The material presented
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Hi new friends! So I came across your forum today after posting on another site and someone suggest Al-Anon.
Short history... My very good friend of 10+ years recently came out of the closet. I'm gay as well. In the past, probably six months, I've suggested he go to see a therapist because of his heavy drinking (four to five nights a week, blacking out, having mimosas and bloody marys every saturday and sunday morning). He finally went to a therapist, but I feel like he either isn't being honest with the therapist, is lying to us about therapist, isn't taking the advice he's been given, or just isn't even going.
I recognized that I was using alcohol to self-medicate some problems I was having about a year ago. I went to an addictions specialist and have everything under control. I've talked out my issues and I can now go to a bar and have a drink or two and call it a night. Hardly the mentality I had before where's start at 9pm and end at 4am and wonder who put me in a cab to get home.
My friend, on the other hand, I feel is spiraling out of control. He met a guy back in January who has become a friend to both of us. However, he has substance abuse problems. I've tried to cut the friendship off as best I can, but my buddy really liked the guy and was going out numerous times throughout the week with him, spending the night at his place, just to go to work and head back out to the bars with him for happy hour. I really wanted to cut things off when I found out the guy from January also has a bit of a cocaine habit. I found out because my good friend told me that he did a line of coke in a bathroom of the bar one night. That's when I knew without question that I wasn't be delusional about my friends drinking habit.... it was a legit self-destruting problem.
The next day, I was going to bring it up to him when his sister called me to express her concerns about the drinking. I said I definitely saw a problem as well, and he needed help. Since this has happened he had every excuse in the book to be "going out and having fun..." everything from "I'm just meeting new people" to "I work in Media (he's a sales rep for a media company) and we drink all the time!" and even when I got laid off from my job he said "Look, I can remain gainfully employed, I don't think I'm the one who needs any life guidance right now."
He has told us his therapist says it's not a problem, that since he recently came out of the closet that he's having the kind of fun college students have, and that he's exploring himself and doing what people do at the age of 13. I tried to explain to him that at the age of 28, he can go out and have fun and meet people, but he can't handle like a 13 year old would because he's not 13.
I explained that myself, his sister, and his other best friend are really beginning to resent hanging out because we don't like babysitting him at the bars, and we don't like going home at 1:00 in the morning and being woken up three hours later with a "where can I crash?" phone call from him. He said his therapist told him that part of self-discovery is weeding out the people who don't want him to be truly happy. I just can't see a board certified therapist giving that advice.
Worst of all, I think he is truly doing medical harm to his body. After letting him stay at my place the past two weeks (as opposed to getting behind the wheel and taking the 45 minute drive home), I've been put in a position to find out the causes of adult bed-wetting, which while its never been an issue before, I see that it could be a symptom of severe liver disease due to excessive drinking. I want to be there for him as a friend. I've discussed with him how he needs to get it under control, how I want to be a supportive person in his life, but I feel like the only way out at this point is to stop being his friend.
Ugh, so, there we have it. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to get him help and he's doing nothing to help himself. Why should I be putting myself through this aggravation if he doesn't care enough to do himself any good?
I had an exabf who was a binge drinker-he also did drugs at times-esp cocaine. Honey, I tried for 3.5 yrs, to convince him to get help. He'd just pay lip service to me about living healthier, to get me to stay. Never meant any of it because he, like your friend ,was in denial. He used the same excuse as your friend.. "well I have my job"..yeah but the woman who you claim to love is walking out on you!!! As a consequence of your drinking? Well guess what? He just rewrites history to convince himself that we parted for other reasons.
Denial is very strong with alcoholics.
You, unfortunately, have no control over any of this. I know you hurt for your friend. Lord knows I hurt for my ex. But he was dragging me down. At some point, you gotta decide, how much is he affecting your life and having negative effects on your own self-care. In any case, al-anon is a great place to go for help and support.
Glad you found us, Dan, and wonderful that you had the awareness of your own difficulties with alcohol and took steps to protect yourself.
Unfortunately, the experience of millions of people has shown that the three C's of Al-Anon are true: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. As you've seen, unless the alcoholic himself makes his own decision (on his own timeline) to get help for his condition, nothing other people say makes any difference. What seems obvious to us is hidden from them -- that alcohol is destroying their lives -- because the alcohol makes them insane. Lying, secrecy, and deception (self-deception too) are all part of the package.
