The material presented
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...I don't need you. Aloha Family...just felt like I should bring that on the board as my HP resurrected that experience in my mind as I was reading the ESHs. The title comes from a learning event long ago during the crazy to sane to crazy period and it came thru a good friend of my alcoholic wife at the time. I was struggling with detachment and hooked on old beliefs and practices that kept me tied to enabling the alcoholic and anyone else who my sick mind told me needed my intervention. My nickname in youth was "The Lone Ranger" ...not for the rescues and saves but for the running away from the family of origin.
My friend was telling me of another friend of her's who had been speaking to her husband during a separation who wanted to come back home and told him this..."I love you and I like having your here but I don't need you." My reaction to that new philosophy caused me to bolt and run from my friends home and I got several blocks away before my Al-Anon self had to pull over and think about what I had just heard. Only one word kept bouncing off of the walls of my head...NEED!! and then I would flip back to "love" for a second and then back to "NEED". I was just then learning that I didn't know anything about Love and had only been practicing need. I was following my addiction or else I could not live with myself and I "NEEDED" to be able to live with/with in myself and not continue to sacrafice my life for someone elses fixing.
I had work to do; real work, hard work, constant work, good work if I was to find the balance in my life and not trying to get to balance while holding a sick person responsible for it. I turned the car around and went back to my friends home and thanked her and discussed it a bit more to get the fuzzy edges off of a new idea which would change my life forever. It affected everything and everyone I came into contact with from that day on. I had to take care of "my" needs...God first, me next, others after...that is the real, sane, natural order of life for me today. Today I love you and I don't need you. Today I am a part of you and not you entirely and you are a part of me and not me entirely. My life is my responsibility and there is no limit to the number of choices and assets that are available to it to find peace of mind and serenity and those assets work as I pass them on and watch others use them in success. In the context of enabling..."need" is the addiction word or thought or behavior.
Done...thanks for the opportunity...Love you ((((hugs)))
Thanks Jerry, an issue close to my heart right now as I learn about love and try to let go of the need and neediness. It is good to read this. Freya. :)
A favorite Rascal Flatts song - I don't want to see you anymore, I'm just not that strong, I love it when you're here, but I'm better when you're gone. This post makes me think of those words.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Awwww LikeMyHeart...That's a great response...I've never heard that song and want to and when I get my hearing back (soon would be good God) I'll go looking for it.
Thanks Again Mr. Jerry for Always Sharing Your Leaps & Bounds... I struggled ALOT when I Got here, With NEEDING to Rescue others while I was Drowning inside, I can't say I don't slip from time to time and add 2 cents were it was better left alone, but I do now "Catch" myself mid way, and just Shut UP! ... ;0) I Can Now Realize... Listening is Tons Better then Inputting ...
My Faith has Always been there, but I never Let It Steer... I Just brought it out when I felt "I" Needed it... Today I know that HP Knows Way better then I, so Better off allowing Him to Steer & Navigate, & Me to just be a back seat Driver "Quietly"... Life Seems Easier for me, with the help I Now am Allowing myself to recieve from HP.. I just needed Some Tweeking... SO thanks again for the Added Tweek Today... Always Good to Stay in "check"... Your ESH Always Seems to Help with that...
Wishing you Smooth Sailings my Friend :) & YES...LikeMyHeart.... AWESOME Song
Jerry F, you hit the nail on the head for me right now. I am learning to not NEED people and find what I NEED from God and within. You stated it so eloquently and I am so happy you said what I NEEDED to hear today and it clicked. I just love this site and my Al-anon family group, so many smart people who are learning and sharing it for my own sake of growth. Thanks so much!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thanks for the great share, Jerry. I know I can easily turn "love" into "need" without even thinking about it.
I'm still taking a gentle look at the relationship I'd been in just recently and I could see my co-dependent traits already forming attachments to another person based on false needs.