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I've been dating this wonderful man for a year now.
However, I've witnessed him "binge drink" about once a month or every other month.
He had smoked pot very infrequently throughout the year, however, I used to just be so focused on whether or not he was an alcoholic. Marijuana would be my last concern, if it turned out he was since I grew up in an alcoholic home and would be devestated if he truely was.
We do not fight, and usually get along great! However, when we have gotten into a fight it is because he has chosen to get stoned with 2 girls who are 20 years younger than he is. These girls come over to his house about once a week now to drink shots whisky and smoke pot with him...or just use his house to hang out.
I have expressed how I have felt and now I think I have gone too far because of how upset I got this last time. The last incident I got upset about was mainly because he asked me to go to the beach with him on Wednesday of this week, but he ended up taking off work to take the two girls, who are 20, to the beach instead.
He apologized but I have been so angry and hurt. I am concerned that he would rather hang on to this kind of life style than to build a future with me and that this won't be the first time that he leaves me to party with whomever.
I am so jealous and so confused.
I am trying to get over this jealousy thing and get to feeling secure again with myself.
I'm not sure what to do.
I started going to an alanon meeting again to help me stop obsessing over what he is doing and help me build some self esteem again.
If any one has any hope, strength, and experience with this kind of situation, please let me know.
I have a lot of experience with loved ones and binge drinking. The truth is, they are going to do it when they want, where they want, and with whom they want to.
I think that is a solid decision to go back to Alanon which may help you to discover what is right for you and your situation. Perhaps there are 10 people that will respond to your post with similar stories. However, no one walks a mile in your shoes but you. That is why I am encourage so many to go to Alanon and uncover the answers they are looking for through working the steps with a sponsor.
If I understand you correctly, what you're most hoping for is something that will make your boyfriend's behavior sit right with you? So you have more patience for his behavior? Or are you worried that his actions might be bad signs? Or you'd like him to change his actions?
My experience is that my boyfriend (now my ex-husband) was very much like this. He went on binges every month or so, or sometimes it would even be six months between binges. But the binges were bad: not just a merry night out drinking, but total drunkenness. He wasn't passing out (yet), but he'd call me up and talk nonsense at me for hours, reel around town, and be very irresponsible. I didn't like it, but I didn't think that's what an alcoholic looked like, so I'd tell myself to chill, not to be so judgmental.
Basically I wanted him as a boyfriend so I was prepared to buy in to some bad behavior. What I didn't realize is that as you get deeper into the relationship, people never behave better -- their bad behavior just gets less and less covered up. So you have to make sure their "bad" behavior is something you're okay with. Which I really wasn't. My ex used to go after the girls half his age too, even though he was supposed to be with me. I think he was just a bundle of insecurity and the girls made him feel manly and attractive. He'd say, "When a 20-year-old hottie comes after you, who would resist? I'm a red-blooded man!" That is, he'd never "own" how it was inappropriate to be doing this when he was in a relationship -- it was as if his impulses were the highest priority in his life. Which was true.
But what I really found out was that the binges were only the tip of the iceberg. He was doing a lot of secret compulsive drinking at times I thought he wasn't binging. It took me years to find this out. Alcoholics can be very, very clever about hiding the drinking. And over the years he'd binge when there were any stresses in his life. And then the binging started causing the stresses (DWI's, etc.) Things went downhill badly.
He didn't do a lot of drugs but he did hang out with people who did. And so sometimes he did.
If I knew then what I knew now, I would have run far away. I would have taken care of myself before I got very hurt, having expectations that couldn't possibly be fulfilled. As the saying goes, I was looking for bread at the hardware store. My own addiction was him, so we were two addicts locked in a deteriorating situation. His addictions also took a lot of other forms -- gambling, compulsive spending, binge-eating, hoarding... he would move from one to the other. Addictions are easily interchangeable.
I'm afraid in accepting your boyfriend's behavior you may not have avoided your father's addiction patterns.
Please read all you can on these boards, find your local face-to-face meeting (try several because they're all different), learn all you can, and take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back. Hugs.
Reading your story, I started thinking you were dating an amalgamation of my ex ABF and my current ABF. The ex used to toss me aside to go party with "whomever" too (he was supposedly in recovery), and I also came second many, many times when he had an opportunity to smoke pot.
Eventually -- and I'd be embarrassed to tell you how long it took to sink in -- I got fed up with meaning so little to him and I walked away.
From what my current ABF -- also in recovery -- tells me, he used to be quite a barfly womanizer in his younger days and his infidelity broke up at least one of his past relationships. By the time I came along, his relapses took place in the privacy of his own home and he isolated himself completely. His pot smoking is a solo activity at home too, but he has brushed me off when his dealer is coming over.
So I know how you feel.
The thing is, for an addict the booze and drugs are always at the top of the priority list. Unless they get into a solid program of recovery, partners will always take second place (or lower). We can't control their behaviour, and we sure can't cure it.
I had way too high a tolerance for alcoholic behaviour, thanks to growing up with two alcoholic parents. What I really needed to get from Al-Anon was the strength to say "I am worth more than this!" and to be able to set boundaries against unacceptable behaviour. And, after 16 months in the program, I have arrived at that point -- it works.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
First of all you are not alone.....welcome dear sister to a place where we all understand and some of us have been there.
Pot is a drug and is is addicting....my son started at a young age and took forever to stop. You can't even get a job at McDonald's these days if you smoke pot.
Now that beach thing typical addict behavior did you ever stop and think he took them because he wanted to drink and smoke with them and knew you would not???
Take care of you, you have taken the first step. Once you find the love and understanding for you in your heart all else will fall into place no matter which way he goes.
Thank you all so much! Reading your posts have made me feel so much better. I am going to an Alanon meeting tonight.
I broke up with him yesterday. He finally took me on the bike ride at the beach, however, I was just so unhappy. Now I am just so numb and sad. I don't even know how to handle my status symbol on "facebook" at this point!!
Our break up was mutual, and at the time it felt like a relief, actually. I am so sad, and truely could've seen us getting married. And, sadly enough, I still have hope in my heart that this could work it's self out. None the less, I told him I couldn't be with a person who doesn't stick to their word, or that my trust is deminishing in.
