The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When our vision was clouded by self-will, our perspective was narrow and subjective. We saw people and events only as they fostered or frustrated our egotistical concerns. The world was a frightening place, since we thought that our welfare was entirely dependent on our own efforts.
#####ROSIE.....my vision in the past was clouded by total helplessness/ hopelessness.......i had no sense of safety....no sense of nurturing/ protection/ i was alone!!! in danger!!! from within the home (the worst) and out in the world as well..... i had nowhere and noone with whom i could feel safe.......talk about a cynic.....i was absolutely convinced that i would not live to see my 20's....but somehow i did....i floated upon the top , scummy , layer of the pond of life, wondering which frog was going to stick its tongue out and **bleep* i would be gone!!!!! i was terrified of this life......no refuge to run to......it was a test in survival only......and what was saddest of all, back in those days, i had (or thought i did not have) no god in my life....people talked about it, but god was as remote to me as the farthest galaxy was....or he/she/it was punitive/ non caring/ jealous/ eager to send us to hell.......i knew i was the only one who was going to take care of me. and with my mental and emotional disabilities caused by my abuse, that was not only scary, but it exacerbated my hoplessness.....dying would not come soon enough....and there were occasions i tried to *help it along* with suicide attempts.....you know, looking back...i think my attempts to kill me where not because i wanted to **get rid of me* they were because i felt that was the **only* way i would ever feel safe!!!!! ..it makes me sad to think of this.....i wonder what god would have said to me if i had suceeded!!!!! would he have felt compassion??? would my death be the thing that made him **notice me/ my suffering??" i used to ask myself that.......now i feel he would have....he/she it would have shown me mercy..and love .....and the **noticing me?*** the source noticed all along!!!! it was the source who **kept me afloat* all these years, he interfered as much as **life-contract* would allow!!!! years later he was probably scratching him self raw wondering "when in the hell is she gonna get into the 12 steps, so i can get back to "Oprah" ???" so i know NOW, i did have **some benevolent energy source* behind the scenes .....like what else could have showed me how to **shut down/ disassociate* during that time to keep me sane??????? i am grateful i never was, nor will i ever be---- alone!!!! on my own!!!!!
Coming to believe in a Higher Power gives us a new, broader perspective. We learn the security of trusting eternal values and moral principles. When we pray only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out, we begin to see ourselves as serving rather than surviving. Particular acts may or may not be successful from our point of view, but we can move on in confidence, knowing that our past, present, and future is in His handsThe new perspective, which comes to us as we work the OA program, enables us to accept defeats as well as successes and irritations as well as satisfactions. All experience is for our growth and development.
#######ROSIE.....for me it was a **what if there is........?* type thought......my percpective, warped/ narrow/skewed by the abuse was not working--- so **maybe* just maybe there may be another way of thinking........and that being so---- why not give it a shot????? i had **run out of bullets* so i had to **go to plan b*......a new plan...i became open--- willing for a new **slant---take* on higher power......and i do see myself as not only surviving but living.....i still believe there is a lot of evil on this earth!!! i know!!! i lived with it!!! but i also believe there is a lot of good!!!! the great spirit is still in charge!!! i have this program....i have me.....i have my **Christ within*......i have a WAY!!!!! i am becomming less and less scared!!!!
