The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You haven't said if you have joined the fellowship or not...so I'll respond as if you haven't. When I was in your shoes finding others I could sit with and listen to about what they went thru, what they found out about it and how they changed how they responded to their situation was gold for me. It helped me take the focus off of my alcoholic/addict wife and looking for solutions from her. She couldn't stop drinking and wouldn't be able to find solutions to her problems so wasn't able and qualified to sooth mine or participate in ours.
Trial separation could me a good thing to keep her away from you so you can come meet others who have been on your journey also so that you can listen, learn and practice something new. Trial separation is one of her solutions...what is one of yours?
you can use the suggestion above as you like if it is different than what you are doing now. (((hugs)))
Yes I'm a grateful member of al-anon although I've not been to a f2f meeting for a while. I do try and get to online meetings too but with a small child and zero family support it's difficult...
Some of the meetings in our town have childcare -- you might ask if some of them to in your town.
In my experience counseling (Relate etc.) does not help as long as one person is an active drinker -- they don't even have the capacity to look at things rationally, even if they want to. Counseling would have been good for me if the counselor had had real experience with addiction, but even though they said they could advise me, none of my counselors turned out to have real knowledge of it. Their advice seems laughable in retrospect, if it hadn't been so harmful.
One question I always had, and still have, was why my partner could treat me so badly, and take me so much for granted, and yet when he would say he didn't want to be with me, I'd be devastated. Surely it should have been the other way around? I can only think that he was addicted to his substance (alcohol etc.), which always took first place, and I was addicted to my substance -- him.
I hope you can get to some more meetings and take good care of yourself.
Jitsuka - Hi - I'm also in the UK. My son is 30 but he has a learning disability which means he functions around the age of 10 - 12. It is very difficult and leaving is fraught with problems. I am the only one earning and AH is dependent on me physically as well as financially - and I am legally bound to support him financially. I understand the complexity (both emotionally and practically) of just upping and leaving (although those who have never had the same problems seem to think this is an easy thing to do). I cannot leave my husband now - just regret I didn't leave him years ago - and you do have to think long term, especially with your daughter. Do you want to put her through years of stress and uncertainty? Of course you don't - and that is what will inform what path you follow next.
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Wednesday 4th of May 2011 04:52:19 PM
I am so glad you have attended Alanon before. I can pass on to you what my guy friends in the program have said to me. There is a Face to Face Men's Stag meeting in our area that 50 - 60 guys attend each week. Should that interest you, contact your local Alanon information center and find out when they are held.
Also, please consider going to any face to face Alanon meeting in the mean time. The love and support of the group really helped when I was struggling feeling like I had no where to turn, and no options in front of me.
Thank you for posting. You will be in my prayers {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} TC
