The material presented
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hi everybody, ok, my dilema: a month ago i verbally left my husband. he is 5 months sober but i have so much to learn and so much recovery to do i was feeling like it would be best to part ways. but last thursday we were both over run with emotion we both agreed me love each other and want to work it out. it was like we were both drunk on emotion it was over the top. he told his friend that he was going to rent a room from him and now his friend needs to know if he is moving in or not. tonight we are going to have the talk and decide. i meant everthing i have ever said....i love him, he isthe father of my son, i have also said i need space to heal and find myself again. i feel i have been lost for years. part of me want him to be on his own and get organized and learn how to live life on his own without leaning on me. sometimes his weight is too much to bear. the other part wants us to work through our problems together at home. he is very dependant on me...i do everyhing. he will only if i ask him.....i know....its a guy thing, but pair that up with the behaviour of an alcoholic, and i feel like i have a teenager in the house. not sure what to do, my heart is torn. any word of advice or stories??????
"...and i feel like i have a teenager in the house." That is a perfect metaphor for living with an alcoholic at times. My step-father was exactly like that and so were other alcoholics I known including yours truely. When we start drinking we stop growing on all levels and our partners become our unwilling parents if they choose.
The over the top emotions for me are a part of the insanity because it was just knee jerk energy and a decision to "play house" again.
The disease is a serious condition...if it is not arrested by total abstinence and treatment of some kind or the other there isn't much hope except for the same thing over and over again while expecting or hoping for different results. Insanity!!
Before that decision why not (if you haven't already) try a different decision...come and sit in the rooms of Al-Anon where you will find lots of others who have been or are in your same situation and swapping solutions on how to change it for you. The rooms, fellowship, literature and practice of the program creates sanity so that the next decision can be made for the right reason and more fitting.
If you already are attending give yourself some time to "get" the program and practice it before making the decision. You can only do it for you...He has got to find help other than you cause you didn't cause his alcoholism, have never controlled it and cannot cure it. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Dawny...Everything you write is a scene from my own life. I understand...but the reality is that this is a progressive disease. Try to get to a meeting. It can be intimidating and scary to walk into a room of strangers .... but keep going and listen...there are answers for you there. God Bless and Good luck
I would say to print out your own words here and cling to them, you say you need space and you also want to work on your relationship together but it was a little too passionate in the moment. We need clear headedness, we need calm to be able to respond in a healthy way to our situations.
I would say, why not take some time right now, allow him to go rent a room from his friend and you both take time to work on your relationship and to work on your parenting. Some days, that is asking a lot from us. It is okay to live apart for a while, to re-evaluate your daily lives and your future goals. Take time to see, if you are both happy and able to communicate any better. Nothing wrong with taking space. We get so enmeshed and over whelmed with our past unresolved emotional issues with each other.
Is the friend willing to rent the room to him on a month by month basis? Let your AH work his own program and solve his own problems. If you need space, there is nothing wrong with taking that for a while to see how you both feel and handle it. Perhaps you can both use boundaries and work your programs and get some solid footing back in your own life. When we work a good solid program and learn to put us first and not take thier life choices personally, we can all begin to breathe a little easier and find that dignity and resepct for ourselves and offering space to each other, may foster that more easily.
If he is too dependent on you, give him some room and take some space, to grow up a bit, for him and for you to assert yourself, for YOU. Dont be afraid to embrace what is healthier for you. Allow him to define and determine the same.
On a side note, a lil trick I began to apply was to stop asking adults questions. I mean, in general, bc I found it was a way to stop controlling them. If an adult wants to share something with you, nothing will stop them, they will share it, give them that chance to come to you when they are ready and feel good, not when we demand it of them & vice versa. Learn to not attend every fight or (necessarily) answer every question that you get asked. It is often bait on all sides.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Dawny.... I just can't advise you on what is the best decision for you in your marriage or your life. I am unable to walk a mile in your shoes, feel what you are feeling, or know the facts you know.
I found my answer in Alanon. I too have a very similar story to yours minus sobriety. My Life Changed by going to meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and being an active member in my face to face group. Once I got busy focusing on myself, minding my own business, and keeping up with what is going on with me, I was able to CLEARLY see what is right FOR ME. I am afraid no one else can make that determination BUT YOU. A loving sponsor is a GODSEND.
If you don't have a sponsor, please consider getting a temporary one to get started. I found I was able to unravel my personal truth and find a peace and serenity with the choices I have made one day at a time.
kitty, thank you for such a lengthy response! i think i really needed to read your words. i felt so good when you said it was OK to take some time. I believe if it was meant to be, it will happen. i feel he is very dependant on me to keep the boat afloat, and i am codependant on his emotions. i need to not be, its weighing me down. last night was had the talk....to stay or to go? on his way home from work he texted me a billion text telling me he is done and he is going to move in with his friend and have a fun summer with a pool ad bbq's...etc.... he said he feels like we are roommates,not a couple. he said he sees our friends hugging and kissing and he wants that. if i cant give that to him he is going to find someone who will, he said he doesnt have time for this. i have been honest with him and told him that i have alot of healing to do and it will take time. i love him and in the long run want it t work out, but right now i cant give him a relationship that is perfect. i still get angry and sad from the stuff that went down just beforebhe went to rehab.....and there was some shit that happened! i do think space will help us both heal......thanks for listening!
sending light & love.. let time do its thing & work on you.. you are worth it- learning to FLY (finally loving yourself)! just to let you know im in a very similar situation with the teenaged boy in my midst. sigh. we`ll see how this all unfolds, wont we..
