Need some blunt, honest feedback. Preparing for bf return from treatment - Al-Anon Family Group

tiffera · Newbie

Need some blunt, honest feedback. Preparing for bf return from treatment

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Speaking from experience , never try to get between a mother and her son ,blood is thicker than water .. His relationship with her is his business the min you try to * make him see the light * and how thier relationship affects him your walking on thin ice . Find meetings for yourself u need support from people who understand , forget what you think you know about alcoholism and how to change what you can . YOU !!!!! How do you treat him ? love him support his efforts at sobriety and basically leave his recovery to him . nothing you say or do will cause him to drink again were simply not that powerful .

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi Tiffera and welcome! I'm looking forward to the esh (experience, strength and hope) of others.

From my experience, trying to get my AH (alcoholic husband) to "see the light" with regards to his mom/family never ended well... even if my husband saw where I was coming from.. it still made him resent me or my role in saying it.

In Alanon, we learn the 3 Cs. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your actions/words or lack thereof won't make or not make him drink. He will drink if he wants to. period. I tried a thousand times to get my husband to stop, in a hundred different, progressively more creative ways. Spying, threatening, ultimatums, crying, educating, ect.. none of it works! Trust me - I tried EVERYTHING. He will stay sober if he's good and ready and if he wants it more than anything. You won't and can't play a part in that. You can support his efforts... by leaving the work to him.

You can get busy working on yourself... the only person you have control over is you.

I understand the fear and love and wanting to be there and try everything and do it all right... I learned the hard way (by continually proving myself wrong!) that I could not control my husbands' drinking or force him to see his mom a certain way, or get him to see whoever's role in whatever situation...

I hope you find recovery for yourself and stick around here with us:)

((hugs))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

"So if I'm not going to be able to ever be close to him, I need to know that now."

I'm afraid this is the truth. No one has a crystal ball, but successfully living with a practicing alcoholic is all about detachment. And no one else has any control over whether he stays a practicing alcoholic. It is entirely up to him.

In saying you crave the drama of a turbulent relationship, what this means is that you (like the rest of us) also have an addiction. It's like saying, "I need my addiction to go on." That's just what the alcoholics are thinking too. But the question is: has the addiction made you happy so far? Do you want more of what you've had? Those are the questions I have to ask myself when I start to stray from my own recovery (all the time).

Read all the threads here and look for face-to-face meetings in your community. There is serenity waiting for you!

DreamXL · Senior Member

You've gotton great replies and I dont have much to add. You have been thru a lot with this person in a very short period of time of knowing him. Although you mention three months has felt like 3 years, yet it has only been three months. I would as others suggest get to meetings and work on your own recovery and let him work on his. Knowing where one person ends and the other begins is a good start.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Face to face Alanon meetings are the key. This forum has a wealth of information relief, and support. However recovery happens in Alanon once a person makes the decision to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps.

The Alanon program loved me until I could love myself.

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what you are saying coming from the perspective of education and psychology and counseling... I know what I am *supposed* to do. I am not a counselor myself, but I have had many psych courses in college. So I know how to talk the talk. What I am learning about now, is how to walk the walk of this alanon/coda stuff. I have not gotten to a real meeting in months, and when I was going before they helped tremendously. I am planning on getting myself to a real meeting soon, in the mean time I am getting what I need at this board. I was here before and came back with a new name and more annonomous than I was before because I need that in my life right now. Welcome here, take care of you :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Tiff - I am also a counselor and have fallen into those same traps. What you have written is a brilliant self-assessment of you and then turned it on him with zero plans for maintaining your own recovery. You stated you are a codependent and have to be with broken people in relationships. You stated it matter of factly as if those things about you cannot change. You know better than that.

I spent years beating myself up for not being a good therapist to myself before realizing I wasn't supposed to be my own therapist and also was not supposed to do it in my relationships. His alcoholism and his family relationships are not your business. Don't take on free clients. You say you are "tired" of mothering and counseling him and want a more egalitarian relationship, but you are already stepping back into the role of finding problems to fix and worrying about things you can't control with him before he is even home. You are also acting like 3 months with him is long enough to determine whether you should spend a life with someone. In that period of time you should just be getting to know each other.

I can say that all my education in psychology left me feeling as though I was smart enough to handle everything on my own, as though I could fix any other person, and most of all it turned me against myself because I was highly tuned to my issues but had no solution to change and no follow up. I also was spiritually empty and no book knowledge could fix that.

So - Here it what I would suggest. I would dive into recovery and meetings. Alanon and/or sexual abuse survivors groups are out there. Don't keep hyperfocusing on him and avoiding your own issues. That is what detaching means...it doesn't mean not caring...It means caring about you more. You don't need to find broken people once you don't feel so broken any more.

I have had my share of pain in life too...I never asked to be gay, to have a mental breakdown at age 25, to be an alcoholic, to have been in a relationship with another alcoholic....to have 3 messy break ups from long term relationships. I do understand how going through these things make me more empathic to other people and it is to my benefit as a therapist. BUT...those same strengths are NOT my assets in a relationship per say. In a relationship, my independence, my goals, my ability to take care of myself, my self-esteem, my being fun and spontaneous....Those are the things that make the relationship good. Not my suffering.

