, bought him out of the house, (with some financial help from us) has a brilliant group of friends and has recently found herself a manfriend, nothing serious but he treats her the way she deserves to be treated. Her divorce is final next week, her life is good.....day at a time.

I know you don't have meetings you can go to but you have lots to offer your daughter from what you have given and received here at MIP.

In support

((((hugs)))) Ness x



__________________
tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1594
Date:
Permalink  

I just wanted to thank you for sharing and continue to encourage you as others have to go to an alanon meeting for yourself and perhaps with your daughter.

{{{{HUGS}}}}}
tc

__________________
canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2962
Date:
Permalink  

I'm with the others.... a loving suggestion to your daughter that there is "help available" in the vein of Al-Anon to her, and then back away - giving her the dignity to make her own choices in this...

 

Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1221
Date:
Permalink  

I am in the opposite shoes. I am the daughter and I am with an alcoholic/addict. I come from a long line of alcoholic/addict men and co-dependent women. My mom is now married to a man who drinks to feel normal, is a happy drunk I guess and is happy with her life the way it is. She doesn't go to Alanon. She has heard me speak of it. She has also said she doesn't want me to be with the guy I am with if he is drinking. After she said that, she never said it again. She won't go to Alanon with me, and though she knows AA helped her own brother become sober (21 years now), she doesn't feel she needs Alanon. I know I need it. I know I need to get to a meeting. I know I need to work the steps because my disease is going to kill me if I don't. So all I can say is what works for me is planting the seed.

__________________

-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Tattyhead


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 328
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you so much for thoughtful posts. As always, you managed to make me feel better!

Daughter came round for a cup of tea and chat when she finished work. It sounds as if her Partner is very depressed. He has a lot of past family problems and last year when he lost his job and was out of work for 6 months, his confidence was really shot. He has been very fortunate in getting another job (from 94 applicants) but he is constantly worried he is going to do something wrong or not be good enough. My daughter thinks everything has just "come up and hit him". She is trying to get him to see the family doctor but he doesn't want to go. He is not sleeping, not eating properly and yes, he is drinking too much. She is a psychiatric nurse which gives her insight but as she says, your training goes out of the window when it is someone close to you. I could only listen, let her know I am here for her and tell her she must try to encourage him to see his doctor. We both think he would benefit from some counselling.

 Oh dear, you never stop worrying about your kids, do you? No matter how old they are!

Thanks again for caring

Tish xxx



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What On Earth Do I Say To Daughter?