I am really working on not allowing myself to be pulled into his *stuff*.  Last night when I went to pick him up from the interview, I knew that he had been drinking because when I called to find out where he was, he kept asking me where *I* was.  I knew when I parked across the street and watched a guy that ran the sandwich shop my bf had got a sandwich from was yelling at him to pick up his trash which he had left around the picnic table.  And I began to look at myself and wonder why I want to be doing this with him.  I wonder what is making me think any of this is ok?  So he got into the car, and the smell of vodka came off of him and of course that smell for me = instant attitude for me.  I bit my tongue and tried my hardest to keep my mouth shut.  It half worked.  I was scared for him when he said the guy was going to call the cops on him.  I drove him home and the evening continued on.  We ate supper.  And he hounded me to give him a ride to the package store.  I didn't.  I kept calm and cool and said no.  I kept trying to stay busy (very hard to do when you are being followed and asked a billion times to "take me to the store") but I did it.  I kept saying no and then saying saying something about what was on tv or whatever.  He was calm too, I guess me staying calm helped.  10 minutes before the liquor store closed he asked me again and then 5 minutes before and I said "no".  I didn't try to explain to him why, even when he asked why, I said just "not going anywhere right now". and then when the time came and he knew the store was closed (thank the gods the package stores close at 9pm around here and he doesn't go to bars) he went to bed all cranky, but to bed he went.  And all that time I did my own thing, talked with the kids, put them to bed and then got ready for bed myself.  I think I did ok, and I think even though that guilt I get for not giving in to what someone else wants came through, I read the responses I got to yesterdays posts and felt stronger about saying no to him. 

This morning, of course he wakes up sober and says he doesn't remember much and he just looked forlorn.  He helped make the kid's lunches and our lunch for work.  He made us coffees and sat and watched the news.  We spoke in the car and I had no idea what to say really just talked about mundane things. 

I am going to look to find a meeting I can actually make it to, I need to get going with my life now.  I need to do this for me.  I felt so strong this morning and I even thought, you know if I have to have him move out, I am sure that something good will happen so that I can afford the rent without his income.  I will get a second job if I have to and/or keep looking for work that pays better...  I know that something good will happen if I begin to look at only me and stop the insanity of my addiction to him.  I woke up this morning sick and tired of being sick and tired... you know what I mean. 

Thank you for reading if you got this far.  And thanks for your previous responses.