Not so proud today - Al-Anon Family Group

member922 · Senior Member

Not so proud today

DreamXL · Senior Member

Dont be so hard on yourself :) your human...I had a similar experience and to be honest I felt bad after but on the other hand I felt like I regained some self respect I had lost...

member922 · Senior Member

Thank you DreamXL for responding so quickly.

I feel like bawling my eyes out and I wanted so badly to hear something right away.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me and relating. It sure is going to take some time to get over this mess. I am so grateful for this board.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Progress not perfection is the key. I have gone off on my exAH too many times to count and it helped me to dettach at times. I was not proud but all I could do was move forward and use my new found tools to look at myself. Good job with your awareness!

DreamXL · Senior Member

We have some great on-line meetings on here, I dont know if you have ever been. Morning and evening, I am on central time and they begin at 8am my time and 8pm...dont know what time zone your on but if you have time maybe check them out :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds as if you had a lot of pent-up anger from everything that's happened. I'm sure we've all been there. Learning how to manage our anger (and eventually move past it) is one of the things we're all working on.

You've owned your part in this and that's such great awareness.

I wonder if this incident means you might benefit from looking at your own drinking? Try going to an AA site and taking the quiz? That would be taking excellent care of yourself.

I always try to remember the saying, "It's what you do next that counts." You've faced your own actions -- that's huge. That's what we're all working to do.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Before I got into the program, I remember doing that too, I couldn't help myself. The slogan comes to mind, Easy Does It. Be kind to yourself today.

{{{{{{{{ HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Otie · Senior Member

Dear member 922, This isn't the end of the world, now, is it?

If it is---please notify me right away---I'll need to start packing!

Please accept our hugs ((((( smile ))))), and get back up on the horse.

Lovingly, Otie

member922 · Senior Member

Thanks flopadopilus. I feel that I am making progress as well. Working on the detachment, but not always in the right manner.

Online meetings would be good for me I think. Thanks dreamXL. I will look into that.

Mattie that is a good idea for me. I think I will take that quiz. I need to remember to look after myself.

Thanks again tommyecat. I am trying to be good to myself.

I just have to update that I got a response to my email that says I need to learn respect and treat him like a man. Make dinner for him all the time and take care of him. Oh and that it doesn't have to be over. He says that and then lists things that I should be doing, like I am the cause of this mess.

Like I read in Getting Them Sober. The addict does need us more then we need them.

member922 · Senior Member

Thanks Otie. No it isn't. Thanks for taking the time to write to me. It should be a new beginning.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey where does it say we can never get mad? You needed to get it out, the A took it apparently.

I don't feel you have anything to be sad about. If you feel it was wrong, ask for forgiveness and let it go.

We don't always do things as we wish we had. Not being perfect is not our fault. I am sure you did not plan this. This is why its not a good idea to drink.

Take a breath my friend. We are not wax dummies.Things can simmer inside us until we blow.

One thing we do is walk on eggshells. Well this taught me no more of that and I would let him know during a sober moment what I felt and then let it go.

anyway glad you spilled it here. makes us love you more. deb

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, I adore your dogs! I can just feel the love in the picture. Thanks for the smile.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your awareness is good, sweetie. Alcohol always makes things worse, today you can see that. I like what Mattie suggests, this experience servesyou well, to examine your own drinking.

No where in my program does it suggest that it's okay or healthy for me to get mad at those who trigger me. In my recovery, if I'm mad, I'm had. I've lost my serenity. I can bring it to the fellowship, vomit all over them because they won't be harmed by it. When I lost my temper with people and blamed them for my unhappiness, I had to make amends. Blame without me is just bla, bla, bla. I play a part in my own suffering, it's not right to club anyone else over the head for it. I have choices about how to take care of myself, that is MY responsibility now that I am in recovery.

Obviously in retrospect, the best person for you to call last night, would have been your sponsor. If you don't have one, that can be amended. All of our experiences are beautiful lessons. Today is a new day, and we can change. Praise to higher power.

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 2nd of May 2011 11:52:15 AM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Yesterday after spending an extended period of time with my AH, I drove home alone trying to identify the source of the unsettled feeling I had. I ended up having an imaginary conversation with a new friend of his (who supposedly doesn't drink but since I haven't met him I don't know) that rolled into me spilling all sorts of pent up anger about different issues. I often vent at him while alone in my car, saying all the things I know he would dispute, refute, throw back at me later and in the wrong context, etc. I don't say them to him, won't say them until I believe he will hear what I'm trying to say (never?) because it would be "doing the same thing and expecting different results" and I just won't do it until he can actually understand, or try to anyway, things from my perspective. I want to - I want to pound it into him the depth of hurt he has inflicted on me and my daughter but, in his current state (dry according to him) we were both fighting, I didn't understand that it was because he was depressed over being unemployed, I am going through menopause (not), I am bi-polar, psycho, etc. As I said, i often vent my anger at him while driving alone in my car, gets it out of my system and doesn't cause more strife.

The thing that keeps me from venting AT him is knowing that he will just turn it against me, like yours is trying to do to you. They push us into insanity then punish us for being driven there.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I gotta say, I am powerless over other people.

And they are powerless over me.

No one ever had the power to push me into insanity. Unless I gave them that power.

I play a part in my own suffering. But, I can change.

member922 · Senior Member

Thanks Deb. I appreciate the "we are not wax dummies". That definitely makes me feel better.

Thanks to you glad lee. I don't have a sponsor as of yet. I feel funny making someone listen to my crap over and over. Well apparently not, I'm here lol. Something to think about though.

likemyheart, I do like the yelling in the car bit. That sounds very helpful. And your relating to the turning things around. He has been doing that for 2 years. I am outgrowing it for sure. I don't think he cares much for my growth and becoming more independent.

I do want to thank you all. I am surprised by all of the responses and I am getting so many good ideas and perspectives. As usual, you all teach me a lot. Thank you all.

member922 · Senior Member

So true glad lee. So true.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad Lee said:

"All of our experiences are beautiful lessons."

Thank you, Glad Lee. That's just what I needed to hear today. Sometimes it's hard not to keep beating myself up for all the mistakes I've made. I hate that point when you've got enough awareness to see what you're doing but not yet enough practice to cut it out! smile

atheos · Senior Member

The 10th step is one of the "maintenance steps" for a reason -- even after the spiritual growth of the first nine steps, we will stlil make mistakes!

A member of my face-to-face meeting said that while it's usually best to work the steps in order, it's never too early to start practicing for when you get to step 10!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.