As you say, "Why should I be putting myself through this aggravation if he doesn't care enough to do himself any good?" Typically we're tying ourselves in knots trying to help someone who resists every effort at help.
Al-Anon also recommends a process called loving detachment, where you don't have to stop caring for the person, but you detach yourself from their situation and their outcome. This can mean leaving the friendship or just backing off and practicing acceptance. Above all it means letting go of the aggravation caused by the fact that we can see how chaotic and destructive their lives have become, and they can't. It's very sad, but it's unrealistic to expect it to be any different.
Part of this detachment is learning better how to take care of ourselves. Read all you can on these boards, and try some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings (try several, they're all different). "Getting Them Sober" is also a book that has helped many.
I am just so glad you are here, welcome. What was shared earlier was perfect in the other two posts.
What I wanted to add is in our area (which is a large metropolitan city) there are Alanon meetings for gays and lesbians. My sister who comes in town to visit who is lesbian likes my meetings but really appreciates the other group, Lambda. You can check by calling your local alanon information center for meetings.
If you want to check out Alanon face to face meetings, there are many different types of meetings available (discussion, step study, speaker meetings, newcomer). You may want to consider a newcomer meeting should you decide to go.
Keep coming back I am so glad you came.
Yours, tommye
-- Edited by tommyecat on Monday 2nd of May 2011 08:18:04 AM
It doesnt' sound like his therapist is an addiction specialist to me. I had the same experience, thousands of dollars for counseling never pointed us to a problem with alcohol. I discovered it on my own in the self-help section of the bookstore... my experience is, if you end up buying most of the books in the store like I did... with some divine light guiding you..., you find melody beatty, lol. That's when the lightbulb went off for me.
Do you recognize your powerlessness? I felt some relief when I learned I was powerless, but I still worried about my loved ones, so I see-sawed back and forth for awhile from relief to frustration because I wanted what I wanted, my well-being relied on not having to worry about anybody. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity (thinking I had some power made me insane) and I learned to hand my loved ones over to the Maker of the Universe. I realized it was an illusion of mine, that I had any power whatsoever over them or that I could fix them somehow. Today I know, it's not my responsiblity to try to fix anyone, and I just don't have that kind of power!
I am not powerless over myself, though, I can change. I can go to meetings with honesty, an open mind and willingness to practice something different. The wind is always going to blow, I gotta learn to set my sails. The 12 steps and a fellowship of people who have done this before me, are my teachers. I can change. All I gotta do is show up.
I hope to hear more from you, "We" get through this journey by sticking together. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 2nd of May 2011 09:55:50 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My exabf's therapist recognizes he's an alcoholic but therapy had been ineffectual for my ex. probably because he was only going because of pressure from me. I have only seen RAs who got better from working the AA steps. Not to say other things don't or can't work. That's just my experience.
glad lee wrote:
Hi Dan, welcome.
It doesnt' sound like his therapist is an addiction specialist to me. I had the same experience, thousands of dollars for counseling never pointed us to a problem with alcohol. I discovered it on my own in the self-help section of the bookstore... my experience is, if you end up buying most of the books in the store like I did... with some divine light guiding you..., you find melody beatty, lol. That's when the lightbulb went off for me.
Do you recognize your powerlessness? I felt some relief when I learned I was powerless, but I still worried about my loved ones, so I see-sawed back and forth for awhile from relief to frustration because I wanted what I wanted, my well-being relied on not having to worry about anybody. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity (thinking I had some power made me insane) and I learned to hand my loved ones over to the Maker of the Universe. I realized it was an illusion of mine, that I had any power whatsoever over them or that I could fix them somehow. Today I know, it's not my responsiblity to try to fix anyone, and I just don't have that kind of power!
I am not powerless over myself, though, I can change. I can go to meetings with honesty, an open mind and willingness to practice something different. The wind is always going to blow, I gotta learn to set my sails. The 12 steps and a fellowship of people who have done this before me, are my teachers. I can change. All I gotta do is show up.
I hope to hear more from you, "We" get through this journey by sticking together. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 2nd of May 2011 09:55:50 AM