Even though we are counselors, we have to take care of OURSELVES. Do not let up on your own recovery in order to caretake in a relationship. That is the best suggestion I can give and it really comes from a lot of personal experience.

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment was what finally helped me to cont. to live with my AH.I have a belief we are done when we are done and we know it.

I was not done, I wanted to get as much time with him as I could. I loved him very much.

Al Anon taught me how to love my A, and know the bad stuff was the disease, not him.

Once I honestly believed it was a disease and he was very sick, it was not hard at all to be around him even if he smelled like alcohol or was drunk. If the disease took completely over and he became mean or just too irritating, I learned to go do stuff for me.

Just like it was normal. ex; I would just say I am going to go read, or watch another show in the bedroom, or go feed, ride my horse etc.

I am not sorry I hung in there as long as I could.

Meetings, coming here, reading, (Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews) Kept me on track.

The thing about rehab is, it is recommended they go to 90 meetings in 90 days when they come home. The going to AA meetings is what supports them to stay on a program of recovery. Just not drinking or using is not going to help much.

BUT he knows that. What I did was nothing about his disease. It to me is NONE of my business. If he brought it up, I would not engage. Just say oh good or whatever. I never asked him anything about it.

It's totally up to him. Relapse is part of being an Addict. Does not mean it will happen.However more often than not, it does. Again it was none of my business. I chose to love my A unconditionally.If he drank,no surprise he is an addict. It had nothing to do with me, was not personal at all. I of course felt sad for him for being so sick.

I didn't baby him at all. If he was sick, that was his problem. Saying he had a cold, or hurt...needed heroin.Gut hurt, swollen, his liver is sick drinking too much.

I felt sad for him yet, it had to be up to him to make changes if he felt bad enough.

I don't know if this is helping you.

I didn't counsel him. He needed to get that on his own with his brothers at AA.

In the end the brain surgery caused more brain damage. He became very abusive so I had to have him leave.

Anyway hope this helped ya some.

I like what louise said, love him!

I used 1Corinthians 13:4-8. I like the one that Love does not keep account of the injury. I own this.

hugs,debilyn

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

tiffera,

I have been with my sober abf for 6 years. My whole life was focused on him. He is an amazing person behind his disease and has been sober with help of rehab and AA for 8 months. am in a;l anon and have just started attending CODA too. We have seperated as I can not detach from his life effectively. My need to control, manage , fix just takes over. As you state I have learnt lots n al anon and do not enable anymore, but I am just realising how addicted I am to helping, supporting , fixing, caretaking. All I desire is a partner someone who I can lean on. However my partner and I arent healthy enough we realise today to broken people can not love and support one another in a healthy way. I have handed our relationship over to Hp if its his will we will be together in the future. But we both need to focus on our own lives recovery. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do but I know in my gut it is the right thing. He is in my head constantly exploring my addiction was hard when I always had one eye on him. I have not seen him for 2 weeks and already I am living my own life more. reconnecting with family, attending meetings and focusing on me and not my relationship with him. It feels good today that my project is loving and fixing me rather than everyone else. I am important , I do matter and i desrave 100% of my attention. Hope this helps.

hugs tracy xxx

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tiff - with my AH, now living apart and separate lives, I decided to just step back and be his friend. Once upon a time I stepped back from wanting a romantic relationship with him to be his friend because he needed a friend more than girlfriend - he needed someone to help him through some things without the added stress of trying to have a "relationship". After 2.5 years of alcohol fueled turmoil we are living apart and I've emotionally assumed the friend role. When he calls it is easier to slip into the concerned friend role without the bother of emotions getting in the way. I do not know if I can ever go back romantic with him, not sure if that bridge hasn't burnt itself up, but for now, he needs my friendship more.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Tiffera...Lots of good responses regarding Experience Strength and Hope. I relate with your story and with PinkChip thru the being a counselor...Behavorial Health Therapist in a Family rehab...in and out all phases. I was on and was in the program of Al-Anon with great sponsorship and the deep need to fix my life for many reasons and mostly because it was dysfunctional for me.

Al-Anon and AA and other twelve step programs and participation groups are called "Social Model Therapy"...those who have had the dysfunction and learned to live a whole life in spite of the dysfunction leading others into the same consequence or shortly peace of mind and serenity thru altered beliefs and behaviors.

Counselors work with people who have problems and counselors have problems too. I have had the benefit of paid professional therapy and each of them acknowledged the recovery I could do and did from within the program. They would refer me back into Al-Anon as the most beneficial and supportive.

Let me also suggest that you find the nearest Al-Anon Family Groups available to you in your town. You can look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number. Call and get the info and go as quickly as you can. Before you go take off your counseling uniform...forget that you are a counselor and go just as a friend/associate/partner of an alcoholic/addicted person...Go to get help for yourself.

Good luck and keep coming back so you can fill us in on how it works for you.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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