The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have heard a couple of share's in face to face meetings from veteran's talking about how they were just visiters in the first 6 months to a year of al-anon. I definately heard my perspective in those shares. Last Sunday I talked to my "temporary" sponser and asked if he wanted to work with me and help me to really work the program. We are going to drop the temporary label. I plan on really working the steps with him instead of just guessing what step I'm on. He seems like a good sponser, I am not looking for someone to hold my hand or baby me, I am looking for someone who I share a mutual respect for that can relate to the place I am at now and act like a reference point in my recovery. Just knowing I was going to work it instead of attempting to fumble in the dark made me feel better.
I'm still in a hard place right now, I have been contemplating divorce with my estranged AW for almost a year now. I have come to the realization that I am looking for "enablers" to prevent me from taking that step. The more people are exposed to what is going on in my family the fewer enablers I have.
I hate this disease, I have had enough "growth opportunity" for a life time. I'd like to start working on finding serenity instead of living in the crisis.
I am going through a divorce and am not all for it like you might think, but am glad to hear you are ready to find your serenity. I love how you put it about "growth opportunity". Living in crisis mode gets tiring and it sounds liek with a sponsor and attending meetings you are on a good track. Yeah for you!!! Sorry your life is hard right now, I send you thoughts and prayers!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I know that "hard place." I was estranged from my ex for 8 months; I had moved into an apartment. Then I returned to our home because he had been in rehab and seemed to be working his program. However, after 8 months of living together, he got his 2nd DUI and that was it for me. (I had always worried myself sick about what if he drove drunk and injured someone.
I hadn't attended meetings as was suggested countless times; my sister who is in AA for over several decades would offer a gentle suggestion each time we spoke; but I didn't listen. After 8 months (no kidding - another 8 months - I'm just now realizing this as I stopped to count) I decided that I wanted to unload my emotional baggage once in for all. So I started going to meetings just last month.
After a few meetings, I realized that it would have been best if I had attended meetings first, then decide if divorce was best.
At the time of my divorce, I had not met anyone who could find an ounce of peace while living with an active acoholic; of course these individuals did not go to meetings. I thought it was impossible. However, I listen to several veterns at meetings each week, who seem to live with serenity, and still live w/their alcoholics, some still active.
I know the agony of deciding what to do. In hindsight, I'd give it to the HP of my understanding and then wait for directions, instead of plowing forward in what I thought was the only solution. I think I made the decision to divorce as the last resort to get him to stop drinking. Yep - manipulation. I wasn't conscious of this at the time.
When the divorce was finalized, the only reason I felt relieved was knowing that if he did cause an accident, I would not be financially responsible - losing the house, etc. But I found no other relief as others told me that I would. That is why I headed to Al-Anon. It is making a world of difference for me.
Good luck. You seem to be thinking clearly.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 29th of April 2011 04:55:18 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Going to al-anon meetings, finding a sponsor, and working the steps were the best decisions I ever made, in my life, to take care of me.
The thought that popped into my head as I was reading your post was, "keep coming back it works if you work it". Initially, when I heard it at the end of meetings I didn't really hear it. Then I heard it and didn't believe it. Now, for me, it's the truth.
Good decision Dad...you've got tons of people supporting you and your decision to start the walk. That hard place sounds like a bottom and I remember mine. I found out I don't bounce too good so like everyone else after a period of procrastination I started to follow instructions/suggestions and WALLAH!! I'm better and okay with never being perfect. My alcoholic wife and I use to do the revolving doors in our marriage also and it didn't work for us. When she was drinking and using it was better for her and for me that I was out of range cause life would get crazy beyond rational description. She got sober with me out of the way working my own program and just like I was told from the fellowship.
"Visiting" Al-Anon is a new perspective for what I was doing then...hmmmm it kinda sorta works. Thanks for the share. ((((hugs))))
I congratulate you for taking action in asking for a sponsor and having the willingness to begin working the steps. That takes tremendous courage. I am thrilled for you.
Working the steps for me is an ongoing journey. It is a journey I have never regretted. In our literature I believe it is C2C book, Today's Reminder section, "A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step" It works if you really work it!
I, too, know that hard place. I was told to give Alanon 6 months before making any major decisions - and, now I can see why.
Working the program, I have come to realize that my thinking became narrow and distorted. Alanon has been the only place where people understand and there are tools available that improve my situation. I am very grateful that I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, or a year ago... perhaps even a few months ago.
Similar to GailMichelle, and, in hindsight, I agree that the best thing I could have done would have been to turn it over to HP and waiting for an answer. I need lots of practice giving things to my HP, as I often find myself maintaining a death grip on things of which I allegedly am trying to let go. When I do finally let go, there is a positive grace in the outcome that would otherwise not have likely occurred had I forced a resolution.
I have also contemplated divorce for quite a few years. I told my HP that I would wait for a sign or a feeling or outright thunder and lightning bolt, but He better make it loud and straightfoward because I am pretty dense in getting messages. It has been a few years now, but I keep going back to the same request from the HP...give me a message if you want me to do something...anything. Otherwise I am going to continue to go to my meetings and practice my AlAnon the best I know how. My goal is to be happy and to live a happy life no matter what is happening around me.
I know I am changing.... and I am still waiting for the message about the divorce (we had our 40th wedding anniversary last month). I heard from others in the program that when you know, you will totally know and nothing will be able to change your mind. You will have just changed at your core.
